God has given me an unquenchable desire to see other girls (men too) remain pure. I have a passion for purity. Because of this passion and because I hope to spare others from the same pain I've endured I started a girls book discussion group (later to be named WOP i.e. Women of Purity).
I invited my favorite girlfriends (over the age of 21) to join me every Thursday night at 9pm at Starbucks to discuss the book Emotional Purity. We read three chapters of the book each week and then met together to talk about the book and anything else relating to being pure before the Lord.
I have grown so much in my walk with the Lord through leading these amazing girls. I have been convicted (no longer have an "exception guy") and challenged (to reveal the idols in my own heart) and loved.
My challenge to you is to start your own book discussion club. Call it WOP if you want! :) But emotional purity is not preached within our churches. We talk about physical purity (which is good) but if we get down to business and face the facts: physical impurity happens when there is an emotional connection.
Wake up people! If we need to start living radical lives for Christ. We are supposed to be like a city on a hill whose light cannot be hidden. If we were truly honest we'd admit that our "christian" lifestyles are not any different than nonbelievers.
Somethings gotta give. And it won't give unless you give it a push or a shove. Push and shove your own idols (idols being anything that brings you pleasure or happiness that causes you to sin or anything you are willing to sin in order to have) out of your life. Press forward to the goal of being more and more like Christ.
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Brownie Pancakes
It hit me tonight that I was being really selfish concerning my relationship with the Lord. I had gotten to the point that I wasn't sure if I even cared about my relationship with Father Love. Because what had He done for me? Nothing. I was only mad because I didn't have a guy. But I don't even want a guy (except for one reason and that isn't a good one).
So I broke down and cried. I do care about my relationship with my Lord and Savior. I'm tired of being selfish and prideful and lying to myself (He has done sooo much more for me than I deserve).
I hope this rebellious season is over. It's exhausting living for your own desires.
Dad asked me tonight if RG read my blog. Good night. I hope not. I don't think he does. But it would be interesting if he did.
He has a kitten hanging around his house. Which is really funny to me because he doesn't like cats. I was holding the kitten and he asked me what I was going to name it. I told him if I named it he would have to keep it... he didn't agree. But I said I would name it Robert. hahaha!! I thought that was really clever. But it turns out Robert is a girl so it's now Roberta. *grins*
That reminds me. I need to bathe Sheba. She is so nasty. She is white... well, she's suppose to be white, but she's a grayish/brown color.
I made brownie batter pancakes today. They were like flat, round brownies. The boys loved them. No, I didn't let them have syrup. They didn't need it. They were worried about getting in trouble for eating brownie pancakes though. I laughed at them! Ha! I've given them ice-cream for breakfast before. Surely brownie pancakes aren't any worse! And I cooked scrambled eggs to go with it. So they had something healthy. :)
I've been buying a Sunday paper every week. For the coupons. I have been saving quite a bit on groceries doing this. I need to cut out the coupons and organize them. But buying groceries is so much more rewarding when you save money doing it. Makes my heart happy.
Well, good night friends. I need some sleep. I'm getting up by at least 8am today because I need to paint. I slept until 11:40 this morning and the only reason I woke up was because the house phone rang and it was in my room. I could have thrown that phone to China it made me so mad. And then I was really surprised when I saw what time it was. Anyways... I do need to paint tomorrow and I need sleep before doing that. So good night.
So I broke down and cried. I do care about my relationship with my Lord and Savior. I'm tired of being selfish and prideful and lying to myself (He has done sooo much more for me than I deserve).
I hope this rebellious season is over. It's exhausting living for your own desires.
Dad asked me tonight if RG read my blog. Good night. I hope not. I don't think he does. But it would be interesting if he did.
He has a kitten hanging around his house. Which is really funny to me because he doesn't like cats. I was holding the kitten and he asked me what I was going to name it. I told him if I named it he would have to keep it... he didn't agree. But I said I would name it Robert. hahaha!! I thought that was really clever. But it turns out Robert is a girl so it's now Roberta. *grins*
That reminds me. I need to bathe Sheba. She is so nasty. She is white... well, she's suppose to be white, but she's a grayish/brown color.
I made brownie batter pancakes today. They were like flat, round brownies. The boys loved them. No, I didn't let them have syrup. They didn't need it. They were worried about getting in trouble for eating brownie pancakes though. I laughed at them! Ha! I've given them ice-cream for breakfast before. Surely brownie pancakes aren't any worse! And I cooked scrambled eggs to go with it. So they had something healthy. :)
I've been buying a Sunday paper every week. For the coupons. I have been saving quite a bit on groceries doing this. I need to cut out the coupons and organize them. But buying groceries is so much more rewarding when you save money doing it. Makes my heart happy.
Well, good night friends. I need some sleep. I'm getting up by at least 8am today because I need to paint. I slept until 11:40 this morning and the only reason I woke up was because the house phone rang and it was in my room. I could have thrown that phone to China it made me so mad. And then I was really surprised when I saw what time it was. Anyways... I do need to paint tomorrow and I need sleep before doing that. So good night.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
So you know that whole self-fulfilling prophecy thing? I feel like that is my life.
