I yelled at God today. More like raised my voice. Either way there was loud noises coming from my vocal chords. I repented. But I know what B is going to call and tell me. And maybe it's just me feeling competitive, or envious, or left behind, or all of the above. But right now left behind sounds like a very good way to put it.
Bethany and Caleb have gone to college before me. They've both gotten significant others before me. They have both known exactly what they wanted to do with their lives (goodness, I still don't know that!). They've both left the house before me. They have done everything before me. And yeah, I feel really left out and left behind.
I repented, of course, because I am in the middle of this vow. And maybe I should just cut out the country music because it makes me want a country boy even more than normal. Someone once told me that I would probably marry a farmer. I laughed at the time, but I wouldn't mind now.
Anyways, I really didn't care that Caleb had a girlfriend, I mean it was a bit weird because I never thought he would get a girl before Bethany or I had a boy, but that's what happened and we all love Hannah so who cares. And Amy? I thought the whole thing was stupid. But Bethany? I am happy for her. I really am, but seriously, I have a hard time listening to all of her mushy talk about Benny. But if she stopped I'd be mad (so Bethany, if you read this, don't stop!). I never thought it would be this hard. I don't feel jealous so I guess it's not envy. I just don't understand why they can have it and I can't. Of course, as RG likes to remind me, there aren't any options around here (except him and the more I'm around him, the more I am so glad he was never interested in me and the more I'm beyond happy I got over him).
Pray for me. I am having a hard time. And I'm not even sure why (besides the fact that I don't have a boy toy and I REALLY want one! :)) Lord, I repent.
On the plus side I am feeling more confident about myself than I have felt in a long time. Praise the Lord. I admit, I need to lose a few more pounds, but I'm not obsessing about it. I'm getting to the point of loving my body... but I really like my body right now and I'm not trying to hide my curves. ;)
I'm about to take Anna to work. I start classes next week and also my new job! I'm really excited about all of it. I can't wait for classes to start. I LOVE college! But not for the same reasons as the song. :)
3 comments:
You're not alone. God has really had to flush out my pride - thinking I know better than He does. He has been reminding me over and over of Psalm 84:11. Rest assured that He is acting on your behalf...even when you don't see it in the form of flesh.
Thanks for the encouragement. I needed to read that verse.
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