Dear Mom,
I've been thinking about you a lot today. I miss you and wish you could be here. I often feel pushed and pulled into so many directions with this wedding and it would be nice to have you here to help guide me.
I'm headed into my last couple weeks at home. I've worked hard in helping Dad with your babies and with the house.
Honestly, sometimes my siblings feel a little like my own and I love them more than anything and the thought of leaving them breaks my heart. You gave birth to some *amazing* young men and an *incredible* young woman.
I try not to think about leaving since it makes me want to cry. Adam is my one and only and I want to marry him more than anything. But I worry about them even though I know they'll be alright. They are all grown now and don't need me. So I'm sure once again I am the one needing them more than they need me. They have stolen my heart and I'm going to miss them.
I'm trying to tie up my loose ends around the house. I'm painting the dining room. I hope to get to the kitchen and hallway before I leave in August. I've tried to paint every room as dramatic as possible. I remember how much you loved Mrs. L. B.'s house and her striking paint color in every room.
I've painted the hall bathroom a bright purple. Almost everyone comments on how bright it is and all I can think is, "Well, Mom would have loved it".
I painted the living room a deep red. It's definitely the defining feature of the room. And I'm in the midst of painting the dining room two colors. The wall has chair-rail wood trim and I've painted the wall above the trim a shimmering gold and the wall below a glistening bronze. I plan to have elegant burgundy curtain to bring the living room and dining room together. It will definitely be dramatic and I know you would love it.
I hope you are proud of the work I've done, the time spent, the love given. I've worked hard to fulfill your desire for me to care for my siblings. I hope you don't regret prepping me to be home.
I pray I've given enough to my siblings. I was/am not always the best example and I've failed many, many times. But I do love them and I do want the best for them. I hope they know that.
I know the Lord's plans are best but I wish with all my heart you were still here and were able to be here for my wedding. I love you and miss you so much.
Love,
Lydia
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Friday, July 8, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Premarital Sex - Year Later
A reader commented on my last post and asked how I feel now.... a year later after having premarital sex.
A lot has happened in one year.
And it may take a couple posts to bring my life up to date.
In the mean time, how I feel? Sometimes there is still pain, a lot of pain. But there is joy and I am healing.
Last summer I went to a therapist and she really helped me jump-start my healing process by showing me the Love of the LORD.
I also started a girls-only book club called WOP (Women of Purity) and we read Emotional Purity. I had read the book before but never truly realized how important it is to be emotionally pure. And they all helped me heal even more.
I also met a man. A good man. A man who desires to make a vow before GOD and man to protect, love, cherish and not to ever leave me.
Having premarital sex with a man who wanted nothing more than to check off "virgin" on his sexual quest list left me scarred and on major defense when it came to men.
Adam has had to break down walls and he's done it with such love and gentleness that I know it's from the Father of Love.
Adam and I are getting married in August and my heart sings with joy. God has blessed me and He's healing my wounds.
And I am thankful.
A lot has happened in one year.
And it may take a couple posts to bring my life up to date.
In the mean time, how I feel? Sometimes there is still pain, a lot of pain. But there is joy and I am healing.
Last summer I went to a therapist and she really helped me jump-start my healing process by showing me the Love of the LORD.
I also started a girls-only book club called WOP (Women of Purity) and we read Emotional Purity. I had read the book before but never truly realized how important it is to be emotionally pure. And they all helped me heal even more.
I also met a man. A good man. A man who desires to make a vow before GOD and man to protect, love, cherish and not to ever leave me.
Having premarital sex with a man who wanted nothing more than to check off "virgin" on his sexual quest list left me scarred and on major defense when it came to men.
Adam has had to break down walls and he's done it with such love and gentleness that I know it's from the Father of Love.
Adam and I are getting married in August and my heart sings with joy. God has blessed me and He's healing my wounds.
And I am thankful.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
You Spark My Attention Like a Firefly
Guess what I smelled this evening? *smiles* Honeysuckles. I love honeysuckles. They remind me of my childhood and growing up running through the backyard playing cowboy and indians with my siblings and having to stop for a honeysuckle snack.
It made me think of all the things I could never get tired of... like the smell of wood burning. This is the smell of men to me. I don't know why but when I smell its smokey haze I think of very masculine men and it makes me happy every time.
Salty ocean air. Oh, how I love the ocean. I love standing right on the edge and letting the water lick my toes and the sand draw my feet into its depths. I don't like to drink ocean water but I love the way it taste.
Roses. By far my favorite flower. I love them. They are beautiful. They remind me of myself. Sometimes I feel like I draw people in but I never let them get too close with my thorns to protect.
