Free Time

I am sitting in my favorite (and the only) coffee shop in Toccoa. I can't help but remember all of the times Bethany, Meg and I sat here and drank coffee, talked about boys, laughed and just loved life.

Bethany is at work so I have a couple hours to do whatever I want until lunch. We are going to have lunch together. In the meantime, I am going to buy that girl some food. Her cabinets are bare and you don't even want to look in her fridge.

Last night we went to church with the boy toy (he LOVES that nickname! hahaha! not really.) and his posse. I know I probably won't explain his job well enough for you to understand. But what you (and Ben) need to know is that those young men are incredible. I was telling Marianna the other day that while I don't notice eye color very often I do notice what is being said by the heart through a persons eyes. You could see and feel the love pouring out of those young men for Ben and Bethel (their nickname for Bethany!). Their eyes said their hearts were soft and open. I really enjoyed hanging out with them. Next time I come up I plan to bake them something from scratch.

Oh, I feel like I need to let Ben know that I am very sarcastic. So if I pick or tease, it's probably just sarcasm. I approve of you. I think you are good for Bethany. So no worries. We are on the same side. :)

I forgot to tell you guys that I made a B in math and A's in my other two classes! I was praying for a C, so I was really surprised when my grades came in.

Well, I have just finished my muffin that was entirely too big and am now going to go shopping. I'll get to use my Ingles card (as I do about once a year!).

Crazy White Girl

I am supposed to be painting. But there have been tons of roadblocks this morning. For one, I told Joe the other day that if he left the paint brushes outside they would get bugs on them. Guess what happened? Yeah, they were left outside and were ruined. So I had to buy new brushes. Then I had to get Joe gas in the truck and run to Cochran to get my final grade (by my profs request). Guess who wasn't in his office? Dr. C. was nowhere to be found. So I made a trip to Cochran for no reason. That was a bit frustrating. My grades haven't been posted yet. I keep checking probably twice day to see if they have been. I really just want to know what I made in Math and Health. The Computer class I don't care about at all.

I might be going to see Bethany Wednesday. I'll spend the night and then come home. I need to see Bethany. She calms me and makes me want to be a better version of myself. Goodness, I need that right now.
Speaking of Bethany, I really think that if she and Ben want a country song to claim as their own they should go with "Then" by Brad Paisley. http://www.myspace.com/bradpaisley besides the fact that it reminds me of them every time I hear it, I just want "Whatever It Is" back. It was my song way before Ben was B's boy toy (to prove my point: http://augusttinker.blogspot.com/2009/04/makes-my-heart-melt.html). And when did Bethany start listening to country music?! I have listened to it for ages and now all the sudden since she's dating Ben she likes country? Ben. I know you read my blog. Do you listen to country on a daily basis? I'm just wondering where she got this love for country without me being there, refusing to let one else drive, listening to it as loud as it will get and dancing like a crazy white girl without any rhythm. :) I seriously love country music.

I think all of my siblings are sick or getting sick. I'm forcing them to take Airborne. And praying I don't get sick. I hate being sick.

I’ve gotta go. Spank is finished vacuuming and I need to paint now. And also make the boys do their chores.

Freedom

Taking three summer classes in one summer session was by far the stupidest thing I have ever done. I will never do that again. It's over. It's all over. I took my last and final exam for this summer semester. Praise the Lord! I wondered for a while if I was going to die! I can be so dramatic. But seriously, I thought for while this past week that I was going crazy!

I have ended this semester with knots all in my back. I plan to go see a massage therapist next week. My shoulders and neck are so sore, so full of pain and I feel the knots. I can't decide if I want the deep tissue massage or the hot stone therapy. Both sound amazing!

Dad is making hamburgers for lunch. I need to get dressed for work and then I guess I should go pick up my score for my final today. I won't get around to it Monday. I plan to paint kitchen cabinets, read a book, and lay out in the sun! I have so much free time! Hopefully, I will feel refreshed before fall classes (August 18th baby!) start!

Hello Beautiful, Dangerous Life

I am sitting on the toilet as I write... you didn't *really* need to know that, but it's the only time I have for "free time" right now.

So "crush" is just another word for infatuate. Infatuate means "to inspire or possess with a foolish or unreasoning passion, as of love". I'm afraid I have a crush/am infatuated with a guy I've seen around town. I look for him everywhere I go.

He is the reason I asked Mario about his too old/young formula. This guy is older than me. I've asked three different people about it. Bethany told me to stay away from him (not hard to do when I've only seen him at work and once at McDonald's almost a month ago). A new friend told me that "Maybe you are one of those women who go for older men." And Jared told me 1) find out who he is and 2) life is about taking risks.
Finding out who he is seems like a very good place to start. When I see him he makes my heart rate go crazy and I can't think. So... I don't know. What do you think?

