Sometimes I Hate

I feel horrible. I always do when I tell a guy it's not going to work out. I feel like I lead him on (even if I didn't). I feel like I did something terribly wrong (even though I haven't).

I want to cry. and go to bed right now.

Sometimes I hate what comes with life. Including emotions, feelings, possibilities, the hope (of anything really).

I'm praying for you Mr. JGG. I promise with all of my heart, mind, body and soul that I did not intend to hurt you (if I did).

Music and Butterflies

I will never understand men. I need to get this in my head. In the meantime, I have some serious butterfly issues right now.

I still love France. I always will. And I have fallen in love with Coeur de Pirate. I don't normally like female artist, but she has the coffee house sound that I love and... she sings in French. oh.my.word.

Love and the Rest of the Story

I promise very soon to do a blog post on some products around the house that I *love* and on some I don't. :)

But I feel like it's time for an update on my love life (or rather my lack of).

As you all know I have another month left on eHarmony. April 12th cannot come soon enough. I was praying today about taking a sabbatical from dating (and even the idea/thought of dating) after my subscription ends. Y'all. I am freakin' tired!

Anyways, boys. Let's start with Mr. Music. Based on previous experience with guys, if a guy doesn't contact you for more than 3 days in a row, well, that just means he is not interested, or he's gotten tired of you, or you wouldn't have sex with him so he's through being sweet and nice and he is both tired of you and no longer interested.
I am assuming that Mr. Music is just not interested. And I've accepted that fact. But I hope we can be friends (hopefully it won't be awkward) because he is a cool guy and he has an amazing heart for the Lord.

I have realized that every person you come in contact with you give a part of yourself to them and you never get that part back. It is sweet for sure, but also annoying.

Well, I am still closing matches like it's going out of style. And I've realized that the more you are on eHarmony the more matches they send you. It's weird.

Mr.-Wound-My-Spirit. He is the next and only other guy I've "talked" to. But he should really be called Mr. Jolly Green Giant. The kid is 6'5" and wears a size 16 in shoes (I know because he told me). I have been praying about how I should tell him that this is not going to work. I mean, if after the first phone convo I feel like less of a woman (and I not only cleaned while on the phone with him, but found my long-lost-and-forgotten first aid kit, straightened my laundry and begged A to bring me my computer) then clearly it won't work. I need a man who empowers me as a woman (to be the best wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter, etc, etc) just as I will empower him as a man (to be the best husband, father, friend, brother, son, etc, etc).

My problem: I have yet to tell Mr. J.G.G that it's not going to work. AND HE CONTACTS ME ALL THE TIME!! What's a girl to do?! I need tell him. I know.

I had to pause my blog writing to check on a deer Joe hit. Joe shot it to end its misery and I wanted to skin and gut it but it was too small to have any good meat. I was a bit disappointed. And I will admit feeling a bit sick to my stomach. I've only even been that close to an animal being shot when Joe killed that rattlesnake I gutted last summer. I am going to get used to it. I still want to go hunting.

Anyways, back to Mr. Jolly Green Giant. I am going to tell him. I will not let it continue. He is sweet, funny, and loves the Lord, but he is not for me. Pray for me. I find I'm lacking courage.

That is the end of my "love life". I could say it sucks but really and truly it doesn't. I am resting in the Lord. I feel content.

My Baseball Cap

I know a guy who wears a baseball cap all the time. I've never seen him in person or in a picture without one.

I hate hats. I can only wear one kind of hat that looks good on me. You got it: a ball cap. A baseball cap.

And I occasionally like to wear a baseball cap (especially on days like today when my hair is CRAZY curly and completely out of control!).

I bought the above cap so I would not only have one of my own but so that when I wanted to wear one I wouldn't have to worry about where it has been for the past couple weeks (like maybe under my brothers bed or something).

I like it. It's gray (one of my favorite colors). It says "Hawkinsville, GA" across the front (that's my favorite town). And it fits me (told you I look good in a cap!).

I've pretty much worn it since buying it. And I've realized that baseball caps are perfect for hiding. You can pull them far down on your forehead and no one can see your eyes (or crazy hair). You can keep the world out. You can control what people see and how they see it. Ball caps are amazing.

Hiding is much easier than stepping up into the open and letting people see you.

