Really Nasty Things

I walked into my room and all I wanted was a journal. But I don't have one because I stopped writing in a journal by hand a long time ago. This is all I have right now so it will have to do...

I am feeling really emotional right now. Partly because Mother Nature is making her rounds and the other part... I'm not really sure why.

I want to write some really nasty things about certain people. But I'd get in trouble. That's why I need a journal. *evil grin*

Sometimes I just miss him. I miss being around him. I miss his sarcasm, his jokes, how he made me laugh. I never once felt pressured to be perfect when I was around him. Sometimes I go through his facebook pictures; I did that tonight actually. I've thought a lot about him today. I guess because it's 9/11 and he's overseas... I think in Kuwait. I'm not really sure. I've been praying for his safety and for his safe return to the states. I hope he makes it in December. I would love to see him.

Did you remember it's 9/11 today? It's hard to forget; especially with everyone you run into (in person or online) makes a comment about it. My heart goes out to the families of 911. And even more so to the men and women fighting for my freedom. Thank you for all that you do.

My French prof is pretty much the most amazing, incredible professor ever. I told you about the scholarship right? Yeah, so as much as I want to go to France, I've been doing some mental math and I just don't think I can. I mean, I've got Josh Bales coming up, a maid of honor dress to buy, and decorations for a bridal shower; not to mention, I now have a puppy who is only about 12 weeks old and I told Dad I would buy his food. And I plan to keep doing that. And I'm feeling really pressured to start buying my own gas. I need a second job. I don't know how I can do all of this and afford to go to France. There is no way unless I quit school and work full time. Which, by the way, I'm not going to do. Je ne sais pas. I don't know. I don't know what to do.

I've decided on a major. I've decided on a career. I've decided where I'm going to live after I graduate. I've decided after working and saving for two years where I'm going to go on vacation. I have my life planned out up til I'm around the age of 31. I have the next 8 years of my life planned. You may laugh and that's okay, but if you don't have a plan, then what do you have? Nothing. You have a lifeless dream that may or may not come true. At least I have a goal; something to work towards; a desire, a dream, a reward at the end of my road. I have something to fight for and I want my plan to work out. So laugh if you want, but keep it to yourself. I don't want to hear it.

My plan: is to become a 4 year RN. I want to be a nurse. I love patching people up. I would be good at it. I know I would. So I'll start next fall in a nursing program. I'll be 24. Man, I'm old. Flash-forward four years, I'm 28, graduated, and moving to Apalachicola. I love it there. They have a hospital I can work at and the idea gives me thrills! I'll live there for two years and then I'm going to England, France, Ireland, I don't really know. I just know that when I'm 30 that's where I want to be. I'll stay there for a couple weeks, maybe a couple months and then move back to South GA. I'm going to buy some land and build myself a house.

I haven't quite figured out what to do with my babies when I'm in France... I now have a puppy. Did I tell you I was getting a puppy? He's a black lab. His name is Bandit. He is the sweetest puppy ever! So I have my own little family now. Queen Sheba (my cat) and Bandit (my dog) and me. *smiles* I told this to Carrie and she said, "Now all you need is a husband!" I replied, "I don't think so! I don't need a man at all." And I don't.
Men are stupid. I've yet to meet one who doesn't make me feel like I don't measure up. And all the guys I know, I'm too fat for. Which is depressing. It makes me not want to eat. I know that is wrong and I am eating so no worries. I had crunch bars, Doritos, and a coke at work today. I was hungry... I've already mentioned the reason why so I see no need to repeat it.

I need to go to sleep. Ryan is bringing my gun back tomorrow. And then I'm going to the shooting range. Then I'm going to study until 1pm-ish (I will officially bring Bandit home then). I'm gonna give that puppy a bath and then study some more. Probably at RG's house so I can have Bandit in the same room with me. RG doesn't care. I took Bandit to the Bible study Wednesday night. He is such a good dog. He didn't bark, whine or wiggle. He just sat in my lap. I am so excited! I'm going to study all Sunday afternoon too.

Night y'all. Have a wonderful weekend.

Hello World!