I haven't been this stressed in years. Maybe not ever. Between three classes and my new job I have been running in circles trying to make sure I get everything done that needs to be done. I have cried more than I ever have when it's not that time of the month. I've spent more time in prayer. More time pouring over math than anything. I forget to eat unless it's on the run. I've had a stomach ache the last couple days. Felt like I needed to throw up but nothing would come. Thought about making myself, but then decided I didn't want to do that. Cried myself to sleep one too many nights. Drank way too much coffee and craved way too much chocolate. Not to mention one of my co-workers fell and broke her collarbone last Friday. She reminded me of Mom so much. Fighting the urge to run was really hard. I gave her medicine and gatorade from a cup with a lid and straw. You have no idea how many times I'd done the same thing for Mom. And then when she reached for the medicine, it was like watching Mom's hand, weak and wrinkled, reaching for pain meds.

Stress makes me want to sleep, eat, drink coffee and walk. *grins* The sleep and coffee part I've got down. Stress also makes me restless. I guess deep down when I'm stressed I want to run (oh, wait, isn't that just what I said a moment ago?) and run as fast and as far as I can. It also makes me stupid. I realized that last night when I went for a walk. I normally walk in the empty neighborhood near our house (it's just a road and woods) but the other night there were some people riding a golf cart in it and I didn't want to walk by myself with them there. So I walked on HWY 27 down to the next road. Semi-trucks are even scarier when they are going 60 plus mph and you are walking. Oh, and walking down HWY 27 is also a good way to pick up boys. I had two of the cutest boys I've seen in a while stop, turn around and ask if my car had broken down. You know I was/am going crazy when I didn't even feel defensive and on guard. I think the reason I didn’t feel that way was because the guy driving reminded me of Hank Ekkel. Goodness Hank was about as harmless as they come. But looking back, praise the Lord, those guys were just being good ol’ Southern Gentleman and they didn’t grab me, slam me into back seat and drive off with no one knowing what had happened to me.

Friday is the last day of summer classes. Thank goodness. I don’t think I could take another week. I am going to celebrate and take myself out on a date! My favorite thing to do. I'm thinking a movie and Starbucks while I read "Envy".

That being said, I need to go. I have a study guide to complete and I need to review all four chapters of the math. But before I go… The song of my life right now: “I Run to You” Lady Antebellum. You should listen to it. I love it. According to Joe, my song is "Fix You" by Coldplay... it does sound eerily like my life right now.

p.s. I didn't write this entire thing on the toilet so Dad no worries about me getting blood clots or whatever it is you say I'm going to get by reading on the toilet, etc!

Yoga, Dearest Yoga!

I don't have to be at work until 3pm. Yay me! I'm excited about that. That means, I have a a couple hours to do homework, do some yoga and write a blog! I'm loving this!

Okay, first things first... could someone please tell me what they believe chemistry (between a man and a woman) means/looks like/feels like? Is it important to the relationship?

Mario? What is your formula for knowing what is too old or too young? I can't remember off the top of my head. Half your age, minus or plus 7?

I'm feeling a bit better. I've gotten used to A being gone and there are aspects of having my own room that I LOVE. I won't share them, because there are some guys who read (and don't comment) who don't need to know about that part of my life. And I've also realized that throwing my clothes on the floor is just part of who I am. I can't help it. It comes naturally! Also, why, since I've cleaned my room, can't I find my other black flip flop? I have one, not the other.... not cool.

I have eaten at least two peaches every day this past week. It's been amazing! But I fear they are on the verge of going super soft so ice-cream, cobbler, etc will be on the menu in the next week. And probably freezing tons of them!

I am trying to work out a house concert with Josh Bales. He and I have been emailing for the past week trying to work out details. RG is pumped and has very kindly said yes to my rude question as to if I could borrow his house. :) He is amazing. Josh has said about 50 people... RG is thinking as many as we can fit in his house and are willing to pay $5-8 bucks. I'm cool with that!

I need to go. Yoga is so calling my name and I am lovin' hearin' it's voice! Pray for me. I have two more tests in my math class and I really need to do somewhat well on them! Right now, I'm pretty sure I have a C in this class... I suck at math. But I'm okay with that. I just need to pass!

Survive? More like Thrive.

I'm sitting on the floor of my VERY clean room... crying. I feel very lonely. I miss A. I miss B. I wish they were both home.

Do you realize that one day they will both be gone forever and I will here all by myself? Man, my life sucks.

