I have heard it said that all girls over analyze everything. But sometimes I wonder if it's just me.
I have spent the last two hours praying about a choice I have before me. I am trying not to over-think, but I don't want to make a rash decision either. I also realize that if I don't decide tonight then I will probably not even consider this idea again. I'm wondering if this choice will be a turning factor in this season of my life.
The Lord has been showing me things I've put before Him. By His grace, mercy and strength, I have been fighting and winning a battle. The course of action I am praying about taking is part of this battle.
Just pray for me.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Guest Author to Depths of my Soul
I would like to introduce and welcome my first guest blogger, Bethany. Not only is she an amazing woman of God, she is my biggest supporter, my greatest challenger and the best sister/friend one could ever ask for!
I don't know when she will post, but anticipate a incredible piece of art (in the form of writing) to soon come your way!
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
So you know that whole self-fulfilling prophecy thing? I feel like that is my life.
A friend once told me that you can't help who you are attracted to or who you will or won't like. My friend says you can't control your emotions. I used to disagree with him. But I am finding more and more that it is a bit true.
What happened with CoolGuy? Nothing. After my Hate in Many Forms post we continued "talking" for a week. I kept going back and forth over whether or not I was really interested in him. It was like one day I'd totally be into him and the next I didn't even want to talk to him because I knew it would only lead him on. I told him the next Friday exactly what I just told you (well, it was a little nicer, I think). I didn't want to beat around the bush and leave him confused.
That week though I spent time with a guy that I have always been attracted to, and if it wasn't for a girl he is "talking" to, I'd like him. The worse part about it is that I don't even think she is really serious.... I mean, maybe she is. I don't know. I do know that while I love her as a friend I also doubt her in this area. To be honest, I really wish she wasn't in the picture.
I feel like I have good control over my emotions right now, but who knows how long that will last. As my friend Reid told me his parents told him "Especially in matters of the heart, do your best not to get drunk on your emotions." I love this quote because it puts emotional purity into words I can really understand. Not that I've ever been drunk.... :) But I understand because I can see how easy it is to become drunk on emotions. That is what I'm trying to avoid.
He hangs out with my family; I love that he is comfortable and even likes hanging with them. It makes my heart melt a little.
And if the mountain of laundry scares/bothers him, he hasn't said anything. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that.
He is funny and sweet; he holds open doors; he isn't a picky eater (I really like that in a guy); and I think he is drop-dead gorgeous.
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I hate emotions. I don't really care for guys (in general) right now. And I really don't even like myself at the moment.
I'll probably hear about this from my dad and I'm prepared to live with that. But this is my blog so I can write about whatever I want.
A friend once told me that you can't help who you are attracted to or who you will or won't like. My friend says you can't control your emotions. I used to disagree with him. But I am finding more and more that it is a bit true.
What happened with CoolGuy? Nothing. After my Hate in Many Forms post we continued "talking" for a week. I kept going back and forth over whether or not I was really interested in him. It was like one day I'd totally be into him and the next I didn't even want to talk to him because I knew it would only lead him on. I told him the next Friday exactly what I just told you (well, it was a little nicer, I think). I didn't want to beat around the bush and leave him confused.
That week though I spent time with a guy that I have always been attracted to, and if it wasn't for a girl he is "talking" to, I'd like him. The worse part about it is that I don't even think she is really serious.... I mean, maybe she is. I don't know. I do know that while I love her as a friend I also doubt her in this area. To be honest, I really wish she wasn't in the picture.
I feel like I have good control over my emotions right now, but who knows how long that will last. As my friend Reid told me his parents told him "Especially in matters of the heart, do your best not to get drunk on your emotions." I love this quote because it puts emotional purity into words I can really understand. Not that I've ever been drunk.... :) But I understand because I can see how easy it is to become drunk on emotions. That is what I'm trying to avoid.
He hangs out with my family; I love that he is comfortable and even likes hanging with them. It makes my heart melt a little.