A friend once told me that you can't help who you are attracted to or who you will or won't like. My friend says you can't control your emotions. I used to disagree with him. But I am finding more and more that it is a bit true.
What happened with CoolGuy? Nothing. After my Hate in Many Forms post we continued "talking" for a week. I kept going back and forth over whether or not I was really interested in him. It was like one day I'd totally be into him and the next I didn't even want to talk to him because I knew it would only lead him on. I told him the next Friday exactly what I just told you (well, it was a little nicer, I think). I didn't want to beat around the bush and leave him confused.
That week though I spent time with a guy that I have always been attracted to, and if it wasn't for a girl he is "talking" to, I'd like him. The worse part about it is that I don't even think she is really serious.... I mean, maybe she is. I don't know. I do know that while I love her as a friend I also doubt her in this area. To be honest, I really wish she wasn't in the picture.
I feel like I have good control over my emotions right now, but who knows how long that will last. As my friend Reid told me his parents told him "Especially in matters of the heart, do your best not to get drunk on your emotions." I love this quote because it puts emotional purity into words I can really understand. Not that I've ever been drunk.... :) But I understand because I can see how easy it is to become drunk on emotions. That is what I'm trying to avoid.
He hangs out with my family; I love that he is comfortable and even likes hanging with them. It makes my heart melt a little.
And if the mountain of laundry scares/bothers him, he hasn't said anything. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that.
He is funny and sweet; he holds open doors; he isn't a picky eater (I really like that in a guy); and I think he is drop-dead gorgeous.
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I hate emotions. I don't really care for guys (in general) right now. And I really don't even like myself at the moment.
I'll probably hear about this from my dad and I'm prepared to live with that. But this is my blog so I can write about whatever I want.
A friend once told me that you can't help who you are attracted to or who you will or won't like. My friend says you can't control your emotions. I used to disagree with him. But I am finding more and more that it is a bit true.
What happened with CoolGuy? Nothing. After my Hate in Many Forms post we continued "talking" for a week. I kept going back and forth over whether or not I was really interested in him. It was like one day I'd totally be into him and the next I didn't even want to talk to him because I knew it would only lead him on. I told him the next Friday exactly what I just told you (well, it was a little nicer, I think). I didn't want to beat around the bush and leave him confused.
That week though I spent time with a guy that I have always been attracted to, and if it wasn't for a girl he is "talking" to, I'd like him. The worse part about it is that I don't even think she is really serious.... I mean, maybe she is. I don't know. I do know that while I love her as a friend I also doubt her in this area. To be honest, I really wish she wasn't in the picture.
I feel like I have good control over my emotions right now, but who knows how long that will last. As my friend Reid told me his parents told him "Especially in matters of the heart, do your best not to get drunk on your emotions." I love this quote because it puts emotional purity into words I can really understand. Not that I've ever been drunk.... :) But I understand because I can see how easy it is to become drunk on emotions. That is what I'm trying to avoid.
He hangs out with my family; I love that he is comfortable and even likes hanging with them. It makes my heart melt a little.
And if the mountain of laundry scares/bothers him, he hasn't said anything. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that.
He is funny and sweet; he holds open doors; he isn't a picky eater (I really like that in a guy); and I think he is drop-dead gorgeous.
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I hate emotions. I don't really care for guys (in general) right now. And I really don't even like myself at the moment.
I'll probably hear about this from my dad and I'm prepared to live with that. But this is my blog so I can write about whatever I want.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Hate in Many Forms
I hate today. For one, it's Mother's Day and I hate Mother's Day. Right now it only reminds me of the fact that I don't have a mom. And, please, do not bring up rejoicing with others, because I don't want to rejoice with them today. Today I just want to be mad.
My entire family reads my blog. I know this and sometimes it makes it hard to blog because then stuff I write either gets discussed or I get lectured. To be honest, I've thought about starting a new blog... and not giving it to anyone.
Do I always make the right choices? No. In fact, 99.9% of the time I make the definite wrong choice. And when it comes to guys I seem to ALWAYS make the wrong decision. I don't know what to do. It is so hard being a girl and being very easily driven by emotion. I hate it. Reason two I hate today.
I have so many issues. But so many I've worked through by God's grace. Through Christ my mindset and how I believed has changed so much that it's a miracle. If Bethany would comment she could tell you it's true. Especially when it comes to guys. Oh my goodness. I can't even begin to tell you how much.
The fact that my dad thinks I'm chasing/jumping from guy to guy hurts like the dickens right now.
A month ago, I had a guy that I liked beyond belief (6 or 7 years ago) tell me that he liked me. I let my emotions get ahead of everything else. I was excited. I had a date with him planned without praying or even thinking about what I was doing. Then two days later he said he didn't like me that way. I was hurt and confused. Nothing like being rejected.
But he and I talked it out. I had wondered if something had been said (late at night) that didn't need to be said. Turns out I was right. We are still friends and talk occasionally.