Rich, moist black dirt. I love walking barefoot in black dirt. It's soft and cold and makes me giggle like a little girl! I'm always careful though. I don't like the thought of stepping on a worm.
The morning dew or the air right after it has been raining. Everything is fresh. It beckons you to come outside and linger awhile in the morning light or the afternoon breeze.
Fireflies. They are some of the only good memories I have of growing up in Tennessee. Remember running in the cold evening grass and catching them in mason jars? Then we moved to GA and you rarely see them here. I miss them. Little fairies twinkling in the moonlight.
Other things that melt my heart and make me smile: The sun warming my skin. A hug from Jared. He makes my day. The moon begging for an audience. An email from Reid. Oh my word. I love that kid. He makes me laugh and I can't wait to hang out with him soon. Water racing over rocks. Spending a day talking about boys with Candace. I had a such a wonderful time. Driving with the windows down and the music up. Hearing my family talking, laughing or even arguing in the background. Comments on my blog - you have no idea how it warms my heart. Biking. I think I could do it all day. Time spent with Bethany. Knowing, believing and evening feeling how much God loves me.
It made me think of all the things I could never get tired of... like the smell of wood burning. This is the smell of men to me. I don't know why but when I smell its smokey haze I think of very masculine men and it makes me happy every time.
Salty ocean air. Oh, how I love the ocean. I love standing right on the edge and letting the water lick my toes and the sand draw my feet into its depths. I don't like to drink ocean water but I love the way it taste.
Roses. By far my favorite flower. I love them. They are beautiful. They remind me of myself. Sometimes I feel like I draw people in but I never let them get too close with my thorns to protect.
Rich, moist black dirt. I love walking barefoot in black dirt. It's soft and cold and makes me giggle like a little girl! I'm always careful though. I don't like the thought of stepping on a worm.
The morning dew or the air right after it has been raining. Everything is fresh. It beckons you to come outside and linger awhile in the morning light or the afternoon breeze.
Fireflies. They are some of the only good memories I have of growing up in Tennessee. Remember running in the cold evening grass and catching them in mason jars? Then we moved to GA and you rarely see them here. I miss them. Little fairies twinkling in the moonlight.
Other things that melt my heart and make me smile: The sun warming my skin. A hug from Jared. He makes my day. The moon begging for an audience. An email from Reid. Oh my word. I love that kid. He makes me laugh and I can't wait to hang out with him soon. Water racing over rocks. Spending a day talking about boys with Candace. I had a such a wonderful time. Driving with the windows down and the music up. Hearing my family talking, laughing or even arguing in the background. Comments on my blog - you have no idea how it warms my heart. Biking. I think I could do it all day. Time spent with Bethany. Knowing, believing and evening feeling how much God loves me.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Master of.... Exhaustion, Masking, and Losing
Yep. That would be me. I am constantly tired thus the Master of Exhaustion. I don't get enough sleep, I run ALL day every day. I feel like my week ran into my weekend which then ran into my week and I didn't even have a break last weekend.
Whether it's family, college, Pampered Chef, trying to have a social life, etc, I can't seem to find enough time to be still. To rest. To pause life and forget about everything. I don't even do that in my sleep. I woke up last night at 4:30am thinking it was time for school. I went back to bed!
I'm tired of playing the balancing game and I'm so ready to drop something, but I can't drop any of it. It's all too important to me and my future. I'm not trying to sound like a whiny baby I just to release and right now my blog is a form of release.
I'm trying to read the Word every day. I'm doing better. My Sunday School teacher challenged me to pray every day for 40 days that God would show me He loves me. I know He does, but right now I feel so weak and used, I just need to hear Him say it or to show me. I've been looking and listening.
I love the moon. With a passion. I think it is the most amazing, awesome, incredible thing ever. It's round with dents and craters; it's not perfect. Sometimes it's orange or red; other nights it's silver and gray and just plain beautiful. I love the moon. This morning I was about to turn out of my driveway and I looked down the opposite road and guess what I saw? All big, bright and orange? The moon. I almost started crying. It was a gift of love from my Father Love.
It's almost that time... and I haven't been this emotional in a lllllooooonnnnnnggggggg time. I cry over everything. It's irritating and I am so ready to have a big cry and be over with it!
You called. You made me cry. I think you are slowly breaking my heart. I hope you don't read my blog. :)
I've realized that I am the Master of Masking... my emotions. I won't even realize I'm feeling a certain way until I'm at the breaking point. It's horrible and I'm not sure how to deal with it. You know, how to stop masking and starting dealing with my emotions. Writing my essay and then dealing with my grandfather's funeral made me come face to face with this realization. The week leading up to Pop-Pop's funeral I felt nothing. Friday, two hours before the visitation, I was about to completely lose it. I was trying not to cry and it wasn't really working.
