I hate today. For one, it's Mother's Day and I hate Mother's Day. Right now it only reminds me of the fact that I don't have a mom. And, please, do not bring up rejoicing with others, because I don't want to rejoice with them today. Today I just want to be mad.
My entire family reads my blog. I know this and sometimes it makes it hard to blog because then stuff I write either gets discussed or I get lectured. To be honest, I've thought about starting a new blog... and not giving it to anyone.
Do I always make the right choices? No. In fact, 99.9% of the time I make the definite wrong choice. And when it comes to guys I seem to ALWAYS make the wrong decision. I don't know what to do. It is so hard being a girl and being very easily driven by emotion. I hate it. Reason two I hate today.
I have so many issues. But so many I've worked through by God's grace. Through Christ my mindset and how I believed has changed so much that it's a miracle. If Bethany would comment she could tell you it's true. Especially when it comes to guys. Oh my goodness. I can't even begin to tell you how much.
The fact that my dad thinks I'm chasing/jumping from guy to guy hurts like the dickens right now.
A month ago, I had a guy that I liked beyond belief (6 or 7 years ago) tell me that he liked me. I let my emotions get ahead of everything else. I was excited. I had a date with him planned without praying or even thinking about what I was doing. Then two days later he said he didn't like me that way. I was hurt and confused. Nothing like being rejected.
But he and I talked it out. I had wondered if something had been said (late at night) that didn't need to be said. Turns out I was right. We are still friends and talk occasionally.
Then, CoolGuy, tells me who he is. Lame as this may sound, and it may not make any sense, I had been "interested" in CoolGuy from the comments he left on my blog. But I didn't really want to "like" him since I didn't know who he was and there were some guys at that BCM who were definite no's.
Since finding out who CoolGuy is, he and I have been talking over email and text messages. I don't really know him, but I'm interested in getting to know him better.
I am in the middle of a fast and I told him no talk about relationships of any kind until it was over. He was fine with that and our conversations have been about grape juice, dogs vs. cats, what we are doing that day, our families. In my mind, harmless stuff to be talking about.
I realize that I jumped the gun with (we'll call him George; that's what I name spiders that show up in my room) George. I didn't want to repeat that again. So I have been very careful with what I've said to CoolGuy. I have even been careful about how much of my emotions I'm letting out.
Of course, that is a struggle, because sometimes I can't tell when I'm hiding my emotions or when I'm ignoring them or what! It's soooo frustrating!
I never felt like I had my mom's approval. The desire to have my dad's has doubled since she passed because she isn't here and I NEED it from my dad. Since I don't have it I really want to tell CoolGuy that I can't talk to him anymore. But another side of me doesn't want to do that. I want to tell him that we can't talk until my dad realizes that I'm not jumping from guy to guy. Will that ever happen? I don't know. But I can't do this. I don't know what to do about this. I have the email typed and ready to send to CoolGuy telling him I can't talk to him.... but I really don't want to send it.
Bethany told me to chill out. I hate it when she says that. She is not kind or compassionate when I am hurting... at least it feels that way.
Here is what people don't seem to understand. I may be a fickled, emotional girl, but when I enter a relationship it will be for life. I have no desire or plan to date casually. I don't even want to do the whole, "Hey, let's go on two dates and see if it works". I'm so loyal that it will never be less than forever. Even though I've never been in a relationship I know this is true. I know it because I am so loyal and protective of my family and close friends.
And that is why I'm being (well, I thought I was) so careful. I hate making mistakes. George was a mistake and I have no desire to repeat it. That is why I'm so unsure about what to do to get my Dad to see that I am trying to be very cautious with CoolGuy.
I'm going to get something to eat. Then I'll be back to blog about the stuff I've been painting.
Showing posts with label CoolGuy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label CoolGuy. Show all posts
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Spring, Summer and Fall
It has been 10 days since I last blogged. A lot has happened. I found out who CoolGuy is (I'm not telling right yet, so don't ask me!). I finished my first semester of college. And I'm already experiencing boredom from not having anything to do. I hate it.