Letting people see you is freeing. It brings relief. I pray I don't start hiding behind my cap (unless my hair is being ridiculous and that, my friend, makes hiding a must! for the sanity of the rest of the world and me!).

My Wounded Spirit

I believe God gave women a mind and a voice. I believe we are to use our mind to think intelligently. I believe we are to use our voices to speak truth. And I don't like feeling like men believe either are wrong.

I have less than one month left on eHarmony. Thank You Jesus. The entire online dating journey has been mentally and emotionally exhausting. I have talked to a quite a few guys. It's weird to "talk" to more than one guy at a time but that is the method with online dating. Anyways, I spoke on the phone with a guy tonight and he made me feel that because I'm a woman I shouldn't have an opinion. He made me feel like I shouldn't, and even couldn't speak my mind.

I am definitely not the smartest cookie on the block. But I am intelligent. I love to think. Granted, I probably think too much for my own good, but still I love to process.

I don't think it was his intention, but he made me feel insignificant because of my gender. And I did not like that. God made woman just as He made man: beautifully and wonderfully made. God gave me a brain and the ability to speak and form opinions. He made me a passionate woman with feelings and emotions. He created me to stand for truth and to fight with all I have for those things I believe are right.

Yes, He formed me to be a helpmate. Yes, He designed the relationship between a man and woman so that the woman should submit to the man. But He did not create man as the "better" sex. Just because you are a man does not make me, as a female, the lesser person.

My Dad reminded me that through this journey of online dating, even if nothing comes out of it (which at this point I really don't see anything coming out of this journey), I will learn something about myself.

And I have. Tonight, I've realized more than ever, that while I desire to be loved as one man's wife, and someday as the mother of his children, I also desire to loved because of the intelligence, God-given passion, and voice (of truth, love, grace, peace, and forgiveness) I bring to the world surrounding me. I desire to touch all who come within inches, feet, and miles of my life with the Father's great and mighty love. And I desire a man to see that I am not limited by my gender, but rather I have strengths where he has weaknesses (as he has strengths where I am weak) and that God created him as the male to be the leader, and I, as the female, to be the one who submits, but God also created us to balance.

Maybe this is all my feminine pride coming out in full force although I don't think it is. My spirit feels wounded. I feel like less of a female. And now all I want to do is cry. But praise God His mercy, grace, and love never leave me feeling rejected, forgotten or inferior.

"Oh, he's perfect... He's just not for me."

How many times have you heard that from a girl? I know I've said it before.

Almost every girl I know has that "perfect guy friend" but they would never consider him "marriage material".

But almost every girl I know (myself included) also complains about how there just aren't any guys within their social circle they would even consider.

My Dad has often said that as long as two people love the Lord and have Christ as their foundation for life they can make a marriage happen.

I think, we as women, fantasize marriage based on what our culture has told us it should be and we forget that marriage is work. It's hard work.

I loved this article for several reasons. One, she reminds us that the men who are kind, gentle and "there" are usually the best for a long-term relationship (which is what marriage should be: till death do you part). Two, in our society women are encouraged to have a job outside of the home or they are looked down upon for not achieving that level of success, but I know a lot of girls who are terrified that one day they won't have that white house with the picket fence and the 2.4 kids. She reminded me that sometimes looking for "Mr. Right" isn't always right.

Sounds like our "perfect guy friend" could be our "perfect marriage partner".

Just a thought....

My Advice (for women)

I am by no means a makeup guru. In fact, I wear a little as possible at all times. That means mascara and sometimes eye shadow. But I've discovered a makeup tip that can help any woman.

Lately, I've been staying up wayy too late and getting up too early. I need sleep like I need Jesus. I need sleep like I need air. More than food, probably not more than water, but I would say an equal amount of water/sleep is good. If I don't get sleep I get grumpy.

I also get dark circles under my eyes. I've found a way to help cover the darkness without putting on a full face of makeup. And I'm soo happy about it too. I hate put on all that makeup. It's too much work.

All you do is stay away from dark eye shadows. Use a light shade on your eyelid and it helps to brighten up your face.

Example:



My current favorite is Maybelline New York Enchanted Forrest number 24. The bottom left corner shade is a shimmering neutral. It's perfect. I have it on in the picture above.

