Master of.... Exhaustion, Masking, and Losing

Yep. That would be me. I am constantly tired thus the Master of Exhaustion. I don't get enough sleep, I run ALL day every day. I feel like my week ran into my weekend which then ran into my week and I didn't even have a break last weekend.

Whether it's family, college, Pampered Chef, trying to have a social life, etc, I can't seem to find enough time to be still. To rest. To pause life and forget about everything. I don't even do that in my sleep. I woke up last night at 4:30am thinking it was time for school. I went back to bed!

I'm tired of playing the balancing game and I'm so ready to drop something, but I can't drop any of it. It's all too important to me and my future. I'm not trying to sound like a whiny baby I just to release and right now my blog is a form of release.

I'm trying to read the Word every day. I'm doing better. My Sunday School teacher challenged me to pray every day for 40 days that God would show me He loves me. I know He does, but right now I feel so weak and used, I just need to hear Him say it or to show me. I've been looking and listening.

I love the moon. With a passion. I think it is the most amazing, awesome, incredible thing ever. It's round with dents and craters; it's not perfect. Sometimes it's orange or red; other nights it's silver and gray and just plain beautiful. I love the moon. This morning I was about to turn out of my driveway and I looked down the opposite road and guess what I saw? All big, bright and orange? The moon. I almost started crying. It was a gift of love from my Father Love.

It's almost that time... and I haven't been this emotional in a lllllooooonnnnnnggggggg time. I cry over everything. It's irritating and I am so ready to have a big cry and be over with it!

You called. You made me cry. I think you are slowly breaking my heart. I hope you don't read my blog. :)

I've realized that I am the Master of Masking... my emotions. I won't even realize I'm feeling a certain way until I'm at the breaking point. It's horrible and I'm not sure how to deal with it. You know, how to stop masking and starting dealing with my emotions. Writing my essay and then dealing with my grandfather's funeral made me come face to face with this realization. The week leading up to Pop-Pop's funeral I felt nothing. Friday, two hours before the visitation, I was about to completely lose it. I was trying not to cry and it wasn't really working.
Then reading my essay I remembered where I've been and what has happened in my past that has made me the Master of Masking. You try being strong for everyone you (family, close friends and also not so close friends) know for 6 plus years and you will become a Master of Masking too. I'm tired of masking and I'm a bit tired of being strong.

I lost everything I've worked on today. College papers, speeches, study guides, Pampered Chef downloads, and so much more. I had a virus on my computer and the Tech guys said since my computer wasn't responding to anything I needed to restore my drive to where it was when I received the computer. Back to nothing. I was crushed. I couldn't believe it. I was already feeling weight of the world and this did not help. And wouldn't you know as soon as it was over my brothers said, I could have saved your stuff to my portable hard drive (or whatever it is).
So I guess I'm not really a Master of Losing. I just feel like one.

I'm going to bed in about 40 minutes. I've re-written my speech for Thursday (that was one of the things I'd lost!). Now I just have about 5 study guides to rewrite. I really want to ask my English Prof for copies of my essay because the only one I have is here on my blog. I want my drafts and everything.

Oh, have I told you lately that I seriously love Andy Merrick's blog? http://blog.andymerrick.com/ He is my ray of sunshine on these very cloudy days. He's so funny and I definitely need the laughs. I'm praising God for that man right now. Pray for Andy. It's his last couple days at work and then he is writing full-time! I'm so excited for him. I can't wait for his first book! It's going to be about relationships. I could use a good book on relationships right now.
Speaking of relationships, you should check out Dave Barnes new EP. I purchased it from iTunes and I love it. My favorite is Until You. I've heard the song before but now it's a love song from my Savior. I'm digging it.
Another related topic. My purity ring. I've started wearing it on my right ring finger. RG told me that until a year or so ago he didn't even know there were two separate rings for the girl (engagement ring and wedding band). I made me think that maybe guys avoid me because I've been wearing it on my left finger and they don't know if I'm in a relationship or not. I don't know if I could handle a relationship right now, but it is one of my deepest desires to be married and I don't want to scare the right guy by having a ring on my left ring finger. Am I crazy?!

I need to brush my teeth (I got a new toothbrush yesterday!) and then go to bed. After I print and practice my speech on my family! Don't let me forget to write the full-sentence outline tomorrow.

Good night friends. Sorry this is so long.