And if the mountain of laundry scares/bothers him, he hasn't said anything. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that.
He is funny and sweet; he holds open doors; he isn't a picky eater (I really like that in a guy); and I think he is drop-dead gorgeous.
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I hate emotions. I don't really care for guys (in general) right now. And I really don't even like myself at the moment.
I'll probably hear about this from my dad and I'm prepared to live with that. But this is my blog so I can write about whatever I want.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Memories of the Ocean
I miss the ocean. Every morning I would get up, put my bathing suit on and go to the beach. I would take walks down the shoreline... okay, I admit, I was walking about knee-deep in the water. I miss the smell of salt. I want to go back.
We arrived home Sunday afternoon. I promptly began uploading pictures and videos to Facebook. It was so much fun going back through them and remembering all of our crazy good times.
I am babysitting this morning so I only have time to leave you with a few of my favorite pictures from the week! I'm sure I'll post more later!
I got a nice tan while at St George Island!
We were being so goofy! The ocean would rush up and coldly (literally and figuratively) hit the wrong spot.
We are so tough! I love this picture for so many reasons. One, because we are being ourselves. Two, because we really are that tough. We won't let the world stop us.
I had tons of kite problems. I can't really fly a kite that well nor can I hold it still when it needs to be still.
Umm.... I tried to keep my dress out of the water. It didn't work. I keep pulling it up, but I guess I just went deeper into the ocean so holding it didn't help at all!
Have a great day friends! I have much to blog about to come back often!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
My Art
I love painting. I'm not that good, but I love it. Here is some of the stuff I've painted since the beginning of the year.
This one I painted today. It is like all you can see is the shadow of a person, and even though it's just a shadow, you keep reaching for that person nonetheless, but all you get is nothing. Just bits and pieces, shapes and memories of that person.
I also painted this one today. It's supposed to be the sky over a body of water. This picture doesn't really make it look that great. But I really like it.
A waterfall I did a couple months ago.
This picture is kind of an upside down picture to me. The sun is supposed to be setting over crashing ocean waves... but it doesn't look like it's setting in the right direction... :)
My Marine.... can you tell?!
A foggy winter night... I really like this one as well.
And of course, how could I paint without painting my favorite thing ever?! Coffee! Oh, Coffee, how I love Thee!
Wow. That was lame and cheesy. Yeah, I'm tired. I'm going to bed.
This one I painted today. It is like all you can see is the shadow of a person, and even though it's just a shadow, you keep reaching for that person nonetheless, but all you get is nothing. Just bits and pieces, shapes and memories of that person.
I also painted this one today. It's supposed to be the sky over a body of water. This picture doesn't really make it look that great. But I really like it.
A waterfall I did a couple months ago.
This picture is kind of an upside down picture to me. The sun is supposed to be setting over crashing ocean waves... but it doesn't look like it's setting in the right direction... :)
My Marine.... can you tell?!
A foggy winter night... I really like this one as well.
And of course, how could I paint without painting my favorite thing ever?! Coffee! Oh, Coffee, how I love Thee!
Wow. That was lame and cheesy. Yeah, I'm tired. I'm going to bed.
Hate in Many Forms
I hate today. For one, it's Mother's Day and I hate Mother's Day. Right now it only reminds me of the fact that I don't have a mom. And, please, do not bring up rejoicing with others, because I don't want to rejoice with them today. Today I just want to be mad.
My entire family reads my blog. I know this and sometimes it makes it hard to blog because then stuff I write either gets discussed or I get lectured. To be honest, I've thought about starting a new blog... and not giving it to anyone.
Do I always make the right choices? No. In fact, 99.9% of the time I make the definite wrong choice. And when it comes to guys I seem to ALWAYS make the wrong decision. I don't know what to do. It is so hard being a girl and being very easily driven by emotion. I hate it. Reason two I hate today.
I have so many issues. But so many I've worked through by God's grace. Through Christ my mindset and how I believed has changed so much that it's a miracle. If Bethany would comment she could tell you it's true. Especially when it comes to guys. Oh my goodness. I can't even begin to tell you how much.