I admit it. I am burnt out. I don't want to go to class tomorrow. I want to stay home. I want to do yoga. Read a good book. I want life to be uncomplicated. I want it to be free of struggles for a couple hours. This weekend has not been long enough. Life is breaking my heart right now. I feel so weak.

I hate feeling weak. I hate being burnt out. I hate that I am so prideful.

I will survive. I know I will and what's more I will not only survive, I will thrive. Life is an adventure that won't defeat me no matter how rough the road gets at times. I have two weeks and I will finish strong. In the meantime, I will suck it up and move forward. There is no going backwards for this baby girl.

I need to plan my week schedule. Good night.

Life in a Nutshell

I am trying very hard not to become burnt out. I had to force myself to study tonight and I didn't even study that long. Only about two hours. I am really struggling balancing all my homework. Pray for me. I have two weeks left of summer classes and I need the Lord's strength to get me through the next 14 days. I probably will not ever take three summer classes again (at least not in the shortened sessions).

Besides homework and time spent in class, I'm now working and that is a bit of an adjustment. I haven't worked outside of the home since we moved. And trying to balance my schedule so that I get everything done that I need to get done is becoming a bit overwhelming. I don't even feel like superwoman tonight. Tonight I wanna cry (that's the title of a Keith Urban song for you country music listeners). I seriously do want to cry. I am so thankful for this job. And since I get my work schedule a week in advance I'm able to plan accordingly, but plans don't always go the way they are scheduled and that stresses me. If I'm going to have a plan, then I am going to stick to it (as much as possible). So this past week I've had a massive headache almost all week because of stress, that time of the month, homework, work, the kitchen is a mess because I haven't been able to paint and I feel like I am not getting anything done. I hate that feeling.

Did I mention that I'm trying to make time to go to the gym? Yeah, that definitely doesn't happen on the days that I have to work. Which is a total bummer.

Not only that but I've ended my vow. The first day was really weird. I don't know how to explain it but knowing that I was "free" was a strange feeling. And I might have a guy problem... I had a class with this guy last spring and we are in class together this summer. Well, we've been "class-flirting". We talk, smile and wave if we can't actually speak to each other. He's attractive, but I have two big problems with him. One, I don't know where he stands with Jesus and a deep, growing relationship with the Lord is a given for me. Two, he smokes. I am not naive. I know that people do not change simply because you ask them to change. And in the past I have never considered a guy who smokes. In fact, I've always said that makes them very unattractive. What if I am ignoring emotions again and I am really am desperate for guy? What if I'm super paranoid about ignoring emotions and that is all I think I do (with my emotions).... Who knows, who cares. I don't feel desperate and I am not even considering anything beyond what I've just written, because he hasn't made a move, so there's no need for me to get my panties in a wad. He has my number (we exchanged numbers last semester) so if he's really interested he'll call and then I'll decide. Oh, the reason I think he might be interested (besides the class-flirting) is his sister (who works with Anna) told A that he has been talking about me and that "he is single and ready to mingle". I think that is a cute line. :)

I went to a wedding today. I love weddings. I love watching the bride and groom. They make me smile. I saw a lot of people I haven't seen in a very long time and that was a lot of fun. I definitely wished that I felt more comfortable breakin' it down in front of people. But I can't stand even the thought of attention being on me. So I didn't break any moves until I was in the car driving home. I want to dancing lessons! :)
Speaking of dancing, I love spending time with myself. I know that probably sounds selfish, but I don't have to put on a front with me, myself and I, so I really, really like hanging out by myself... almost more than hanging out with other people. I will admit there are moments when I wished I had girlfriends I could call at any time and just hang out with them. Maybe one day I'll stopped being so antisocial and actually call someone... or maybe not.

I bought a handbag. It's more like a clutch. The dress I wore to the wedding was black and my purse was brown. I don't like mixing those colors so I bought a small bag from Claire's and I actually LOVE it.

Hopefully I'll get around to cleaning my room this week. I have a new yoga video and I really want to try it out. But my room is so messy there is no way I can do yoga. It's all clothes. Whether I wear them or not they always end up on the floor.... ;)

Well, I don't think I have anything else to write about. I'm sorry this is so long. It's been a while since I've blogged and needed to get a lot of stuff out. I know there is more I could spout about, but I won't (not tonight anyways!). Good night.

My Life At This Moment

Today is the first day I've had "spare time" since Summer classes started. I had a test in all three of my classes and then no homework. It has been amazing. I spent all day getting the kitchen in shape to prime some more cabinets. I have kilz all over me. But I got half of the cabinets ready to be painted.

Classes are going well. I'm enjoying them greatly. But between work and class and homework I basically do not have a life. Although I do seem to have time to make my siblings mad. And I have time to quickly eat and sleep about 7 hours a night. Oh, and this week, I've been making time for the gym. That has been my life since summer classes started.