Then, CoolGuy, tells me who he is. Lame as this may sound, and it may not make any sense, I had been "interested" in CoolGuy from the comments he left on my blog. But I didn't really want to "like" him since I didn't know who he was and there were some guys at that BCM who were definite no's.
Since finding out who CoolGuy is, he and I have been talking over email and text messages. I don't really know him, but I'm interested in getting to know him better.
I am in the middle of a fast and I told him no talk about relationships of any kind until it was over. He was fine with that and our conversations have been about grape juice, dogs vs. cats, what we are doing that day, our families. In my mind, harmless stuff to be talking about.
I realize that I jumped the gun with (we'll call him George; that's what I name spiders that show up in my room) George. I didn't want to repeat that again. So I have been very careful with what I've said to CoolGuy. I have even been careful about how much of my emotions I'm letting out.
Of course, that is a struggle, because sometimes I can't tell when I'm hiding my emotions or when I'm ignoring them or what! It's soooo frustrating!
I never felt like I had my mom's approval. The desire to have my dad's has doubled since she passed because she isn't here and I NEED it from my dad. Since I don't have it I really want to tell CoolGuy that I can't talk to him anymore. But another side of me doesn't want to do that. I want to tell him that we can't talk until my dad realizes that I'm not jumping from guy to guy. Will that ever happen? I don't know. But I can't do this. I don't know what to do about this. I have the email typed and ready to send to CoolGuy telling him I can't talk to him.... but I really don't want to send it.
Bethany told me to chill out. I hate it when she says that. She is not kind or compassionate when I am hurting... at least it feels that way.
Here is what people don't seem to understand. I may be a fickled, emotional girl, but when I enter a relationship it will be for life. I have no desire or plan to date casually. I don't even want to do the whole, "Hey, let's go on two dates and see if it works". I'm so loyal that it will never be less than forever. Even though I've never been in a relationship I know this is true. I know it because I am so loyal and protective of my family and close friends.
And that is why I'm being (well, I thought I was) so careful. I hate making mistakes. George was a mistake and I have no desire to repeat it. That is why I'm so unsure about what to do to get my Dad to see that I am trying to be very cautious with CoolGuy.
I'm going to get something to eat. Then I'll be back to blog about the stuff I've been painting.
My entire family reads my blog. I know this and sometimes it makes it hard to blog because then stuff I write either gets discussed or I get lectured. To be honest, I've thought about starting a new blog... and not giving it to anyone.
Do I always make the right choices? No. In fact, 99.9% of the time I make the definite wrong choice. And when it comes to guys I seem to ALWAYS make the wrong decision. I don't know what to do. It is so hard being a girl and being very easily driven by emotion. I hate it. Reason two I hate today.
I have so many issues. But so many I've worked through by God's grace. Through Christ my mindset and how I believed has changed so much that it's a miracle. If Bethany would comment she could tell you it's true. Especially when it comes to guys. Oh my goodness. I can't even begin to tell you how much.
The fact that my dad thinks I'm chasing/jumping from guy to guy hurts like the dickens right now.
A month ago, I had a guy that I liked beyond belief (6 or 7 years ago) tell me that he liked me. I let my emotions get ahead of everything else. I was excited. I had a date with him planned without praying or even thinking about what I was doing. Then two days later he said he didn't like me that way. I was hurt and confused. Nothing like being rejected.
But he and I talked it out. I had wondered if something had been said (late at night) that didn't need to be said. Turns out I was right. We are still friends and talk occasionally.
Then, CoolGuy, tells me who he is. Lame as this may sound, and it may not make any sense, I had been "interested" in CoolGuy from the comments he left on my blog. But I didn't really want to "like" him since I didn't know who he was and there were some guys at that BCM who were definite no's.
Since finding out who CoolGuy is, he and I have been talking over email and text messages. I don't really know him, but I'm interested in getting to know him better.
I am in the middle of a fast and I told him no talk about relationships of any kind until it was over. He was fine with that and our conversations have been about grape juice, dogs vs. cats, what we are doing that day, our families. In my mind, harmless stuff to be talking about.
I realize that I jumped the gun with (we'll call him George; that's what I name spiders that show up in my room) George. I didn't want to repeat that again. So I have been very careful with what I've said to CoolGuy. I have even been careful about how much of my emotions I'm letting out.
Of course, that is a struggle, because sometimes I can't tell when I'm hiding my emotions or when I'm ignoring them or what! It's soooo frustrating!
I never felt like I had my mom's approval. The desire to have my dad's has doubled since she passed because she isn't here and I NEED it from my dad. Since I don't have it I really want to tell CoolGuy that I can't talk to him anymore. But another side of me doesn't want to do that. I want to tell him that we can't talk until my dad realizes that I'm not jumping from guy to guy. Will that ever happen? I don't know. But I can't do this. I don't know what to do about this. I have the email typed and ready to send to CoolGuy telling him I can't talk to him.... but I really don't want to send it.
Bethany told me to chill out. I hate it when she says that. She is not kind or compassionate when I am hurting... at least it feels that way.