Nothing More than a Friend

I have a problem. My newest co-worker, I believe, may like me a bit. I promise I'm not vain. But Deb said something to me last night about it and then I asked A and she agrees he is probably interested.
I am not at all interested in him. I haven't acted any differently towards him than my other co-workers. A has seen me around him multiple times so I asked her the other day if she thought I was flirting or if I treated him differently than others and she said no. She said I treat him the same way I do Nicole. So I know I've not done a thing to encourage him.

I just don't know what to do. I haven't been and won't ever be interested in him. But I'm unsure of how to handle the situation. Not to mention, I'm trying to get him to come to the Bible study because he doesn't have any friends and he needs the Lord.

I feel a bit trapped. If I change my "sunny, happy-go-lucky" attitude, not only will everyone notice, but it would be awkward. I am that way towards everyone so if I suddenly change towards him but not anyone else that is definitely a recipe for disaster. And I could then also turn him away from the Lord and I really don't want to do that. I believe his heart is open to the Father. He just won't come to the study. But he is interested in what we are studying and he's told me that my asking him to come has made him realize that God has not forgotten him.

Why must guys be so complicated? I just want to be a friend and to share Christ.

Sweatin' More Than a Pig

In response to my post "Er... Uh, Hello... Mr...?" I have come a conclusion. When dealing with "good" guys it is best if you just completely be yourself. Wow. Novel idea. Revolutionary. *I hope you caught my sarcasm.

I know that is the only thing to do with any guy. But it hit me the other day and I wanted to share.

Let's be honest. In my bedroom I am not an organized person. It drives Anna crazy. I wash my clothes and they stay in a basket until I need them and then they tend to end up on the floor. My desk is a complete mess. I clean and straighten every once in a while. And let's not even talk about the dresser.
But something that has become a very big irritant is the eHarmony matching system. I can't stand have "new matches". So I do something with them. It makes me feel organized. Ridiculous, I know, but I can't help it. I usually close them. Or I open communication and then close it later. Either way I end up closing the match. The only thing that is holding me back from actually closing my account is that I paid for one more month and I can't stand the thought of not getting my moneys worth.

I had plans to tan today, but it's raining. I don't like rain. And it's foggy. I don't like fog. I shouldn't complain about the sun. Although, I do. Quite often. I should be thankful for every day I have including the days that I'm sweating more than a pig in a mud bath.
That is my new favorite saying. But apparently pigs don't sweat. That's why they have mud baths. One of my dear brothers informed me of this after I said it. But I don't care. I like the way it sounds so I'm going to keep using it. :)

Fry My Brain

I am not a very computer savvy person. And I have no problem letting the entire world know this fact. I use my computer for a few reasons:

1) The Internet
2) Paperwork
3) Games

I'm not an Internet guru either. But I like the internet. My favorite sites to visit are Gmail, Facebook, and Twitter. If I'm online you can almost guarantee I'm on one of those three at all times. And if I can't be at home Tweeting you can be sure I'm doing it from my cell. I love me some Twitter! I could go on and on about the wonders of Twitter.
Or I'm looking for coupons. Oh goodness. I could look for coupons all night and never get tired of it. (That is actually a lie. I need sleep more than I'll ever need coupons. Lord forgive me.)

You'd be surprised how much paperwork one can do even if you aren't in college. Man, I make chore charts, menus, write letters; heavens, I do a little bit of everything. But this is pretty boring.

And yes, I play games when I'm bored and want to fry my brain. It works.

Nothing But the Blood

The Lord has been moving within my heart a lot recently especially in the area of forgiveness.

I do not like to apologize to people. Especially when I feel they don't deserve it or that I've done nothing worth apologizing for. I admit I am a very proud person. But in the past two weeks I've apologized to at least three people when I really felt I didn't have a need to say I'm sorry. But Lord lead me in that direction and I obeyed. Obedience is so sweet.

It's not only been a humbling experience it's been incredible to realize this is what Lord Jesus did for me. He said, "I'm sorry" to Father Love for me so that I, sinful, wicked, nasty as I am, could come before Him full of nothing but Christ and His grace and mercy.

How ridiculously sad and horrible life would be without the Father and His great love for me. I am beyond thankful.

Entertainment

This post is all about you and your sense of curiosity and you know, well, just in case you're wondering where I am on a personal level with this whole online dating issue.

