The Glory of Deceit

When I have no new books and I rarely ever reread a book, I write. And I'm not talking about blogs. I mean, I write blogs. But I’m talking about writing fiction. I figure I have a good imagination and surely I can come up with a good story. I'm on my third page. I started this afternoon. I love reading. I love writing. And no, I won't share. :)
It is my dream to be able to write a story about my life under a different name of course. But to be able to express how I feel about some people and be paid for it would be amazing. Gossip sells and my life could be summed up as a soap opera so I have no doubts as to whether or not it would be published. I do have doubts about whether or not people would read it and figure out who is who. Then I would have a big mess... mainly because there are so many people I don't care for. I can think of several right now. All girls. What does that tell you? Oh well I've always liked the male gender better. They are less complicated when it comes to dealing with life. That doesn't make the male population any less confusing to be sure so don't get that mixed up.

My Mother was an amazing woman. Yes, I struggled with my relationship with her, but that doesn't change the fact that I admired, respected and adored her. I can't help but despise the fact that Sybol Allen is not known and will not be known to a certain someone. And no one cares. But I do and I hate it. I don't even want to look at, or speak to that person. There is no respect. And the lies that have made this event come about do nothing to encourage compassion within my heart. Not that I'm a very compassionate person as it is (I know this to be very true so don't even try to say otherwise), but this makes me want to harden my heart towards you. You don't deserve it.

I know what you are thinking at this point Dad. But please remember this is my blog, my opinions and all I ask is that you don't make decisions based on my feelings.

Anna seems to think I have a Mr. Darcy in my life. It's absurd. She thinks it's RG. I told her my life is not based on a book, or a movie. As I have told several people in the last couple weeks, I wouldn't date him if he was the last guy on earth. He's stuck up, self-centered, and has a fear of commitment. And I do laugh at him. He is far from perfect, girls and, it's high time someone of the female gender realized this fact. This is sounding a bit like Elizabeth's opinions of Mr. Darcy isn't it? Who cares? While we're talking about all the things I don't like about RG (you guys do know how much I adore him so just let me have my say and we'll be done with it). I don't like that he is only attracted to far too skinny blond-headed girls and he has a whole slew of girls that fit that description who are fans of his. It disgusts me. I promise I have a whole list in the back of my head of things I don't like about him, but right now that is the only thing I can remember and it's not even completely accurate because he wasn't attracted to the Bobbsey Twins (the actual Bobbsey twin characters were, by the way, male and female unlike the twins I'm talking about).
Anyways, RG is the one friend I can have a conversation with on the phone and it's not weird nor do I dread it. Of course that's probably only because we don't ever talk more than 10-15 minutes and those are the kinds of phone calls I like: short, sweet and to the point. But then we cover a large range of topics too. In person, I try not to talk to him too much. I'm too comfortable around him. I don't care what he thinks and that gets me in trouble (with myself) at times.
I keep trying to think of girls that I approve of to set him up with, but his biggest fault is being a pecan farmer in South GA. What girl is going to want to live here for the rest of her life? I don’t know of any.
Oh, the other big thing I don't like about him is that he doesn’t come to church consistently. I don't understand that. If I don't go to church it's because I don't want too and that isn't very often. But he goes off for what? It's always something valid. It irritates me.
And I don't understand why he didn't tell. Wait, I do know. He forgot. I felt like his secretary today making phone calls so people would know that we are going to watch a movie instead of having the Bible study. Perhaps I should have left it that way and it would have been a very awkward night with just the two of us. Ha! Not really, there is no being awkward with RG. I am rambling. And I have far too many paragraphs about him. Just pray he lets me drive his truck. That will be the highlight of my week! I love his truck (just between you and me that is the only reason I'm his friend).

Josh Bales. Yes, let's talk about another guy. The concert is happening. I had a ten minute conversation with Josh on Thursday. We are both super excited about it. He is going to call me a couple weeks ahead of time and set the date then. RG told me today that whatever day I chose is good for him. Isn't he sweet? *yes, that was a bit of sarcasm* Actually, I was very thankful for that. I mean, he is going to be right in the middle of harvest and that would be so confusing to go between him and Josh over and over to get a good day. Be expecting more details soon.

I need to go to bed. I'm feeling rather ill emotionally and mentally. Do you know what I have realized about myself? Several things actually. One, I'm an emotional drinker. I drink coke when I don't want to deal with life or whatever is being thrown my way. At least it's not beer right?! Second, I don't need a man. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I only want a man for one reason and it isn't a good one. As Carrie told me the other day, "That's your problem!" We both started laughing. I realize it really is a problem. But I don't know how to fix it. I've never *needed* anyone or that's the lie I've told myself and I seem to be doing pretty well at this point, so I don't see a need to change. I guess deep down, I'm asking for prayer. I don't even know at this point.

Of course, if I was telling myself and you the truth it would read a bit more like this: I do need people. I need my family. I need friends. I need to be taken care of. But I hate feeling like I need something. I don't like dependent upon others. So it's easier to ignore these stupid feelings of needing.

But we aren't dealing with the truth. We are dealing with lies. And right now I like the lies better than I like the truth. Again, the lie that it hurts less to need less is sounding pretty good.

Good night friends.

