My Wounded Spirit

I believe God gave women a mind and a voice. I believe we are to use our mind to think intelligently. I believe we are to use our voices to speak truth. And I don't like feeling like men believe either are wrong.

I have less than one month left on eHarmony. Thank You Jesus. The entire online dating journey has been mentally and emotionally exhausting. I have talked to a quite a few guys. It's weird to "talk" to more than one guy at a time but that is the method with online dating. Anyways, I spoke on the phone with a guy tonight and he made me feel that because I'm a woman I shouldn't have an opinion. He made me feel like I shouldn't, and even couldn't speak my mind.

I am definitely not the smartest cookie on the block. But I am intelligent. I love to think. Granted, I probably think too much for my own good, but still I love to process.

I don't think it was his intention, but he made me feel insignificant because of my gender. And I did not like that. God made woman just as He made man: beautifully and wonderfully made. God gave me a brain and the ability to speak and form opinions. He made me a passionate woman with feelings and emotions. He created me to stand for truth and to fight with all I have for those things I believe are right.

Yes, He formed me to be a helpmate. Yes, He designed the relationship between a man and woman so that the woman should submit to the man. But He did not create man as the "better" sex. Just because you are a man does not make me, as a female, the lesser person.

My Dad reminded me that through this journey of online dating, even if nothing comes out of it (which at this point I really don't see anything coming out of this journey), I will learn something about myself.

And I have. Tonight, I've realized more than ever, that while I desire to be loved as one man's wife, and someday as the mother of his children, I also desire to loved because of the intelligence, God-given passion, and voice (of truth, love, grace, peace, and forgiveness) I bring to the world surrounding me. I desire to touch all who come within inches, feet, and miles of my life with the Father's great and mighty love. And I desire a man to see that I am not limited by my gender, but rather I have strengths where he has weaknesses (as he has strengths where I am weak) and that God created him as the male to be the leader, and I, as the female, to be the one who submits, but God also created us to balance.

Maybe this is all my feminine pride coming out in full force although I don't think it is. My spirit feels wounded. I feel like less of a female. And now all I want to do is cry. But praise God His mercy, grace, and love never leave me feeling rejected, forgotten or inferior.