Then reading my essay I remembered where I've been and what has happened in my past that has made me the Master of Masking. You try being strong for everyone you (family, close friends and also not so close friends) know for 6 plus years and you will become a Master of Masking too. I'm tired of masking and I'm a bit tired of being strong.
I lost everything I've worked on today. College papers, speeches, study guides, Pampered Chef downloads, and so much more. I had a virus on my computer and the Tech guys said since my computer wasn't responding to anything I needed to restore my drive to where it was when I received the computer. Back to nothing. I was crushed. I couldn't believe it. I was already feeling weight of the world and this did not help. And wouldn't you know as soon as it was over my brothers said, I could have saved your stuff to my portable hard drive (or whatever it is).
So I guess I'm not really a Master of Losing. I just feel like one.
I'm going to bed in about 40 minutes. I've re-written my speech for Thursday (that was one of the things I'd lost!). Now I just have about 5 study guides to rewrite. I really want to ask my English Prof for copies of my essay because the only one I have is here on my blog. I want my drafts and everything.
Oh, have I told you lately that I seriously love Andy Merrick's blog? http://blog.andymerrick.com/ He is my ray of sunshine on these very cloudy days. He's so funny and I definitely need the laughs. I'm praising God for that man right now. Pray for Andy. It's his last couple days at work and then he is writing full-time! I'm so excited for him. I can't wait for his first book! It's going to be about relationships. I could use a good book on relationships right now.
Speaking of relationships, you should check out Dave Barnes new EP. I purchased it from iTunes and I love it. My favorite is Until You. I've heard the song before but now it's a love song from my Savior. I'm digging it.
Another related topic. My purity ring. I've started wearing it on my right ring finger. RG told me that until a year or so ago he didn't even know there were two separate rings for the girl (engagement ring and wedding band). I made me think that maybe guys avoid me because I've been wearing it on my left finger and they don't know if I'm in a relationship or not. I don't know if I could handle a relationship right now, but it is one of my deepest desires to be married and I don't want to scare the right guy by having a ring on my left ring finger. Am I crazy?!
I need to brush my teeth (I got a new toothbrush yesterday!) and then go to bed. After I print and practice my speech on my family! Don't let me forget to write the full-sentence outline tomorrow.
Good night friends. Sorry this is so long.
Whether it's family, college, Pampered Chef, trying to have a social life, etc, I can't seem to find enough time to be still. To rest. To pause life and forget about everything. I don't even do that in my sleep. I woke up last night at 4:30am thinking it was time for school. I went back to bed!
I'm tired of playing the balancing game and I'm so ready to drop something, but I can't drop any of it. It's all too important to me and my future. I'm not trying to sound like a whiny baby I just to release and right now my blog is a form of release.
I'm trying to read the Word every day. I'm doing better. My Sunday School teacher challenged me to pray every day for 40 days that God would show me He loves me. I know He does, but right now I feel so weak and used, I just need to hear Him say it or to show me. I've been looking and listening.
I love the moon. With a passion. I think it is the most amazing, awesome, incredible thing ever. It's round with dents and craters; it's not perfect. Sometimes it's orange or red; other nights it's silver and gray and just plain beautiful. I love the moon. This morning I was about to turn out of my driveway and I looked down the opposite road and guess what I saw? All big, bright and orange? The moon. I almost started crying. It was a gift of love from my Father Love.
It's almost that time... and I haven't been this emotional in a lllllooooonnnnnnggggggg time. I cry over everything. It's irritating and I am so ready to have a big cry and be over with it!
You called. You made me cry. I think you are slowly breaking my heart. I hope you don't read my blog. :)
I've realized that I am the Master of Masking... my emotions. I won't even realize I'm feeling a certain way until I'm at the breaking point. It's horrible and I'm not sure how to deal with it. You know, how to stop masking and starting dealing with my emotions. Writing my essay and then dealing with my grandfather's funeral made me come face to face with this realization. The week leading up to Pop-Pop's funeral I felt nothing. Friday, two hours before the visitation, I was about to completely lose it. I was trying not to cry and it wasn't really working.
Then reading my essay I remembered where I've been and what has happened in my past that has made me the Master of Masking. You try being strong for everyone you (family, close friends and also not so close friends) know for 6 plus years and you will become a Master of Masking too. I'm tired of masking and I'm a bit tired of being strong.