My life currently consist of running between class, work and home. It make not sound like much but it is actually a lot. I have already worked 15 hours this week. I'm taking 13 hours of classes and that barely leaves me anytime to do anything else. Not to mention before this week I'd been having a very hard time being motivated to do homework. So now I'm behind and feeling quite stressed about it. To make matters worse RG made me so mad I cried. That did not help my already hectic life.

This weekend is the Taylor concert. Anna, Bethany and I are going. Amazingly without Ben. Although, I'm pretty sure he is all we will hear about... now that Bsquared are engaged. We are all very happy about it. We love Ben. But sometimes I would like to talk to Bethany without talking about marriage, plans, Ben or whatever. Sometimes it would be nice to talk about me and what's going on in my life. I almost feel selfish writing that.

I am bringing homework with me. I have too. I have to work everyday on French and Math. I should probably throw some English and Psychology in there too. Praise the Lord I do not have class Monday. I am going to study ALL day!

Oh my word. My French Prof is incredible. In the Spring semester she is planning a six week trip to France. I want to go so badly! The total cost is around $4000. And she has poked around and set up a scholarship for me. I am overwhelmed with gratitude! It is not much (in light of $4000) but any little bit will help.

Josh Bales concert. It's still a go. I'm praying we have 50 people show up. If we don't I'm going to cry.

I've got to run. I have to be at work in 20 minutes. Have a good afternoon.

That's Not My Name

I'm drinking David's coffee. It's like tar. You really have no idea. It burns going down and I love it! We make the Cary Grant method coffee. You know pour the coffee grounds until you have way more coffee than you do water. If you haven't seen the movie Walk, Don't Run you've missed out. It's super cute!

I have to go to work in 30 minutes. I really don't want too. Blah.

I met a guy. He loves Jesus. He's got a job, a house, and and he's only 22 seems to have his head on straight. I want to get to know him better. We'll see what happens. Meg, you need to come for the concert. Seriously. Guys seem to be jumping out of the woodwork's down here.

I'm going to the shooting range this Sunday. Jonathan is taking me. I think I might take David with me. He doesn't know yet. But I feel like I need someone there so Jonathan won't be as prone to put his hands on me. He's never inappropriate, but always on the line. I also invited the guy who is going to take me hunting. Jonathan doesn't know that either. :) I don't know if he will like that fact. *evil grin*

I am so excited about Josh Bales coming to sing. You have no idea. Oh, I don't have a problem with little kids coming as long as they don't interrupt the concert. I feel like I should put that out there.

I love it when my profs know my name. I have three classes and all of my profs know my name. That just makes me feel special or something! ha! I know, it's crazy. But there are quite a few kids at that college and knowing that they know who I am makes me want to go to class. This weight training class is CRAZY!!! There are so many jocks, too many stuck-up guys in this class. But I'm enjoying the exercise. There are only three girls (not including me) in my French class. Do you know how amazing that is going to be? More one on one time with Madame Knight; less pressure to get things correct; more room to get to know my classmates. I'm going to like this. I'm sitting in the very back of my math class. And the guys that I'm sitting next to are insane! They like to talk. Hopefully I'll get something out of this class!

Cabinets are finished now I'm just trying to get everything back on a shelf and it be organized. I need to do this soon because the Bible study is at my house next week and the house needs to be somewhat clean! *smiles* I'm really excited about it being at my home. I love having people over.

I'm gonna run. I need to finish my coffee and brush my teeth. Have a great weekend. Be safe. Have fun. Comment on my blog! *laughs* I'm teasing, but also serious. It's depressing when I blog all the time and don't get a response. Ben, you can comment too you know!

Rambo, Painting and Huntin'

Wow. I haven't blogged in forever. I didn't even realize it had been so long until Bethany told me that Ben had told her I hadn't blogged and it bothered him not knowing what is going on in my life. Goodness, between Bsquared I won't be able to get away from anything.