Here is what people don't seem to understand. I may be a fickled, emotional girl, but when I enter a relationship it will be for life. I have no desire or plan to date casually. I don't even want to do the whole, "Hey, let's go on two dates and see if it works". I'm so loyal that it will never be less than forever. Even though I've never been in a relationship I know this is true. I know it because I am so loyal and protective of my family and close friends.
And that is why I'm being (well, I thought I was) so careful. I hate making mistakes. George was a mistake and I have no desire to repeat it. That is why I'm so unsure about what to do to get my Dad to see that I am trying to be very cautious with CoolGuy.
I'm going to get something to eat. Then I'll be back to blog about the stuff I've been painting.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Men + Stupidity = Jerks
I feel like crap. I can't believe I fell for it. I mean seriously. I have only ever attracted man-ho's so why should I think this would be real?
I feel worthless. unworthy. unwanted. ugly.
I'm not blaming him. I'm not mad at him. I don't understand him. Part of me wonders if it's because he thinks I'm too good. I don't know.
Can I just say that I'm glad he feels like a jerk? Because I am. I'm very glad.
Good night. Guys. Don't be stupid. If you truly only like a girl as a friend don't tell her something that will make her think differently.
Maybe I was wrong. I could see and hear how insecure he felt and I just wanted to help build his self-esteem.
I'm going to work on not being so nice. I feel walls being built. I will be on guard even more.
Maybe I'm a bit mad. But I think at myself and the male species in general more than him.
I'm going to pamper myself. My feet could use a good soak. And I might take a shower. I went for a bike ride earlier and I stink. I'm just worried about my hair looking crazy tomorrow morning when I get up for class. Alright. I'm out. I feel exhausted. I hope you guys are having a better week than I am. Encouragement in any form would be greatly appreciated.
I feel worthless. unworthy. unwanted. ugly.
I'm not blaming him. I'm not mad at him. I don't understand him. Part of me wonders if it's because he thinks I'm too good. I don't know.
Can I just say that I'm glad he feels like a jerk? Because I am. I'm very glad.
Good night. Guys. Don't be stupid. If you truly only like a girl as a friend don't tell her something that will make her think differently.
Maybe I was wrong. I could see and hear how insecure he felt and I just wanted to help build his self-esteem.
I'm going to work on not being so nice. I feel walls being built. I will be on guard even more.
Maybe I'm a bit mad. But I think at myself and the male species in general more than him.
I'm going to pamper myself. My feet could use a good soak. And I might take a shower. I went for a bike ride earlier and I stink. I'm just worried about my hair looking crazy tomorrow morning when I get up for class. Alright. I'm out. I feel exhausted. I hope you guys are having a better week than I am. Encouragement in any form would be greatly appreciated.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Are You a Man or a Mouse?
In response to CoolGuy's question about God bring your mate vs. guys pursing girls... hold on. Let me reread so I remember exactly what I'm answering!
Personally, I think the idea of God bringing your mate to you while you sit around doing nothing is stupid. I'm not saying it can't happen that way (because it most certainly can; God can do anything He wants) but what I am saying is by saying and believing that it takes all responsibility away from the guy to actually do something. I'm going to be addressing guys because they are the ones that are supposed to start the relationship.
Let's go back to where this line of thinking started (this is always the scripture people use to back up this nonsense). Please open your Bible to Genesis 24. This is about Isaac and Rebekah. Two problems I immediately see with using this story to back up "waiting around".
1. Abraham decides when Isaac will marry.
2. Neither Isaac or Rebekah know who they are marrying... they just know they are getting married.
Okay. So clearly guys who agree with this "God will bring my future mate to me. I just have to wait on Him" stuff either haven't thought about it much at all or they just really want their daddy picking out their wife.
From what I know (which I admit is precious little) arranged marriages were how marriage was "done" in Biblical times. The Father chose the bride for the groom. The fathers of the bride and the groom got together to talk about it. They either decide they want to go ahead with the marriage or they chose not to. The fathers arranged the marriage.
That has nothing to do with you sitting on your butt waiting for God to bring you a wife.
Secondly, very few marriages that start with the couple barely knowing each other actually last. Yes, some arranged, "wouldn't know you if I passed you on the street" marriages do work. But are they best? Is that what you want in a marriage (going based on this scripture!)?
The story of how God brings Isaac and Rebekah is no doubt a beautiful story. But I think it's incredibly lame to use that as an excuse not to search for your future wife.
Let me turn you to Proverbs. Let's see... there are so many good ones. But let's start with the most obvious. Proverbs 18:22 "He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord."
Wow. Did you catch that one word? FINDS. How do you find things? You search for them!
Turn to Proverbs 25:2 "It is the glory of God to conceal a matter, but the glory of kings is to search out a matter."
Is having a wife of importance to you? Then search it out! God in His amazing glory has concealed and it is your glory to search for Him and your future wife.
Now on Proverbs 31:10 "Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies."
Once again we have the word find. Finding... searching... finding... Hello! Do we see what is going on here?! It's a call for guys to search. To find the one they've been waiting for. If you don't search and pursue how will you find and catch?! When you do find your woman you are going to have to pursue and capture her heart so get a head start and find her already!