I lost everything I've worked on today. College papers, speeches, study guides, Pampered Chef downloads, and so much more. I had a virus on my computer and the Tech guys said since my computer wasn't responding to anything I needed to restore my drive to where it was when I received the computer. Back to nothing. I was crushed. I couldn't believe it. I was already feeling weight of the world and this did not help. And wouldn't you know as soon as it was over my brothers said, I could have saved your stuff to my portable hard drive (or whatever it is).
So I guess I'm not really a Master of Losing. I just feel like one.
I'm going to bed in about 40 minutes. I've re-written my speech for Thursday (that was one of the things I'd lost!). Now I just have about 5 study guides to rewrite. I really want to ask my English Prof for copies of my essay because the only one I have is here on my blog. I want my drafts and everything.
Oh, have I told you lately that I seriously love Andy Merrick's blog? http://blog.andymerrick.com/ He is my ray of sunshine on these very cloudy days. He's so funny and I definitely need the laughs. I'm praising God for that man right now. Pray for Andy. It's his last couple days at work and then he is writing full-time! I'm so excited for him. I can't wait for his first book! It's going to be about relationships. I could use a good book on relationships right now.
Speaking of relationships, you should check out Dave Barnes new EP. I purchased it from iTunes and I love it. My favorite is Until You. I've heard the song before but now it's a love song from my Savior. I'm digging it.
Another related topic. My purity ring. I've started wearing it on my right ring finger. RG told me that until a year or so ago he didn't even know there were two separate rings for the girl (engagement ring and wedding band). I made me think that maybe guys avoid me because I've been wearing it on my left finger and they don't know if I'm in a relationship or not. I don't know if I could handle a relationship right now, but it is one of my deepest desires to be married and I don't want to scare the right guy by having a ring on my left ring finger. Am I crazy?!
I need to brush my teeth (I got a new toothbrush yesterday!) and then go to bed. After I print and practice my speech on my family! Don't let me forget to write the full-sentence outline tomorrow.
Good night friends. Sorry this is so long.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Mothers (and Fathers)
Those I love, I love fiercely. I will do anything to protect them. Once you have my trust I will be more loyal than your favorite dog. I especially feel that way towards my family. I would give up my life for my family. I'd rather be starving in freezing rain and naked than to see any of them hungry, cold and without shelter.
I felt that way about my mom. But I never thought the feelings were mutual. I didn't see that she loved me. I don't know when or exactly why I felt that way. I have some ideas, but I don't know for sure. I do know that from a little girl, I tried everything to get her attention and it continued throughout my teens and I'm sure up until she died. I was desperate for her attention and couldn't ever get it. It was always tied up in one of my siblings or another child. The few things I knew I did well at, I wanted to do them all by myself; like playing piano or driving. I did those well and didn't want any of my brothers or sisters to play piano - I wanted her to see what I could do. And driving, I remember her teaching a friend, and it made me so mad because she just sat there praising that girl for all she was worth and I never had any of it even though out of all of my driving siblings and even that girl, I was the best.
It hurt so much. It still hurts. But you know what hurts more? The knowledge that my relationship with my mom will never be right. I will always have the memories of the last few months she was alive doing nothing but arguing with her. I will never have the chance to tell her again that I love her. Never have the chance to tell her even though she couldn't see she'd hurt me that I forgave her. I will never have a chance again to show or tell my mom anything.
So I'm encouraging all of you. If you have a strained or broken relationship with anyone (mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, or friends) do all you can to make it right. You may not have that chance again.
It's Christmastime and what better gift than the gift of forgiveness and love?
I felt that way about my mom. But I never thought the feelings were mutual. I didn't see that she loved me. I don't know when or exactly why I felt that way. I have some ideas, but I don't know for sure. I do know that from a little girl, I tried everything to get her attention and it continued throughout my teens and I'm sure up until she died. I was desperate for her attention and couldn't ever get it. It was always tied up in one of my siblings or another child. The few things I knew I did well at, I wanted to do them all by myself; like playing piano or driving. I did those well and didn't want any of my brothers or sisters to play piano - I wanted her to see what I could do. And driving, I remember her teaching a friend, and it made me so mad because she just sat there praising that girl for all she was worth and I never had any of it even though out of all of my driving siblings and even that girl, I was the best.
It hurt so much. It still hurts. But you know what hurts more? The knowledge that my relationship with my mom will never be right. I will always have the memories of the last few months she was alive doing nothing but arguing with her. I will never have the chance to tell her again that I love her. Never have the chance to tell her even though she couldn't see she'd hurt me that I forgave her. I will never have a chance again to show or tell my mom anything.
So I'm encouraging all of you. If you have a strained or broken relationship with anyone (mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, or friends) do all you can to make it right. You may not have that chance again.
It's Christmastime and what better gift than the gift of forgiveness and love?
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