Hate in Many Forms

I hate today. For one, it's Mother's Day and I hate Mother's Day. Right now it only reminds me of the fact that I don't have a mom. And, please, do not bring up rejoicing with others, because I don't want to rejoice with them today. Today I just want to be mad.

My entire family reads my blog. I know this and sometimes it makes it hard to blog because then stuff I write either gets discussed or I get lectured. To be honest, I've thought about starting a new blog... and not giving it to anyone.

Do I always make the right choices? No. In fact, 99.9% of the time I make the definite wrong choice. And when it comes to guys I seem to ALWAYS make the wrong decision. I don't know what to do. It is so hard being a girl and being very easily driven by emotion. I hate it. Reason two I hate today.

I have so many issues. But so many I've worked through by God's grace. Through Christ my mindset and how I believed has changed so much that it's a miracle. If Bethany would comment she could tell you it's true. Especially when it comes to guys. Oh my goodness. I can't even begin to tell you how much.

The fact that my dad thinks I'm chasing/jumping from guy to guy hurts like the dickens right now.

A month ago, I had a guy that I liked beyond belief (6 or 7 years ago) tell me that he liked me. I let my emotions get ahead of everything else. I was excited. I had a date with him planned without praying or even thinking about what I was doing. Then two days later he said he didn't like me that way. I was hurt and confused. Nothing like being rejected.
But he and I talked it out. I had wondered if something had been said (late at night) that didn't need to be said. Turns out I was right. We are still friends and talk occasionally.

Then, CoolGuy, tells me who he is. Lame as this may sound, and it may not make any sense, I had been "interested" in CoolGuy from the comments he left on my blog. But I didn't really want to "like" him since I didn't know who he was and there were some guys at that BCM who were definite no's.
Since finding out who CoolGuy is, he and I have been talking over email and text messages. I don't really know him, but I'm interested in getting to know him better.

I am in the middle of a fast and I told him no talk about relationships of any kind until it was over. He was fine with that and our conversations have been about grape juice, dogs vs. cats, what we are doing that day, our families. In my mind, harmless stuff to be talking about.

I realize that I jumped the gun with (we'll call him George; that's what I name spiders that show up in my room) George. I didn't want to repeat that again. So I have been very careful with what I've said to CoolGuy. I have even been careful about how much of my emotions I'm letting out.

Of course, that is a struggle, because sometimes I can't tell when I'm hiding my emotions or when I'm ignoring them or what! It's soooo frustrating!

I never felt like I had my mom's approval. The desire to have my dad's has doubled since she passed because she isn't here and I NEED it from my dad. Since I don't have it I really want to tell CoolGuy that I can't talk to him anymore. But another side of me doesn't want to do that. I want to tell him that we can't talk until my dad realizes that I'm not jumping from guy to guy. Will that ever happen? I don't know. But I can't do this. I don't know what to do about this. I have the email typed and ready to send to CoolGuy telling him I can't talk to him.... but I really don't want to send it.

Bethany told me to chill out. I hate it when she says that. She is not kind or compassionate when I am hurting... at least it feels that way.

Here is what people don't seem to understand. I may be a fickled, emotional girl, but when I enter a relationship it will be for life. I have no desire or plan to date casually. I don't even want to do the whole, "Hey, let's go on two dates and see if it works". I'm so loyal that it will never be less than forever. Even though I've never been in a relationship I know this is true. I know it because I am so loyal and protective of my family and close friends.

And that is why I'm being (well, I thought I was) so careful. I hate making mistakes. George was a mistake and I have no desire to repeat it. That is why I'm so unsure about what to do to get my Dad to see that I am trying to be very cautious with CoolGuy.

I'm going to get something to eat. Then I'll be back to blog about the stuff I've been painting.