Let me tell you online dating is exhausting. Here I am almost into my third month on eHarmony and I'm tired of it. I not only get excited if I have a guy "close" the match, but every time I open my eHarmony account I hope and pray that at least one match is done!

Tonight I had four. Thank You Jesus!

I'm sure you are all tired of hearing about online dating so we'll change the subject. Tanning. Yep. It's that time of year again.

I refuse to use a tanning bed. They are nasty. I mean you get into a small area hundreds of other ladies have also crowded into and the idea of all of their germs getting on me.... uhhhh.... I don't think so. That leaves tanning the natural way. I tan outside. Sometimes I just lay out, other times I use lotion, never tried baby oil (although, I've thought about it), basically, you just need to enjoy the sun. That is the best part. The warmth. The ability to nap outside in the sunshine. It's lovely.

Are you watching American Idol this season? For some reason I never see the guys... only the girls. And the girls pretty much suck. Speaking of TV in general I keep up with about 4 shows. I never thought I'd be one of those people who get sucked into a TV show and not be able to stop watching it. But I am now. Here are my favorites:

1) Community. If you've ever attended a small, community college you will love Community too. If you haven't, you will love it anyways. It's just that funny.
2) White Collar. There are no words for how awesome this show is. It just is.
and 3) Glee. I love music. I love singing. I love movies. I love Glee because it combines all three into one amazing TV show.

Okay, so that's only 3 shows, but still. That is a lot for this girl.

And I'm out. I am beyond exhausted mentally and physically.

More Online Dating

My friend who sent me a message about online dating asked me two more great questions.

"Love eharmony.. but only have a basic profile... any way to escape the whole payment method to talk to people? Or, just using a discount will truly help?"

Cost is something to be aware of. It's expensive to sign up on these sites. I had told my friend that they could Google eHarmony discount codes. It might take some time, but it would definitely be worth the search.

Another thing you can do if you want to put yourself out there but don't want to pay is to create an email account for online dating purposes only. Why a separate account? Well, again, it would help create a sense of disconnect with the guy (or girl) so you are able to communicate without him (or her) getting into your personal space. I believe it's vital to have this feeling of them not being in your "life" until you are ready. It will help keep you both in check.
So after you set up your email account, edit your eHarmony profile so that in your "More about Me" section it says something along these lines, "I have not paid for eHarmony, but if you want to contact me do so here: your email address.".

I have not tried this. But I've seen guys who have done it. I've also seen where guys have written to contact them over Facebook. Yeahh... right. Anyways, if you try it let me know. I'd love to know if this works.

Online Dating Part 2

Dos and Don'ts. Trust me you will want to read this if you are even considering online dating.


Dos -

Do: feel comfortable contacting any of your matches that you find attractive. The men won't always have you as a match so contact them. You never know what will happen and rules about the guys being the first to make contact don't apply.

Do: feel comfortable closing any match at any time for any reason. You don't even have to explain. If you find you don't like you him (or her) then close it. There is a level of feeling disconnected with your match so don't worry about offending or hurting their feelings.

Do: be yourself. This is no different than meeting someone in person.

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Don'ts -

Don't: feel like you have to respond to everyone that contacts you. You don't. If you don't like what's on their profile or they don't fit with what you are looking for, then don't even start talking to them. It will save you both time and frustration.

Don't: give out your personal email unless you are completely ready to do so. Many sites have anonymous email for you to use. Communicate with your match through that email for as long as you need.

Don't: agree to meet a guy without telling someone where you are going and when you plan to be back. I did not do this. Jesus protected me (there wasn't even an attempt of anything, but still. I praise Him).


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Which site to use -

I signed up for two dating sites. Match.com and eHarmony.com.

Here's another Do and Don't: Do use eHarmony. Don't use Match.com.

Here's my reasons why: Match.com is about getting one night stands. If you aren't interested in more than that, then be my guest. eHarmony is about actually matching you with someone who has the same values. I truly believe they want to play matchmaker.

All of my good experiences have come from eHarmony. I believe yours will too.

On a side note, if you are looking for a farmer, go here.