The fact that my dad thinks I'm chasing/jumping from guy to guy hurts like the dickens right now.
A month ago, I had a guy that I liked beyond belief (6 or 7 years ago) tell me that he liked me. I let my emotions get ahead of everything else. I was excited. I had a date with him planned without praying or even thinking about what I was doing. Then two days later he said he didn't like me that way. I was hurt and confused. Nothing like being rejected.
But he and I talked it out. I had wondered if something had been said (late at night) that didn't need to be said. Turns out I was right. We are still friends and talk occasionally.
Then, CoolGuy, tells me who he is. Lame as this may sound, and it may not make any sense, I had been "interested" in CoolGuy from the comments he left on my blog. But I didn't really want to "like" him since I didn't know who he was and there were some guys at that BCM who were definite no's.
Since finding out who CoolGuy is, he and I have been talking over email and text messages. I don't really know him, but I'm interested in getting to know him better.
I am in the middle of a fast and I told him no talk about relationships of any kind until it was over. He was fine with that and our conversations have been about grape juice, dogs vs. cats, what we are doing that day, our families. In my mind, harmless stuff to be talking about.
I realize that I jumped the gun with (we'll call him George; that's what I name spiders that show up in my room) George. I didn't want to repeat that again. So I have been very careful with what I've said to CoolGuy. I have even been careful about how much of my emotions I'm letting out.
Of course, that is a struggle, because sometimes I can't tell when I'm hiding my emotions or when I'm ignoring them or what! It's soooo frustrating!
I never felt like I had my mom's approval. The desire to have my dad's has doubled since she passed because she isn't here and I NEED it from my dad. Since I don't have it I really want to tell CoolGuy that I can't talk to him anymore. But another side of me doesn't want to do that. I want to tell him that we can't talk until my dad realizes that I'm not jumping from guy to guy. Will that ever happen? I don't know. But I can't do this. I don't know what to do about this. I have the email typed and ready to send to CoolGuy telling him I can't talk to him.... but I really don't want to send it.
Bethany told me to chill out. I hate it when she says that. She is not kind or compassionate when I am hurting... at least it feels that way.
Here is what people don't seem to understand. I may be a fickled, emotional girl, but when I enter a relationship it will be for life. I have no desire or plan to date casually. I don't even want to do the whole, "Hey, let's go on two dates and see if it works". I'm so loyal that it will never be less than forever. Even though I've never been in a relationship I know this is true. I know it because I am so loyal and protective of my family and close friends.
And that is why I'm being (well, I thought I was) so careful. I hate making mistakes. George was a mistake and I have no desire to repeat it. That is why I'm so unsure about what to do to get my Dad to see that I am trying to be very cautious with CoolGuy.
I'm going to get something to eat. Then I'll be back to blog about the stuff I've been painting.
My entire family reads my blog. I know this and sometimes it makes it hard to blog because then stuff I write either gets discussed or I get lectured. To be honest, I've thought about starting a new blog... and not giving it to anyone.
Do I always make the right choices? No. In fact, 99.9% of the time I make the definite wrong choice. And when it comes to guys I seem to ALWAYS make the wrong decision. I don't know what to do. It is so hard being a girl and being very easily driven by emotion. I hate it. Reason two I hate today.
I have so many issues. But so many I've worked through by God's grace. Through Christ my mindset and how I believed has changed so much that it's a miracle. If Bethany would comment she could tell you it's true. Especially when it comes to guys. Oh my goodness. I can't even begin to tell you how much.
The fact that my dad thinks I'm chasing/jumping from guy to guy hurts like the dickens right now.
A month ago, I had a guy that I liked beyond belief (6 or 7 years ago) tell me that he liked me. I let my emotions get ahead of everything else. I was excited. I had a date with him planned without praying or even thinking about what I was doing. Then two days later he said he didn't like me that way. I was hurt and confused. Nothing like being rejected.