Sooo.... CoolGuy is pretty amazing from what I know of him. We have been emailing for the last week. Things I've noticed about him in the last week: he rarely smiles in a picture. I think I make him so nervous inside that he just clams up (I can't decide if that is annoying or cute!). He is extremely laid back, calm, and he hides his emotions pretty well. He is an interesting guy; he's a cool guy! haha! I'm so lame.
He promised not to read my blog anymore so I could have my space to write whatever I wanted. Personally, I really appreciated that. I was shocked and amazed that he knew I needed my sounding board! Maybe I shouldn't have been so shocked, daddy says people can find out a whole lot about me just by reading my blog. :0
Finals. I only had two and they were both today, back to back. I think I did pretty good! I'm not scared of getting my results back so that should be a good thing. I miss school already. I don't like having nothing to do. I thrive on deadlines (I think). I'm looking forward to summer school. June 23rd! I am in learning support math (not my best subject apparently!) and I'm taking a health class.
In the fall I am taking Comp II, French II, American Government, weight training (whatever that is! my advisor asked if I wanted to and I said, sure!), Intro to PSYC, and if I pass the math support (which I will pass!), then College Algebra will be added to the schedule.
I am looking forward to painting during my summer break. My plans include the hallway and the dining room. I am trying with all my might to find a Ralph Lauren color I saw in a magazine a couple months ago. I saw the color, Creamy Copper, in the December 2008 Better Homes and Gardens, in January. I LOVE that color! I want to paint the hallway and I'm thinking half of the dining room wall the same color. I just think it's the perfect color to gracefully blend the living room (a deep, brick-ish red) and the bathroom (a bright violet). But Home Depot can't find it in their computers. If anyone has a copy of that magazine from December that they are willing to give up I would love to have it!
The dining room wall is separated into two sections and I think I would like to paint the bottom a dark brownish copper and the top the creamy copper (which is more of a gold color).
The hallway I want the entire thing to be the creamy copper. It doesn't have the greatest lighting, and I think the creamy copper because it's a kind of a metallic color it will glimmer and I think it will be very nice.
Sometime in the future my plan is to also paint the Kitchen. I'd like to paint it a blue color with brown/beige/tan-ish accents. The kitchen towels we have are blue and tan so I'd like to stick with that.
After I paint all of those rooms I'll be done. I would have painted every room in the house except Dad's bedroom and bath. I'm excited. I love painting. I love the smell.
I also want to plant a small garden during my free summer hours. I am hoping to do that before we leave on vacation. I would love to have fresh tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers and definitely watermelons this summer. I'd like to get in the habit of gardening year round, according to what is in season, but we'll see how that goes!
Sooo.... CoolGuy is pretty amazing from what I know of him. We have been emailing for the last week. Things I've noticed about him in the last week: he rarely smiles in a picture. I think I make him so nervous inside that he just clams up (I can't decide if that is annoying or cute!). He is extremely laid back, calm, and he hides his emotions pretty well. He is an interesting guy; he's a cool guy! haha! I'm so lame.
He promised not to read my blog anymore so I could have my space to write whatever I wanted. Personally, I really appreciated that. I was shocked and amazed that he knew I needed my sounding board! Maybe I shouldn't have been so shocked, daddy says people can find out a whole lot about me just by reading my blog. :0
Finals. I only had two and they were both today, back to back. I think I did pretty good! I'm not scared of getting my results back so that should be a good thing. I miss school already. I don't like having nothing to do. I thrive on deadlines (I think). I'm looking forward to summer school. June 23rd! I am in learning support math (not my best subject apparently!) and I'm taking a health class.
In the fall I am taking Comp II, French II, American Government, weight training (whatever that is! my advisor asked if I wanted to and I said, sure!), Intro to PSYC, and if I pass the math support (which I will pass!), then College Algebra will be added to the schedule.
