Bigger than Texas

I have so much to write about before going to bed.

If you've been reading my blog for any period of time, you know that I have problems bigger than Texas. And here comes more.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I was on the verge of hating/highly disliking Ben.

Growing up the one reason I hated Bethany making new friends was because I feared they would take her from me.

See, whether real or imagined, whatever attention I lacked from Mom, I got from Bethany. She has always believed in me. Always believed that I was worth looking after. She made sure that I knew I was loved and wanted. That I was smart and could do anything I decided to do. And I know some of you will say that Mom felt that way too, but the truth of the matter is, I never saw or heard it from Mom. I have feared losing Bethany and had an extreme dislike for many girls for that reason.

Friday Bethany put me on hold to talk to Ben twice. I don't think she has ever done that... not for Meg, or Dad, or anyone I can remember. I was mad. I yelled at Ben while on hold and told him he sucked worse than anything.

When I took the kids to Cold Stone (it was their first time) I sent Bethany a picture text and all she said was, "I'm so happy." That irritated me too. I wanted to make her jealous she was only with Ben and not with us.

And then I cried myself to sleep because I realized that Ben is taking my place. Of course, he isn't taking it in some ways, but in very many ways he is.

And I have been praying against highly disliking him ever since I realized all of this. I know that he is going to be around for forever. If Bethany doesn't know that, now she does. He is her one. I've said that from the beginning. Ask Anna, she'll tell you it's true.

My life is at a another turn in the bend. My life is changing once again. It's another big, huge change and I hate change.

But praise the Lord He is faithful. It's amazing to actually feel your spirit warring against your flesh. I really don't like Ben right now. But I don't want to not like him. Does that make sense? Mostly because I know it's wrong, and I know it will hurt Bethany if I'm nasty when he's down next weekend. And amazingly enough, I don't want to be nasty to him. That is a weird feeling.... mostly just because I'm usually more stubborn than an ox and I fight to the point of being spiritually knocked out. Can you tell God is taking over my mind, heart and spirit?

I've surrendered. I'm not going to mentally or orally fight Ben for Bethany like I have with Bethany and others.

In the past God has used young men to break me and to get my attention. A couple months ago I prayed that if the Lord was going to break me that He wouldn't use a guy to do it. My heart always ends up a bit bruised and I didn't want to deal with that.
The funny thing is, He used a guy, but not in the way I prayed against. I have been broken.

This vow has opened me up to Father Love in ways I never expected. I have finally realized that Bethany cannot be my source of self-worth. That comes from Christ Jesus alone. In Him I am more confident in my own skin than I have been in years. In fact, in some ways it feels like I've gone back to being 16. The only differences being my age and the fact that I love my Savior more than I love attention from guys (which is all I thought about at 16).

If you've made it this far in the post, you should at least comment and say you did. ;)

I've written all this to say that even though I have moments where I loath all that I am and even though there are times I accept without any doubt the lies satan feeds my mind, Father Love is taking over. I am changing to be a better, stronger, lovelier version of myself and it's all because the love of Jesus is flowing strong, wild and free within me. How could I not share and give Him the honor and glory He deserves for this marvelous work?!