I have pictures of the snake while I was cooking it and will put them up soon. It was actually really good. No, Rambo (that's what we named the snake) did not taste like chicken. He was really moist and tender (after getting around the bones) and sweet. I don't know if that was from soaking him in Don's all night or what. But I think snake is one of my favorite meats as far as taste goes. Next time I will completely de-bone him though. Now that I know what I'm doing it shouldn't take me as long as it did.

I am working on getting my hunters safety course completed and then I am going to buy a hunting license. I even have a guy to take me. No, it's not Jonathan so don't worry. But I haven't actually met him... I work with his Mom and have talked with him over the phone. I'm not crushing on him or anything but he called me "darlin'" and I am a sucker for a that word. I don't know what it is but that word makes something inside this girl melt. Anyhow, I need to hang out with him sometime and get to know him that way I'm not going into the woods with a complete stranger... and so Dad's okay with it. Hunting season starts October 17th. That gives me plenty of time to get to know him, get my license, and practice shooting. I need to know how to aim. :)

I also need to finish these cabinets. I'm almost done; I have one more that needs to be completely painted and then a corner that needs a second coat. Then I'll need to give the trim two coats. Man, I am ready to be done! They look nice though. And I can't wait to get the doors and new hardware up. It's going to look amazing.

Last night was one of the most interesting nights of my life. I met up with some friends at Starbucks and then we walked around the neighborhood behind Starbucks (talking about Rambo! haha! Candace didn't know I had gutted it and I am so proud of myself I just had to tell her) only to end the evening standing/sitting by the Comfort Inn talking about our most embarrassing moments, fashion trends, etc. It was hard to tell what everyone was thinking/feeling. Expressions weren't freely coming and it was just awkward for me. I didn't know what to say, or do, or even think at times. I feel like Candace and Greg were the only ones truly comfortable. Although, I could be wrong about RG... I've been around him in various settings and haven't yet seen him uncomfortable. Poor kid, he looked dead tired. People don't even think about the fact that he gets up way too early in the morning. That's why I like to ask him because I know he gets up around 5am this time of the year. It makes people feel bad. Ha! That shouldn't make me laugh but it does. It was a good night. I like hanging out with Candace and RG so that was fun... I guess.
RG was feeling really feisty or something last night. He "whatever-ed" me last night first thing and then told me he would give me the "hand" too. Must have been the Thai food they ate and it must have only been his meal because no one else was acting that way.
I think I'm going to ask him over for supper next week. It's been a while since he's had dinner with the family. I have next Thursday evening off so I'll probably do it then. What do you guys think I should cook? Chicken enchilada casserole sounds really good right now.

Josh Bales concert: October 8th, 7:30 or 8pm. You can email this address: bookjoshbales@gmail.com to let them know you are interested and to purchase your ticket. Tickets can be bought up to the day of. Better get your ticket soon! Ben, it's too bad you can't bring the Three D boys. I think they would really enjoy it.

Well, I'm going to paint. I need to get some done so I can finish tomorrow. Actually I probably won't finish until Monday because I'm going to have to put a second coat on the cabinets that were just primed today. Ugh.

The Glory of Deceit

When I have no new books and I rarely ever reread a book, I write. And I'm not talking about blogs. I mean, I write blogs. But I’m talking about writing fiction. I figure I have a good imagination and surely I can come up with a good story. I'm on my third page. I started this afternoon. I love reading. I love writing. And no, I won't share. :)
It is my dream to be able to write a story about my life under a different name of course. But to be able to express how I feel about some people and be paid for it would be amazing. Gossip sells and my life could be summed up as a soap opera so I have no doubts as to whether or not it would be published. I do have doubts about whether or not people would read it and figure out who is who. Then I would have a big mess... mainly because there are so many people I don't care for. I can think of several right now. All girls. What does that tell you? Oh well I've always liked the male gender better. They are less complicated when it comes to dealing with life. That doesn't make the male population any less confusing to be sure so don't get that mixed up.

My Mother was an amazing woman. Yes, I struggled with my relationship with her, but that doesn't change the fact that I admired, respected and adored her. I can't help but despise the fact that Sybol Allen is not known and will not be known to a certain someone. And no one cares. But I do and I hate it. I don't even want to look at, or speak to that person. There is no respect. And the lies that have made this event come about do nothing to encourage compassion within my heart. Not that I'm a very compassionate person as it is (I know this to be very true so don't even try to say otherwise), but this makes me want to harden my heart towards you. You don't deserve it.