I am looking forward to painting during my summer break. My plans include the hallway and the dining room. I am trying with all my might to find a Ralph Lauren color I saw in a magazine a couple months ago. I saw the color, Creamy Copper, in the December 2008 Better Homes and Gardens, in January. I LOVE that color! I want to paint the hallway and I'm thinking half of the dining room wall the same color. I just think it's the perfect color to gracefully blend the living room (a deep, brick-ish red) and the bathroom (a bright violet). But Home Depot can't find it in their computers. If anyone has a copy of that magazine from December that they are willing to give up I would love to have it!
The dining room wall is separated into two sections and I think I would like to paint the bottom a dark brownish copper and the top the creamy copper (which is more of a gold color).
The hallway I want the entire thing to be the creamy copper. It doesn't have the greatest lighting, and I think the creamy copper because it's a kind of a metallic color it will glimmer and I think it will be very nice.
Sometime in the future my plan is to also paint the Kitchen. I'd like to paint it a blue color with brown/beige/tan-ish accents. The kitchen towels we have are blue and tan so I'd like to stick with that.
After I paint all of those rooms I'll be done. I would have painted every room in the house except Dad's bedroom and bath. I'm excited. I love painting. I love the smell.
I also want to plant a small garden during my free summer hours. I am hoping to do that before we leave on vacation. I would love to have fresh tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers and definitely watermelons this summer. I'd like to get in the habit of gardening year round, according to what is in season, but we'll see how that goes!
Friday, April 24, 2009
Overdosed
I'm supposed to be in bed right now... but that hasn't happened. I can't seem to make myself get in bed.
I totally overdosed on my allergy med today. What an experience. I didn't realize I had done it until after I had already taken the pills. Sudafed PE Sinus and Allergy... according to the back you are not supposed to exceed 6 tablets within a 24 hour period. I took 10 within a 3 - 4 hour period. My head. I can't even begin to explain how I felt. I was sooo tired. I felt dizzy and I had a headache. It was so strange. Definitely not anything I ever want to experience again. Not even sure if I'm still over it. I'm wondering because although I'm tired I don't really feel tired. That doesn't make sense. It is what I would imagine being drunk would feel like or a hangover. I haven't felt either but I can definitely imagine.
I know I've been talking a lot about boys but hey, I'm a girl, that's what we do! Today I have been thinking about African-American men. I think they are hot and the idea of having cappuccino babies makes me smile.
I still have no idea who CoolGuy is. I've tried finding out. My brother emailed him and through that I found out he likes me. But I already knew that... so that wasn't a surprise. I'm pretty sure he is still reading even though he doesn't comment. He says I act weird around him... so I don't think I'm around him that often. I'm not sure what he means by weird but I am really quiet around people I'm not comfortable with.
Tomorrow I'm supposed to be meeting a friend so we can go study together. I don't know if I want too. The more I think about it the more I'm not sure. I mean, I'm going because I said I would but... still. I don't like the idea of not having my car. And I don't understand why she doesn't want to go by herself. No offense to her but I love doing things by myself.
She makes me realize how independent and brazen I am. Compared to her I am. Don't get me wrong, I love her to death. I think she's amazing. I'm just really writing as it comes out so hopefully I won't offend anyone. But I love being independent. I would go crazy if I didn't do things by myself.
I'm going to test my PC party dessert on the Wednesday night crew. I haven't made this recipe before. I'm sure it won't be a problem but I do want to make it before next Saturday.
I hate not having tons of homework to do. I feel like I've done nothing productive today. I like the rush of a deadline. I like studying. I like having something to do! I'm ready for this semester to be over but yet I'm dreading summer because of the above. I think I'm going to paint and garden before the second session of classes (I have to take at least one class this summer). And hopefully do quite a few Pampered Chef parties.
I'm about to fall asleep so I'm going to go. Amazing. Blogging must relax me or something because I feel like I could fall over and sleep until noon. 7am here I come. I'm meeting my friend at 9 so I've got to have time to wake up (or I'll be grumpy), shower and make a protein shake. Yay me. *that was sarcasm* goodnight.