Seek the Lord with all of your heart, mind and soul. Seek your wife by searching out God and His desires for your life. Keep your heart and eyes wide open. You never know where you might meet her and you certainly don't want to be sitting around doing nothing while some other guy comes around and swoops her off like a chickenhawk! Macocoo take me away! (those of you who have seen the Pirate will appreciate that!)
Seriously guys. There is call for you to search, to find and to pursue. There are so many girls waiting for guys to step up and be men. Don't assume you know what will happen when you don't. You don't hold the future. The Lord does. So don't live in fear! Get out there and be a man! Please stop being mice.
Personally, I think the idea of God bringing your mate to you while you sit around doing nothing is stupid. I'm not saying it can't happen that way (because it most certainly can; God can do anything He wants) but what I am saying is by saying and believing that it takes all responsibility away from the guy to actually do something. I'm going to be addressing guys because they are the ones that are supposed to start the relationship.
Let's go back to where this line of thinking started (this is always the scripture people use to back up this nonsense). Please open your Bible to Genesis 24. This is about Isaac and Rebekah. Two problems I immediately see with using this story to back up "waiting around".
1. Abraham decides when Isaac will marry.
2. Neither Isaac or Rebekah know who they are marrying... they just know they are getting married.
Okay. So clearly guys who agree with this "God will bring my future mate to me. I just have to wait on Him" stuff either haven't thought about it much at all or they just really want their daddy picking out their wife.
From what I know (which I admit is precious little) arranged marriages were how marriage was "done" in Biblical times. The Father chose the bride for the groom. The fathers of the bride and the groom got together to talk about it. They either decide they want to go ahead with the marriage or they chose not to. The fathers arranged the marriage.
That has nothing to do with you sitting on your butt waiting for God to bring you a wife.
Secondly, very few marriages that start with the couple barely knowing each other actually last. Yes, some arranged, "wouldn't know you if I passed you on the street" marriages do work. But are they best? Is that what you want in a marriage (going based on this scripture!)?
The story of how God brings Isaac and Rebekah is no doubt a beautiful story. But I think it's incredibly lame to use that as an excuse not to search for your future wife.
Let me turn you to Proverbs. Let's see... there are so many good ones. But let's start with the most obvious. Proverbs 18:22 "He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord."
Wow. Did you catch that one word? FINDS. How do you find things? You search for them!
Turn to Proverbs 25:2 "It is the glory of God to conceal a matter, but the glory of kings is to search out a matter."
Is having a wife of importance to you? Then search it out! God in His amazing glory has concealed and it is your glory to search for Him and your future wife.
Now on Proverbs 31:10 "Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies."
Once again we have the word find. Finding... searching... finding... Hello! Do we see what is going on here?! It's a call for guys to search. To find the one they've been waiting for. If you don't search and pursue how will you find and catch?! When you do find your woman you are going to have to pursue and capture her heart so get a head start and find her already!
Seek the Lord with all of your heart, mind and soul. Seek your wife by searching out God and His desires for your life. Keep your heart and eyes wide open. You never know where you might meet her and you certainly don't want to be sitting around doing nothing while some other guy comes around and swoops her off like a chickenhawk! Macocoo take me away! (those of you who have seen the Pirate will appreciate that!)
Seriously guys. There is call for you to search, to find and to pursue. There are so many girls waiting for guys to step up and be men. Don't assume you know what will happen when you don't. You don't hold the future. The Lord does. So don't live in fear! Get out there and be a man! Please stop being mice.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Makes My Heart Melt
I'm not used to not having a comment from CoolGuy when I get up in the morning... so it was very disappointing this morning when I checked my email and didn't have one. That's a hint! lol ;)
I'm doing a speech on Raw Milk vs. Pasteurized Milk and have decided to cut all dairy out of my diet. My family eats a lot of dairy. So for lunch I'm eating oatmeal with peanut butter, raisins and raw almonds. And then I have some raisins, almonds and peanut butter on a plate. It's not that good but it's what I'm eating. My siblings are afraid I'm going to make them starve. Of course, I'm not going to do that. I'm just cutting it out of my personal diet. So unless it's certified organic (raw) milk/dairy products I'm not going to eat or drink it.
Tonight I am going to hang out with a bunch of Libertarians. Trying to put myself in more social circles than what I'm currently in.... It should be interesting. I'm excited about it.
Well, I need to finish lunch (ha! I don't even know if you could call it lunch... it wasn't very filling... I'm going to have to work on that if I'm going to keep eating this way... which I am going to continue.) and then start some research for my English essay. The first draft is due tomorrow and while I've got that completed I would like to add a few more things.
Oh! But wait! I've been listening to quite a bit of country music lately. Have you guys heard the latest from the Zac Brown Band Whatever It Is?! I love this song. Read the lyrics. I have a favorite part.