My vow ends in two days. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I have enjoyed not even being able to consider dating for the last month. Not that I haven't done that. I've failed my fast miserably. The only part of my fast that I've kept is the part to keep me from being an emotional eater. Praise the Lord He is forgiving. I am the worst of all sinners. I have repented more this past month than I probably have my entire life.

So two days and, boy, if I had money I would buy a coke. But I'm broke and all my loose change is in my Starbucks jar. Which I will probably using this Saturday when I drive to ATL with my 10 bucks of gas. My dearest and favorite "big brother" in the world is getting married. Thank You Jesus I can check boys out without feeling guilty and having to repent! It is not my fault You gave this girl eyes. It's not a sin to look only what I do after looking... ;)

Well, I'm off to bed. It's about my bedtime and I need to brush my teeth and put my pj's on. Pray I get some free time again. I need to finish these cabinets.

Live in Love

I feel like no one listens to me when I talk. But I can write a blog and get their attention. In fact most times whatever I write about is discussed among the family.

I am very worried about someone I love. He is always angry. No matter what happens or what we say to him he gets angry. I am seeing a trend. I love him, but I highly dislike the fact that he is acting this way.

I am prepared to take whatever comes from this blog. I'm sure it will be a full range of emotions from a lot of different people, but I can't take this anymore. I've already seen someone I love act this way and I hated it then and I hate it now.

I love you, but if you are so discontent with your life, then do something about it. You have options you just refuse to get up and do something about it. College, a job that seems more like a dream than a job, go on a trip across the states or overseas. Use your imagination and do something wonderful for yourself.

I love you so much and I hope you realize that. I am trying to say this in the nicest way I can think of, but nothing seems kind. So just know when I say this that I am not saying it in anger. I'm saying it in love. There is a season for everything and maybe it's your season to move on. You are so discontent with your life and being around us seems to make it worse at times. I don't want you to move out, but I don't like the way you are treating others. And there are times that I believe the only thing that will help is moving out.

Man, you are so smart, you are handsome, you're talented, you can do anything you put your mind to if you would believe in yourself and take a chance. You are incredible. Believe that not only do I feel that way about you, but the Lord does too and even more than I ever could.

I realize that I've probably made you angry, but I don't like you being so angry all the time. It makes me very worried and a bit scared that you are taking a path that I had hoped no one would ever go back down.

You are worth more than you know. You can do anything. I believe in you and I will support you until the day I die. But please stop living in anger. I don't know what it will take, but do something to offset this discontentment and anger. And know I love you.

Guest Bloggin'...

Wow. What an honor to be a guest blogger on Lydia's blog. 

I'm Bethany, Lydia's rarely-think-of-myself-as-older sister. It's an honor, really, to be related to Lydia and know that the same blood that runs through my veins is shared by her. That is a gift. 

Beyond the privilege of being family, Lydia is fabulous. Really, she is. Please. Let me brag about my sister. 

She has soul. She is seriously a sistah, you know, the kind that Claudia Mair Burney talks about in her books. Lydia may be freckled and blue-eyed, but deep down, the color of her soul is mocha. She has got sass and it makes that southern accent of hers get a little more ghetto. 

No one else can quite make me laugh like Lydia.  That girl can make me double-over and leave me gasping for air type of laughter. Lydia delights my heart in a way that completely is set apart from anyone else. To use her own words, she is "sooo stinkin' funny!!". If anyone thinks otherwise, get to know my sister, I dare you. 

She knows the heartbeat of my soul, the heartbeat of my mind. She is a prayer warrior like no one else, I know. She spends more time in the Word, more time on her knees, than anyone else I know - hands down. 

Lydia can make anything. Anything. Lydia walks into a kitchen, her fingers create magic in the form of food. Gourmet, come-back-beggin'-for-more, signature dishes. Enjoy her creations, take a second serving, but just don't ask for the recipe. She won't give it to you. She'll love you with food - absent the recipe attached to the dish. 

Her passions run deep as the ocean's waters, bold as a cup of Cary Grant coffee, and as rich as chocolate. That is my sister; but that is only the beginning. You can't simply summarize her, and walk away feeling like you gotten a full grasp of Lydia. That's simply silly. 

It is a sincere pleasure to be invited into her blog world. Lydia cherishes you, her readers. She talks about you; she lets her see you just as she is...So, to be invited to write alongside her, my goodness! It's a pleasure. I'm sure we will become good friends. If nothing else, because I will ride on the coattails of your devotion to Lydia. Which is fine - I'm completely okay with writing in the shadow of such a incredible woman.