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Okay, once you've found a match and you feel okay about meeting him (or her), be prepared: you will most likely see friends you never see while on this date. It will be awkward. It will be embarrassing. You will be asked questions.
Face it. Friends are snoopy. They want to know who this new guy or gal is and why they've never heard of them before.

When I went on a date with Mr. Fail, he took me to Starbucks (he knew this was one of my favorite places in Wartown). I never see *any* of my friends at Starbucks. Never. Ever.
Wouldn't you know the one night I'm on a date I see not one, not two, but FIVE of my friends at Starbucks. The two important ones being RG and Jared. They are my boys (whether or not they realize it!).
I blushed for a good twenty minutes after seeing them and explaining to RG that I had met Mr. Fail on Match.com. I wanted to find hole and stick my head in it with my butt straight up in the air like an ostrich.

I can almost guarantee you will have this happen to you. It will suck like nothing else. You might want to die. But whatever you do and no matter how you feel, (another Don't!) don't feel like you have to tell your friend how you met your date. If necessary discuss with your date before even going on the date how to handle this type of situation. Tell him (or her) that if it happens (and while you hope it won't, you've had someone tell you it will) that you should just tell people mutual friends set you up. It will be the truth: the maker of the dating site is your mutual "friend". I can promise you saying this will save you both from tons of embarrassment.

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I think that's enough for one blog. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. I cannot be any more embarrassed than I already have been. ;)

Online Dating Part 1

"Question for you..... Sarah* and I have been thinking about the whole "online dating" thing. I read on your blog that you've tried this out before... what is your opinion of it? Good experience or bad experience? Or.. is it worth it?"

This is part of a private message I received over Facebook. On top of responding this friend, I've also decided to address the questions here (on my blog) for two reasons:
1. It's been a while since I've written about online dating
2. It's always good to share your life experiences; you never know who will learn from them.

"What is your opinion of it (online dating)?"

I, actually, think it can be a good thing. I recommend it to anyone who doesn't have any prospects within your social circle. Today's society sees nothing wrong with it (although, there is a lot of embarrassment to be had if you are caught on a date with an online guy or gal; more on that later).
You know, within our culture, we are encouraged to be "friends" with the opposite sex. And even though I don't believe there is anything wrong with that, from a girls point of view, it can cause at least one serious problem for women if there are no clear boundaries set within your friendship.

Problem #1: Girls over-think and over-analyze everything. Guys, if you smile at a girl and she is slightly interested, most likely she's going to spend all night wondering thinking about that "special" smile. She will begin to wonder when you will ask her out. It gets even more complicated after that.

I'm sure there are other problems, but that's the only one I can think of.

That being said, another reason I recommend online dating is that you are both very clearly looking for a date. There is nothing to misunderstand!

"Good experience or bad experience?"

Of course, there are always good and bad experiences with everything in life. But from my experience, online dating has been mostly good. You will "meet" good and weird/bad guys (or girls), and your choice of dating sites will also determine what kind of "matches" you receive.

One good personal story: I started communicating with a guy from FL. He loves the Lord, loves his family (the two biggest factors when I consider a guy) and he is good looking. We emailed over the dating site for a couple weeks and after that time, I realized that we made great friends, but I didn't see it going any further. I responded to his message first and then told exactly what I said above. He replied and agreed with me. We are now friends on fb. I think we'll continue to be friends for a good while.

One bad personal story (besides Mr. Fail. lol): Had a guy contact me and we started emailing back and forth. This was within the first two weeks of being on an online dating site so I wasn't really sure what to do when he said he loved me and wanted to know what he had to do to make me love him in return. Yeah, that *really* freaked me out.

"Or.. is it worth it?"

Well, considering that you have to put money out to join most sites, I don't know. Has it been worth my time and money, at this point, only time will tell (since at this moment I'm "becoming friends" with a guy; whatever that means).
The other side of the "is it worth it" question is that there is an ocean of men/women very clearly looking for potential life partners. So if you don't have any prospects within your social circle, then yes, I think it's worth it.

Coming up next, tips on which dating sites are the best, dos and don'ts, what to do if you are on a date with an online man/woman and you run into a friend, etc.

Oh, and by the way, I don't think joining an online dating site means you are desperate. Tons of people see it that way and that is the wrong way to view it. It's just another way the internet is bringing people together.

Think of it as an online version of the Bachelor. :)

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.