I totally overdosed on my allergy med today. What an experience. I didn't realize I had done it until after I had already taken the pills. Sudafed PE Sinus and Allergy... according to the back you are not supposed to exceed 6 tablets within a 24 hour period. I took 10 within a 3 - 4 hour period. My head. I can't even begin to explain how I felt. I was sooo tired. I felt dizzy and I had a headache. It was so strange. Definitely not anything I ever want to experience again. Not even sure if I'm still over it. I'm wondering because although I'm tired I don't really feel tired. That doesn't make sense. It is what I would imagine being drunk would feel like or a hangover. I haven't felt either but I can definitely imagine.
I know I've been talking a lot about boys but hey, I'm a girl, that's what we do! Today I have been thinking about African-American men. I think they are hot and the idea of having cappuccino babies makes me smile.
I still have no idea who CoolGuy is. I've tried finding out. My brother emailed him and through that I found out he likes me. But I already knew that... so that wasn't a surprise. I'm pretty sure he is still reading even though he doesn't comment. He says I act weird around him... so I don't think I'm around him that often. I'm not sure what he means by weird but I am really quiet around people I'm not comfortable with.
Tomorrow I'm supposed to be meeting a friend so we can go study together. I don't know if I want too. The more I think about it the more I'm not sure. I mean, I'm going because I said I would but... still. I don't like the idea of not having my car. And I don't understand why she doesn't want to go by herself. No offense to her but I love doing things by myself.
She makes me realize how independent and brazen I am. Compared to her I am. Don't get me wrong, I love her to death. I think she's amazing. I'm just really writing as it comes out so hopefully I won't offend anyone. But I love being independent. I would go crazy if I didn't do things by myself.
I'm going to test my PC party dessert on the Wednesday night crew. I haven't made this recipe before. I'm sure it won't be a problem but I do want to make it before next Saturday.
I hate not having tons of homework to do. I feel like I've done nothing productive today. I like the rush of a deadline. I like studying. I like having something to do! I'm ready for this semester to be over but yet I'm dreading summer because of the above. I think I'm going to paint and garden before the second session of classes (I have to take at least one class this summer). And hopefully do quite a few Pampered Chef parties.
I'm about to fall asleep so I'm going to go. Amazing. Blogging must relax me or something because I feel like I could fall over and sleep until noon. 7am here I come. I'm meeting my friend at 9 so I've got to have time to wake up (or I'll be grumpy), shower and make a protein shake. Yay me. *that was sarcasm* goodnight.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Makes My Heart Melt
I'm not used to not having a comment from CoolGuy when I get up in the morning... so it was very disappointing this morning when I checked my email and didn't have one. That's a hint! lol ;)
I'm doing a speech on Raw Milk vs. Pasteurized Milk and have decided to cut all dairy out of my diet. My family eats a lot of dairy. So for lunch I'm eating oatmeal with peanut butter, raisins and raw almonds. And then I have some raisins, almonds and peanut butter on a plate. It's not that good but it's what I'm eating. My siblings are afraid I'm going to make them starve. Of course, I'm not going to do that. I'm just cutting it out of my personal diet. So unless it's certified organic (raw) milk/dairy products I'm not going to eat or drink it.
Tonight I am going to hang out with a bunch of Libertarians. Trying to put myself in more social circles than what I'm currently in.... It should be interesting. I'm excited about it.
Well, I need to finish lunch (ha! I don't even know if you could call it lunch... it wasn't very filling... I'm going to have to work on that if I'm going to keep eating this way... which I am going to continue.) and then start some research for my English essay. The first draft is due tomorrow and while I've got that completed I would like to add a few more things.
Oh! But wait! I've been listening to quite a bit of country music lately. Have you guys heard the latest from the Zac Brown Band Whatever It Is?! I love this song. Read the lyrics. I have a favorite part.