She's got eyes that cut you like a
knife and
lips that taste like sweet red wine
And pretty legs go to heaven every time
She got a gentle way that puts me at ease
When she walks in the room I can hardly breathe
Got a devastating smile knock a grown man to his knees
She's got whatever it is
It blows me away
She's everything I wanted to say to a woman
but couldn't find the words to say
She's got whatever it is
I don't know what to do
Because every time I try and tell her how I feel
it comes out "I love you"
You got whatever it is
You know I've never been the type that would ever want to
stay
Bring 'em home at night and they're gone the next day
But that all changed when she walked into my life
People ask me what it is
I tell them I don't know
Just something about the woman makes my heart go haywire
She's gonna be my wife
She's got whatever it is
It blows me away
She's everything I wanted to say to a woman
but couldn't find the words to say
She's got whatever it is
I don't know what to do
Because every time I try and tell her how I feel
it comes out "I love you"
You got whatever it is
When she loves me
Girl that's how I feel
When she loves me I'm on top of the world
Because when she loves me I can live forever
When she loves me I am untouchable
She's got whatever it is
It blows me away
She's everything I wanted to say to a woman
but couldn't find the words to say
She's got whatever it is
I don't know what to do
Because every time I try and tell her how I feel
it comes out "I love you"
You got whatever it is
Okay so the last bridge (I think that's what music savvy people call it) is my favorite part. I want my husband to feel like he is untouchable because I am by his side. That part makes my heart melt! I am such a romantic! haha!
I'm doing a speech on Raw Milk vs. Pasteurized Milk and have decided to cut all dairy out of my diet. My family eats a lot of dairy. So for lunch I'm eating oatmeal with peanut butter, raisins and raw almonds. And then I have some raisins, almonds and peanut butter on a plate. It's not that good but it's what I'm eating. My siblings are afraid I'm going to make them starve. Of course, I'm not going to do that. I'm just cutting it out of my personal diet. So unless it's certified organic (raw) milk/dairy products I'm not going to eat or drink it.
Tonight I am going to hang out with a bunch of Libertarians. Trying to put myself in more social circles than what I'm currently in.... It should be interesting. I'm excited about it.
Well, I need to finish lunch (ha! I don't even know if you could call it lunch... it wasn't very filling... I'm going to have to work on that if I'm going to keep eating this way... which I am going to continue.) and then start some research for my English essay. The first draft is due tomorrow and while I've got that completed I would like to add a few more things.
Oh! But wait! I've been listening to quite a bit of country music lately. Have you guys heard the latest from the Zac Brown Band Whatever It Is?! I love this song. Read the lyrics. I have a favorite part.
She's got eyes that cut you like a
knife and
lips that taste like sweet red wine
And pretty legs go to heaven every time
She got a gentle way that puts me at ease
When she walks in the room I can hardly breathe
Got a devastating smile knock a grown man to his knees
She's got whatever it is
It blows me away
She's everything I wanted to say to a woman
but couldn't find the words to say
She's got whatever it is
I don't know what to do
Because every time I try and tell her how I feel
it comes out "I love you"
You got whatever it is
You know I've never been the type that would ever want to
stay
Bring 'em home at night and they're gone the next day
But that all changed when she walked into my life
People ask me what it is
I tell them I don't know
Just something about the woman makes my heart go haywire
She's gonna be my wife
She's got whatever it is
It blows me away
She's everything I wanted to say to a woman
but couldn't find the words to say
She's got whatever it is
I don't know what to do
Because every time I try and tell her how I feel
it comes out "I love you"
You got whatever it is
When she loves me
Girl that's how I feel
When she loves me I'm on top of the world
Because when she loves me I can live forever
When she loves me I am untouchable
She's got whatever it is
It blows me away
She's everything I wanted to say to a woman
but couldn't find the words to say
She's got whatever it is
I don't know what to do
Because every time I try and tell her how I feel
it comes out "I love you"
You got whatever it is
Okay so the last bridge (I think that's what music savvy people call it) is my favorite part. I want my husband to feel like he is untouchable because I am by his side. That part makes my heart melt! I am such a romantic! haha!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Master of.... Exhaustion, Masking, and Losing
Yep. That would be me. I am constantly tired thus the Master of Exhaustion. I don't get enough sleep, I run ALL day every day. I feel like my week ran into my weekend which then ran into my week and I didn't even have a break last weekend.
Whether it's family, college, Pampered Chef, trying to have a social life, etc, I can't seem to find enough time to be still. To rest. To pause life and forget about everything. I don't even do that in my sleep. I woke up last night at 4:30am thinking it was time for school. I went back to bed!
I'm tired of playing the balancing game and I'm so ready to drop something, but I can't drop any of it. It's all too important to me and my future. I'm not trying to sound like a whiny baby I just to release and right now my blog is a form of release.
I'm trying to read the Word every day. I'm doing better. My Sunday School teacher challenged me to pray every day for 40 days that God would show me He loves me. I know He does, but right now I feel so weak and used, I just need to hear Him say it or to show me. I've been looking and listening.