But he and I talked it out. I had wondered if something had been said (late at night) that didn't need to be said. Turns out I was right. We are still friends and talk occasionally.
Then, CoolGuy, tells me who he is. Lame as this may sound, and it may not make any sense, I had been "interested" in CoolGuy from the comments he left on my blog. But I didn't really want to "like" him since I didn't know who he was and there were some guys at that BCM who were definite no's.
Since finding out who CoolGuy is, he and I have been talking over email and text messages. I don't really know him, but I'm interested in getting to know him better.
I am in the middle of a fast and I told him no talk about relationships of any kind until it was over. He was fine with that and our conversations have been about grape juice, dogs vs. cats, what we are doing that day, our families. In my mind, harmless stuff to be talking about.
I realize that I jumped the gun with (we'll call him George; that's what I name spiders that show up in my room) George. I didn't want to repeat that again. So I have been very careful with what I've said to CoolGuy. I have even been careful about how much of my emotions I'm letting out.
Of course, that is a struggle, because sometimes I can't tell when I'm hiding my emotions or when I'm ignoring them or what! It's soooo frustrating!
I never felt like I had my mom's approval. The desire to have my dad's has doubled since she passed because she isn't here and I NEED it from my dad. Since I don't have it I really want to tell CoolGuy that I can't talk to him anymore. But another side of me doesn't want to do that. I want to tell him that we can't talk until my dad realizes that I'm not jumping from guy to guy. Will that ever happen? I don't know. But I can't do this. I don't know what to do about this. I have the email typed and ready to send to CoolGuy telling him I can't talk to him.... but I really don't want to send it.
Bethany told me to chill out. I hate it when she says that. She is not kind or compassionate when I am hurting... at least it feels that way.
Here is what people don't seem to understand. I may be a fickled, emotional girl, but when I enter a relationship it will be for life. I have no desire or plan to date casually. I don't even want to do the whole, "Hey, let's go on two dates and see if it works". I'm so loyal that it will never be less than forever. Even though I've never been in a relationship I know this is true. I know it because I am so loyal and protective of my family and close friends.
And that is why I'm being (well, I thought I was) so careful. I hate making mistakes. George was a mistake and I have no desire to repeat it. That is why I'm so unsure about what to do to get my Dad to see that I am trying to be very cautious with CoolGuy.
I'm going to get something to eat. Then I'll be back to blog about the stuff I've been painting.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Spring, Summer and Fall
It has been 10 days since I last blogged. A lot has happened. I found out who CoolGuy is (I'm not telling right yet, so don't ask me!). I finished my first semester of college. And I'm already experiencing boredom from not having anything to do. I hate it.
Sooo.... CoolGuy is pretty amazing from what I know of him. We have been emailing for the last week. Things I've noticed about him in the last week: he rarely smiles in a picture. I think I make him so nervous inside that he just clams up (I can't decide if that is annoying or cute!). He is extremely laid back, calm, and he hides his emotions pretty well. He is an interesting guy; he's a cool guy! haha! I'm so lame.
He promised not to read my blog anymore so I could have my space to write whatever I wanted. Personally, I really appreciated that. I was shocked and amazed that he knew I needed my sounding board! Maybe I shouldn't have been so shocked, daddy says people can find out a whole lot about me just by reading my blog. :0
Finals. I only had two and they were both today, back to back. I think I did pretty good! I'm not scared of getting my results back so that should be a good thing. I miss school already. I don't like having nothing to do. I thrive on deadlines (I think). I'm looking forward to summer school. June 23rd! I am in learning support math (not my best subject apparently!) and I'm taking a health class.
In the fall I am taking Comp II, French II, American Government, weight training (whatever that is! my advisor asked if I wanted to and I said, sure!), Intro to PSYC, and if I pass the math support (which I will pass!), then College Algebra will be added to the schedule.