Hate in Many Forms

I hate today. For one, it's Mother's Day and I hate Mother's Day. Right now it only reminds me of the fact that I don't have a mom. And, please, do not bring up rejoicing with others, because I don't want to rejoice with them today. Today I just want to be mad.

My entire family reads my blog. I know this and sometimes it makes it hard to blog because then stuff I write either gets discussed or I get lectured. To be honest, I've thought about starting a new blog... and not giving it to anyone.

Do I always make the right choices? No. In fact, 99.9% of the time I make the definite wrong choice. And when it comes to guys I seem to ALWAYS make the wrong decision. I don't know what to do. It is so hard being a girl and being very easily driven by emotion. I hate it. Reason two I hate today.

I have so many issues. But so many I've worked through by God's grace. Through Christ my mindset and how I believed has changed so much that it's a miracle. If Bethany would comment she could tell you it's true. Especially when it comes to guys. Oh my goodness. I can't even begin to tell you how much.

The fact that my dad thinks I'm chasing/jumping from guy to guy hurts like the dickens right now.

A month ago, I had a guy that I liked beyond belief (6 or 7 years ago) tell me that he liked me. I let my emotions get ahead of everything else. I was excited. I had a date with him planned without praying or even thinking about what I was doing. Then two days later he said he didn't like me that way. I was hurt and confused. Nothing like being rejected.
But he and I talked it out. I had wondered if something had been said (late at night) that didn't need to be said. Turns out I was right. We are still friends and talk occasionally.

Then, CoolGuy, tells me who he is. Lame as this may sound, and it may not make any sense, I had been "interested" in CoolGuy from the comments he left on my blog. But I didn't really want to "like" him since I didn't know who he was and there were some guys at that BCM who were definite no's.
Since finding out who CoolGuy is, he and I have been talking over email and text messages. I don't really know him, but I'm interested in getting to know him better.

I am in the middle of a fast and I told him no talk about relationships of any kind until it was over. He was fine with that and our conversations have been about grape juice, dogs vs. cats, what we are doing that day, our families. In my mind, harmless stuff to be talking about.

I realize that I jumped the gun with (we'll call him George; that's what I name spiders that show up in my room) George. I didn't want to repeat that again. So I have been very careful with what I've said to CoolGuy. I have even been careful about how much of my emotions I'm letting out.

Of course, that is a struggle, because sometimes I can't tell when I'm hiding my emotions or when I'm ignoring them or what! It's soooo frustrating!

I never felt like I had my mom's approval. The desire to have my dad's has doubled since she passed because she isn't here and I NEED it from my dad. Since I don't have it I really want to tell CoolGuy that I can't talk to him anymore. But another side of me doesn't want to do that. I want to tell him that we can't talk until my dad realizes that I'm not jumping from guy to guy. Will that ever happen? I don't know. But I can't do this. I don't know what to do about this. I have the email typed and ready to send to CoolGuy telling him I can't talk to him.... but I really don't want to send it.

Bethany told me to chill out. I hate it when she says that. She is not kind or compassionate when I am hurting... at least it feels that way.

Here is what people don't seem to understand. I may be a fickled, emotional girl, but when I enter a relationship it will be for life. I have no desire or plan to date casually. I don't even want to do the whole, "Hey, let's go on two dates and see if it works". I'm so loyal that it will never be less than forever. Even though I've never been in a relationship I know this is true. I know it because I am so loyal and protective of my family and close friends.

And that is why I'm being (well, I thought I was) so careful. I hate making mistakes. George was a mistake and I have no desire to repeat it. That is why I'm so unsure about what to do to get my Dad to see that I am trying to be very cautious with CoolGuy.

I'm going to get something to eat. Then I'll be back to blog about the stuff I've been painting.

Mothers (and Fathers)

Those I love, I love fiercely. I will do anything to protect them. Once you have my trust I will be more loyal than your favorite dog. I especially feel that way towards my family. I would give up my life for my family. I'd rather be starving in freezing rain and naked than to see any of them hungry, cold and without shelter.

I felt that way about my mom. But I never thought the feelings were mutual. I didn't see that she loved me. I don't know when or exactly why I felt that way. I have some ideas, but I don't know for sure. I do know that from a little girl, I tried everything to get her attention and it continued throughout my teens and I'm sure up until she died. I was desperate for her attention and couldn't ever get it. It was always tied up in one of my siblings or another child. The few things I knew I did well at, I wanted to do them all by myself; like playing piano or driving. I did those well and didn't want any of my brothers or sisters to play piano - I wanted her to see what I could do. And driving, I remember her teaching a friend, and it made me so mad because she just sat there praising that girl for all she was worth and I never had any of it even though out of all of my driving siblings and even that girl, I was the best.

It hurt so much. It still hurts. But you know what hurts more? The knowledge that my relationship with my mom will never be right. I will always have the memories of the last few months she was alive doing nothing but arguing with her. I will never have the chance to tell her again that I love her. Never have the chance to tell her even though she couldn't see she'd hurt me that I forgave her. I will never have a chance again to show or tell my mom anything.

So I'm encouraging all of you. If you have a strained or broken relationship with anyone (mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, or friends) do all you can to make it right. You may not have that chance again.

It's Christmastime and what better gift than the gift of forgiveness and love?