I love the moon. With a passion. I think it is the most amazing, awesome, incredible thing ever. It's round with dents and craters; it's not perfect. Sometimes it's orange or red; other nights it's silver and gray and just plain beautiful. I love the moon. This morning I was about to turn out of my driveway and I looked down the opposite road and guess what I saw? All big, bright and orange? The moon. I almost started crying. It was a gift of love from my Father Love.
It's almost that time... and I haven't been this emotional in a lllllooooonnnnnnggggggg time. I cry over everything. It's irritating and I am so ready to have a big cry and be over with it!
You called. You made me cry. I think you are slowly breaking my heart. I hope you don't read my blog. :)
I've realized that I am the Master of Masking... my emotions. I won't even realize I'm feeling a certain way until I'm at the breaking point. It's horrible and I'm not sure how to deal with it. You know, how to stop masking and starting dealing with my emotions. Writing my essay and then dealing with my grandfather's funeral made me come face to face with this realization. The week leading up to Pop-Pop's funeral I felt nothing. Friday, two hours before the visitation, I was about to completely lose it. I was trying not to cry and it wasn't really working.
Then reading my essay I remembered where I've been and what has happened in my past that has made me the Master of Masking. You try being strong for everyone you (family, close friends and also not so close friends) know for 6 plus years and you will become a Master of Masking too. I'm tired of masking and I'm a bit tired of being strong.
I lost everything I've worked on today. College papers, speeches, study guides, Pampered Chef downloads, and so much more. I had a virus on my computer and the Tech guys said since my computer wasn't responding to anything I needed to restore my drive to where it was when I received the computer. Back to nothing. I was crushed. I couldn't believe it. I was already feeling weight of the world and this did not help. And wouldn't you know as soon as it was over my brothers said, I could have saved your stuff to my portable hard drive (or whatever it is).
So I guess I'm not really a Master of Losing. I just feel like one.
I'm going to bed in about 40 minutes. I've re-written my speech for Thursday (that was one of the things I'd lost!). Now I just have about 5 study guides to rewrite. I really want to ask my English Prof for copies of my essay because the only one I have is here on my blog. I want my drafts and everything.
Oh, have I told you lately that I seriously love Andy Merrick's blog? http://blog.andymerrick.com/ He is my ray of sunshine on these very cloudy days. He's so funny and I definitely need the laughs. I'm praising God for that man right now. Pray for Andy. It's his last couple days at work and then he is writing full-time! I'm so excited for him. I can't wait for his first book! It's going to be about relationships. I could use a good book on relationships right now.
Speaking of relationships, you should check out Dave Barnes new EP. I purchased it from iTunes and I love it. My favorite is Until You. I've heard the song before but now it's a love song from my Savior. I'm digging it.
Another related topic. My purity ring. I've started wearing it on my right ring finger. RG told me that until a year or so ago he didn't even know there were two separate rings for the girl (engagement ring and wedding band). I made me think that maybe guys avoid me because I've been wearing it on my left finger and they don't know if I'm in a relationship or not. I don't know if I could handle a relationship right now, but it is one of my deepest desires to be married and I don't want to scare the right guy by having a ring on my left ring finger. Am I crazy?!
I need to brush my teeth (I got a new toothbrush yesterday!) and then go to bed. After I print and practice my speech on my family! Don't let me forget to write the full-sentence outline tomorrow.
Good night friends. Sorry this is so long.
Whether it's family, college, Pampered Chef, trying to have a social life, etc, I can't seem to find enough time to be still. To rest. To pause life and forget about everything. I don't even do that in my sleep. I woke up last night at 4:30am thinking it was time for school. I went back to bed!
I'm tired of playing the balancing game and I'm so ready to drop something, but I can't drop any of it. It's all too important to me and my future. I'm not trying to sound like a whiny baby I just to release and right now my blog is a form of release.
I'm trying to read the Word every day. I'm doing better. My Sunday School teacher challenged me to pray every day for 40 days that God would show me He loves me. I know He does, but right now I feel so weak and used, I just need to hear Him say it or to show me. I've been looking and listening.
I love the moon. With a passion. I think it is the most amazing, awesome, incredible thing ever. It's round with dents and craters; it's not perfect. Sometimes it's orange or red; other nights it's silver and gray and just plain beautiful. I love the moon. This morning I was about to turn out of my driveway and I looked down the opposite road and guess what I saw? All big, bright and orange? The moon. I almost started crying. It was a gift of love from my Father Love.
It's almost that time... and I haven't been this emotional in a lllllooooonnnnnnggggggg time. I cry over everything. It's irritating and I am so ready to have a big cry and be over with it!
You called. You made me cry. I think you are slowly breaking my heart. I hope you don't read my blog. :)
I've realized that I am the Master of Masking... my emotions. I won't even realize I'm feeling a certain way until I'm at the breaking point. It's horrible and I'm not sure how to deal with it. You know, how to stop masking and starting dealing with my emotions. Writing my essay and then dealing with my grandfather's funeral made me come face to face with this realization. The week leading up to Pop-Pop's funeral I felt nothing. Friday, two hours before the visitation, I was about to completely lose it. I was trying not to cry and it wasn't really working.