I am looking forward to painting during my summer break. My plans include the hallway and the dining room. I am trying with all my might to find a Ralph Lauren color I saw in a magazine a couple months ago. I saw the color, Creamy Copper, in the December 2008 Better Homes and Gardens, in January. I LOVE that color! I want to paint the hallway and I'm thinking half of the dining room wall the same color. I just think it's the perfect color to gracefully blend the living room (a deep, brick-ish red) and the bathroom (a bright violet). But Home Depot can't find it in their computers. If anyone has a copy of that magazine from December that they are willing to give up I would love to have it!
The dining room wall is separated into two sections and I think I would like to paint the bottom a dark brownish copper and the top the creamy copper (which is more of a gold color).
The hallway I want the entire thing to be the creamy copper. It doesn't have the greatest lighting, and I think the creamy copper because it's a kind of a metallic color it will glimmer and I think it will be very nice.
Sometime in the future my plan is to also paint the Kitchen. I'd like to paint it a blue color with brown/beige/tan-ish accents. The kitchen towels we have are blue and tan so I'd like to stick with that.
After I paint all of those rooms I'll be done. I would have painted every room in the house except Dad's bedroom and bath. I'm excited. I love painting. I love the smell.
I also want to plant a small garden during my free summer hours. I am hoping to do that before we leave on vacation. I would love to have fresh tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers and definitely watermelons this summer. I'd like to get in the habit of gardening year round, according to what is in season, but we'll see how that goes!
Sooo.... CoolGuy is pretty amazing from what I know of him. We have been emailing for the last week. Things I've noticed about him in the last week: he rarely smiles in a picture. I think I make him so nervous inside that he just clams up (I can't decide if that is annoying or cute!). He is extremely laid back, calm, and he hides his emotions pretty well. He is an interesting guy; he's a cool guy! haha! I'm so lame.
He promised not to read my blog anymore so I could have my space to write whatever I wanted. Personally, I really appreciated that. I was shocked and amazed that he knew I needed my sounding board! Maybe I shouldn't have been so shocked, daddy says people can find out a whole lot about me just by reading my blog. :0
Finals. I only had two and they were both today, back to back. I think I did pretty good! I'm not scared of getting my results back so that should be a good thing. I miss school already. I don't like having nothing to do. I thrive on deadlines (I think). I'm looking forward to summer school. June 23rd! I am in learning support math (not my best subject apparently!) and I'm taking a health class.
In the fall I am taking Comp II, French II, American Government, weight training (whatever that is! my advisor asked if I wanted to and I said, sure!), Intro to PSYC, and if I pass the math support (which I will pass!), then College Algebra will be added to the schedule.
I am looking forward to painting during my summer break. My plans include the hallway and the dining room. I am trying with all my might to find a Ralph Lauren color I saw in a magazine a couple months ago. I saw the color, Creamy Copper, in the December 2008 Better Homes and Gardens, in January. I LOVE that color! I want to paint the hallway and I'm thinking half of the dining room wall the same color. I just think it's the perfect color to gracefully blend the living room (a deep, brick-ish red) and the bathroom (a bright violet). But Home Depot can't find it in their computers. If anyone has a copy of that magazine from December that they are willing to give up I would love to have it!
The dining room wall is separated into two sections and I think I would like to paint the bottom a dark brownish copper and the top the creamy copper (which is more of a gold color).
The hallway I want the entire thing to be the creamy copper. It doesn't have the greatest lighting, and I think the creamy copper because it's a kind of a metallic color it will glimmer and I think it will be very nice.
Sometime in the future my plan is to also paint the Kitchen. I'd like to paint it a blue color with brown/beige/tan-ish accents. The kitchen towels we have are blue and tan so I'd like to stick with that.
After I paint all of those rooms I'll be done. I would have painted every room in the house except Dad's bedroom and bath. I'm excited. I love painting. I love the smell.
I also want to plant a small garden during my free summer hours. I am hoping to do that before we leave on vacation. I would love to have fresh tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers and definitely watermelons this summer. I'd like to get in the habit of gardening year round, according to what is in season, but we'll see how that goes!
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