She's got eyes that cut you like a
knife and
lips that taste like sweet red wine
And pretty legs go to heaven every time
She got a gentle way that puts me at ease
When she walks in the room I can hardly breathe
Got a devastating smile knock a grown man to his knees
She's got whatever it is
It blows me away
She's everything I wanted to say to a woman
but couldn't find the words to say
She's got whatever it is
I don't know what to do
Because every time I try and tell her how I feel
it comes out "I love you"
You got whatever it is
You know I've never been the type that would ever want to
stay
Bring 'em home at night and they're gone the next day
But that all changed when she walked into my life
People ask me what it is
I tell them I don't know
Just something about the woman makes my heart go haywire
She's gonna be my wife
She's got whatever it is
It blows me away
She's everything I wanted to say to a woman
but couldn't find the words to say
She's got whatever it is
I don't know what to do
Because every time I try and tell her how I feel
it comes out "I love you"
You got whatever it is
When she loves me
Girl that's how I feel
When she loves me I'm on top of the world
Because when she loves me I can live forever
When she loves me I am untouchable
She's got whatever it is
It blows me away
She's everything I wanted to say to a woman
but couldn't find the words to say
She's got whatever it is
I don't know what to do
Because every time I try and tell her how I feel
it comes out "I love you"
You got whatever it is
Okay so the last bridge (I think that's what music savvy people call it) is my favorite part. I want my husband to feel like he is untouchable because I am by his side. That part makes my heart melt! I am such a romantic! haha!
I'm doing a speech on Raw Milk vs. Pasteurized Milk and have decided to cut all dairy out of my diet. My family eats a lot of dairy. So for lunch I'm eating oatmeal with peanut butter, raisins and raw almonds. And then I have some raisins, almonds and peanut butter on a plate. It's not that good but it's what I'm eating. My siblings are afraid I'm going to make them starve. Of course, I'm not going to do that. I'm just cutting it out of my personal diet. So unless it's certified organic (raw) milk/dairy products I'm not going to eat or drink it.
Tonight I am going to hang out with a bunch of Libertarians. Trying to put myself in more social circles than what I'm currently in.... It should be interesting. I'm excited about it.
Well, I need to finish lunch (ha! I don't even know if you could call it lunch... it wasn't very filling... I'm going to have to work on that if I'm going to keep eating this way... which I am going to continue.) and then start some research for my English essay. The first draft is due tomorrow and while I've got that completed I would like to add a few more things.
Oh! But wait! I've been listening to quite a bit of country music lately. Have you guys heard the latest from the Zac Brown Band Whatever It Is?! I love this song. Read the lyrics. I have a favorite part.
She's got eyes that cut you like a
knife and
lips that taste like sweet red wine
And pretty legs go to heaven every time
She got a gentle way that puts me at ease
When she walks in the room I can hardly breathe
Got a devastating smile knock a grown man to his knees
She's got whatever it is
It blows me away
She's everything I wanted to say to a woman
but couldn't find the words to say
She's got whatever it is
I don't know what to do
Because every time I try and tell her how I feel
it comes out "I love you"
You got whatever it is
You know I've never been the type that would ever want to
stay
Bring 'em home at night and they're gone the next day
But that all changed when she walked into my life
People ask me what it is
I tell them I don't know
Just something about the woman makes my heart go haywire
She's gonna be my wife
She's got whatever it is
It blows me away
She's everything I wanted to say to a woman
but couldn't find the words to say
She's got whatever it is
I don't know what to do
Because every time I try and tell her how I feel
it comes out "I love you"
You got whatever it is
When she loves me
Girl that's how I feel
When she loves me I'm on top of the world
Because when she loves me I can live forever
When she loves me I am untouchable
She's got whatever it is
It blows me away
She's everything I wanted to say to a woman
but couldn't find the words to say
She's got whatever it is
I don't know what to do
Because every time I try and tell her how I feel
it comes out "I love you"
You got whatever it is
Okay so the last bridge (I think that's what music savvy people call it) is my favorite part. I want my husband to feel like he is untouchable because I am by his side. That part makes my heart melt! I am such a romantic! haha!
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