Then reading my essay I remembered where I've been and what has happened in my past that has made me the Master of Masking. You try being strong for everyone you (family, close friends and also not so close friends) know for 6 plus years and you will become a Master of Masking too. I'm tired of masking and I'm a bit tired of being strong.
I lost everything I've worked on today. College papers, speeches, study guides, Pampered Chef downloads, and so much more. I had a virus on my computer and the Tech guys said since my computer wasn't responding to anything I needed to restore my drive to where it was when I received the computer. Back to nothing. I was crushed. I couldn't believe it. I was already feeling weight of the world and this did not help. And wouldn't you know as soon as it was over my brothers said, I could have saved your stuff to my portable hard drive (or whatever it is).
So I guess I'm not really a Master of Losing. I just feel like one.
I'm going to bed in about 40 minutes. I've re-written my speech for Thursday (that was one of the things I'd lost!). Now I just have about 5 study guides to rewrite. I really want to ask my English Prof for copies of my essay because the only one I have is here on my blog. I want my drafts and everything.
Oh, have I told you lately that I seriously love Andy Merrick's blog? http://blog.andymerrick.com/ He is my ray of sunshine on these very cloudy days. He's so funny and I definitely need the laughs. I'm praising God for that man right now. Pray for Andy. It's his last couple days at work and then he is writing full-time! I'm so excited for him. I can't wait for his first book! It's going to be about relationships. I could use a good book on relationships right now.
Speaking of relationships, you should check out Dave Barnes new EP. I purchased it from iTunes and I love it. My favorite is Until You. I've heard the song before but now it's a love song from my Savior. I'm digging it.
Another related topic. My purity ring. I've started wearing it on my right ring finger. RG told me that until a year or so ago he didn't even know there were two separate rings for the girl (engagement ring and wedding band). I made me think that maybe guys avoid me because I've been wearing it on my left finger and they don't know if I'm in a relationship or not. I don't know if I could handle a relationship right now, but it is one of my deepest desires to be married and I don't want to scare the right guy by having a ring on my left ring finger. Am I crazy?!
I need to brush my teeth (I got a new toothbrush yesterday!) and then go to bed. After I print and practice my speech on my family! Don't let me forget to write the full-sentence outline tomorrow.
Good night friends. Sorry this is so long.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Mothers (and Fathers)
Those I love, I love fiercely. I will do anything to protect them. Once you have my trust I will be more loyal than your favorite dog. I especially feel that way towards my family. I would give up my life for my family. I'd rather be starving in freezing rain and naked than to see any of them hungry, cold and without shelter.
I felt that way about my mom. But I never thought the feelings were mutual. I didn't see that she loved me. I don't know when or exactly why I felt that way. I have some ideas, but I don't know for sure. I do know that from a little girl, I tried everything to get her attention and it continued throughout my teens and I'm sure up until she died. I was desperate for her attention and couldn't ever get it. It was always tied up in one of my siblings or another child. The few things I knew I did well at, I wanted to do them all by myself; like playing piano or driving. I did those well and didn't want any of my brothers or sisters to play piano - I wanted her to see what I could do. And driving, I remember her teaching a friend, and it made me so mad because she just sat there praising that girl for all she was worth and I never had any of it even though out of all of my driving siblings and even that girl, I was the best.
It hurt so much. It still hurts. But you know what hurts more? The knowledge that my relationship with my mom will never be right. I will always have the memories of the last few months she was alive doing nothing but arguing with her. I will never have the chance to tell her again that I love her. Never have the chance to tell her even though she couldn't see she'd hurt me that I forgave her. I will never have a chance again to show or tell my mom anything.
So I'm encouraging all of you. If you have a strained or broken relationship with anyone (mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, or friends) do all you can to make it right. You may not have that chance again.
It's Christmastime and what better gift than the gift of forgiveness and love?
I felt that way about my mom. But I never thought the feelings were mutual. I didn't see that she loved me. I don't know when or exactly why I felt that way. I have some ideas, but I don't know for sure. I do know that from a little girl, I tried everything to get her attention and it continued throughout my teens and I'm sure up until she died. I was desperate for her attention and couldn't ever get it. It was always tied up in one of my siblings or another child. The few things I knew I did well at, I wanted to do them all by myself; like playing piano or driving. I did those well and didn't want any of my brothers or sisters to play piano - I wanted her to see what I could do. And driving, I remember her teaching a friend, and it made me so mad because she just sat there praising that girl for all she was worth and I never had any of it even though out of all of my driving siblings and even that girl, I was the best.
It hurt so much. It still hurts. But you know what hurts more? The knowledge that my relationship with my mom will never be right. I will always have the memories of the last few months she was alive doing nothing but arguing with her. I will never have the chance to tell her again that I love her. Never have the chance to tell her even though she couldn't see she'd hurt me that I forgave her. I will never have a chance again to show or tell my mom anything.
So I'm encouraging all of you. If you have a strained or broken relationship with anyone (mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, or friends) do all you can to make it right. You may not have that chance again.
It's Christmastime and what better gift than the gift of forgiveness and love?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)