I know what you are thinking at this point Dad. But please remember this is my blog, my opinions and all I ask is that you don't make decisions based on my feelings.

Anna seems to think I have a Mr. Darcy in my life. It's absurd. She thinks it's RG. I told her my life is not based on a book, or a movie. As I have told several people in the last couple weeks, I wouldn't date him if he was the last guy on earth. He's stuck up, self-centered, and has a fear of commitment. And I do laugh at him. He is far from perfect, girls and, it's high time someone of the female gender realized this fact. This is sounding a bit like Elizabeth's opinions of Mr. Darcy isn't it? Who cares? While we're talking about all the things I don't like about RG (you guys do know how much I adore him so just let me have my say and we'll be done with it). I don't like that he is only attracted to far too skinny blond-headed girls and he has a whole slew of girls that fit that description who are fans of his. It disgusts me. I promise I have a whole list in the back of my head of things I don't like about him, but right now that is the only thing I can remember and it's not even completely accurate because he wasn't attracted to the Bobbsey Twins (the actual Bobbsey twin characters were, by the way, male and female unlike the twins I'm talking about).
Anyways, RG is the one friend I can have a conversation with on the phone and it's not weird nor do I dread it. Of course that's probably only because we don't ever talk more than 10-15 minutes and those are the kinds of phone calls I like: short, sweet and to the point. But then we cover a large range of topics too. In person, I try not to talk to him too much. I'm too comfortable around him. I don't care what he thinks and that gets me in trouble (with myself) at times.
I keep trying to think of girls that I approve of to set him up with, but his biggest fault is being a pecan farmer in South GA. What girl is going to want to live here for the rest of her life? I don’t know of any.
Oh, the other big thing I don't like about him is that he doesn’t come to church consistently. I don't understand that. If I don't go to church it's because I don't want too and that isn't very often. But he goes off for what? It's always something valid. It irritates me.
And I don't understand why he didn't tell. Wait, I do know. He forgot. I felt like his secretary today making phone calls so people would know that we are going to watch a movie instead of having the Bible study. Perhaps I should have left it that way and it would have been a very awkward night with just the two of us. Ha! Not really, there is no being awkward with RG. I am rambling. And I have far too many paragraphs about him. Just pray he lets me drive his truck. That will be the highlight of my week! I love his truck (just between you and me that is the only reason I'm his friend).

Josh Bales. Yes, let's talk about another guy. The concert is happening. I had a ten minute conversation with Josh on Thursday. We are both super excited about it. He is going to call me a couple weeks ahead of time and set the date then. RG told me today that whatever day I chose is good for him. Isn't he sweet? *yes, that was a bit of sarcasm* Actually, I was very thankful for that. I mean, he is going to be right in the middle of harvest and that would be so confusing to go between him and Josh over and over to get a good day. Be expecting more details soon.

I need to go to bed. I'm feeling rather ill emotionally and mentally. Do you know what I have realized about myself? Several things actually. One, I'm an emotional drinker. I drink coke when I don't want to deal with life or whatever is being thrown my way. At least it's not beer right?! Second, I don't need a man. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I only want a man for one reason and it isn't a good one. As Carrie told me the other day, "That's your problem!" We both started laughing. I realize it really is a problem. But I don't know how to fix it. I've never *needed* anyone or that's the lie I've told myself and I seem to be doing pretty well at this point, so I don't see a need to change. I guess deep down, I'm asking for prayer. I don't even know at this point.

Of course, if I was telling myself and you the truth it would read a bit more like this: I do need people. I need my family. I need friends. I need to be taken care of. But I hate feeling like I need something. I don't like dependent upon others. So it's easier to ignore these stupid feelings of needing.

But we aren't dealing with the truth. We are dealing with lies. And right now I like the lies better than I like the truth. Again, the lie that it hurts less to need less is sounding pretty good.

Good night friends.