Master of.... Exhaustion, Masking, and Losing

Yep. That would be me. I am constantly tired thus the Master of Exhaustion. I don't get enough sleep, I run ALL day every day. I feel like my week ran into my weekend which then ran into my week and I didn't even have a break last weekend.

Whether it's family, college, Pampered Chef, trying to have a social life, etc, I can't seem to find enough time to be still. To rest. To pause life and forget about everything. I don't even do that in my sleep. I woke up last night at 4:30am thinking it was time for school. I went back to bed!

I'm tired of playing the balancing game and I'm so ready to drop something, but I can't drop any of it. It's all too important to me and my future. I'm not trying to sound like a whiny baby I just to release and right now my blog is a form of release.

I'm trying to read the Word every day. I'm doing better. My Sunday School teacher challenged me to pray every day for 40 days that God would show me He loves me. I know He does, but right now I feel so weak and used, I just need to hear Him say it or to show me. I've been looking and listening.

I love the moon. With a passion. I think it is the most amazing, awesome, incredible thing ever. It's round with dents and craters; it's not perfect. Sometimes it's orange or red; other nights it's silver and gray and just plain beautiful. I love the moon. This morning I was about to turn out of my driveway and I looked down the opposite road and guess what I saw? All big, bright and orange? The moon. I almost started crying. It was a gift of love from my Father Love.

It's almost that time... and I haven't been this emotional in a lllllooooonnnnnnggggggg time. I cry over everything. It's irritating and I am so ready to have a big cry and be over with it!

You called. You made me cry. I think you are slowly breaking my heart. I hope you don't read my blog. :)

I've realized that I am the Master of Masking... my emotions. I won't even realize I'm feeling a certain way until I'm at the breaking point. It's horrible and I'm not sure how to deal with it. You know, how to stop masking and starting dealing with my emotions. Writing my essay and then dealing with my grandfather's funeral made me come face to face with this realization. The week leading up to Pop-Pop's funeral I felt nothing. Friday, two hours before the visitation, I was about to completely lose it. I was trying not to cry and it wasn't really working.
Then reading my essay I remembered where I've been and what has happened in my past that has made me the Master of Masking. You try being strong for everyone you (family, close friends and also not so close friends) know for 6 plus years and you will become a Master of Masking too. I'm tired of masking and I'm a bit tired of being strong.

I lost everything I've worked on today. College papers, speeches, study guides, Pampered Chef downloads, and so much more. I had a virus on my computer and the Tech guys said since my computer wasn't responding to anything I needed to restore my drive to where it was when I received the computer. Back to nothing. I was crushed. I couldn't believe it. I was already feeling weight of the world and this did not help. And wouldn't you know as soon as it was over my brothers said, I could have saved your stuff to my portable hard drive (or whatever it is).
So I guess I'm not really a Master of Losing. I just feel like one.

I'm going to bed in about 40 minutes. I've re-written my speech for Thursday (that was one of the things I'd lost!). Now I just have about 5 study guides to rewrite. I really want to ask my English Prof for copies of my essay because the only one I have is here on my blog. I want my drafts and everything.

Oh, have I told you lately that I seriously love Andy Merrick's blog? http://blog.andymerrick.com/ He is my ray of sunshine on these very cloudy days. He's so funny and I definitely need the laughs. I'm praising God for that man right now. Pray for Andy. It's his last couple days at work and then he is writing full-time! I'm so excited for him. I can't wait for his first book! It's going to be about relationships. I could use a good book on relationships right now.
Speaking of relationships, you should check out Dave Barnes new EP. I purchased it from iTunes and I love it. My favorite is Until You. I've heard the song before but now it's a love song from my Savior. I'm digging it.
Another related topic. My purity ring. I've started wearing it on my right ring finger. RG told me that until a year or so ago he didn't even know there were two separate rings for the girl (engagement ring and wedding band). I made me think that maybe guys avoid me because I've been wearing it on my left finger and they don't know if I'm in a relationship or not. I don't know if I could handle a relationship right now, but it is one of my deepest desires to be married and I don't want to scare the right guy by having a ring on my left ring finger. Am I crazy?!

I need to brush my teeth (I got a new toothbrush yesterday!) and then go to bed. After I print and practice my speech on my family! Don't let me forget to write the full-sentence outline tomorrow.

Good night friends. Sorry this is so long.

Super Bowl or Not

I don't understand what is so special about the Super Bowl. Well, football for that matter. I can't stand football. It's boring. Who wants to watch a bunch of overgrown kids tackle each other? Not me.

I'm getting pretty excited about my Pampered Chef parties this week. If you aren't coming you are missing out! I'm so happy to be having some of my favorite people over at my house to hang out. Not to mention I love cooking for people so this is going to be perfect.

I need to make a list of everything I need to do tomorrow. My day is going to be soooooo long and crazy busy I don't even really want to think about it. But if I don't make a list I won't get half of what I need done completed and that will stress me out.

You should see my room right now. Actually, no, you shouldn't. It's a huge mess. My desk looks like a tornado went through it. I have piles of paper, pens, money, a french press and more on it and around it on the floor. I need to clean.

But not tonight. I'm about to go to bed. After I brush my teeth and make a list. Which is what I'm going to do now.

Movies in the Dark, Boys I've Liked and Basically a Bit of All of My Life Right Now

Wow. What a long title. Probably too long. Oh well.

Last night I took a (much needed!) break from school and schedules and worrying about how I was going to make it through the semester. Everyone tells me this overwhelming sense of questioning if I can make it through the spring in one piece is normal. But I don't really like it.

Studying is going well. I really like sociology. I just finished my reading for my Tuesday class. I love people watching and seeing what others are doing with their time so this is right up my alley!
English is kind of boring right now. But I'm sure it will pick up as the semester goes along. And I've yet to study for Public Speaking or French. But I can assure you that well before Tuesday I will have spent at least 2 hours on each subject. I have scheduled 24 hours of study time into my planner. We'll see how well it really works next week.
One thing I've discovered, I cannot study at home. I love my family, but they are too distracting. I want to talk to them and be involved with their lives when I'm at home and that means I have a hard time actually concentrating. So that's why I'm at Starbucks this morning. I've been here since 9:30 and it's now 12:14pm. I like it. It has just enough noise to keep me going crazy from not having any noise (hey, you grow up in a household of ten and you'd need background noise all the time too), but no one talks to me so I can focus on my schoolwork. It's perfect. Not to mention the coffee!! Ooh brother! Am I a happy woman right now! *big stupid grin*

Anyways, last night I went to the theater. One of my favorite things to do alone. Watch a sappy movie, in the dark by myself. I'm being completely serious. It's a favorite past-time! I watched Bride Wars. It was soo funny! I laughed and cried. And then I got out of the movie and the longer the drive took to get home the more I thought about all the reasons why I don't have a guy and all the guys who have liked me and why it never worked out. I cried on the way home. It was stupid. I had also figured out how I could get back together with a guy who once wanted to marry me and possibly still likes me. What is it about movies like that that make girls go crazy?! Because that's what I was doing. Going crazy. It wouldn't have worked with that guy. I mean, don't get me wrong. He was a very sweet, godly, good looking man (and just the way I like men - tall, muscular and skinny!) with blue eyes and blond hair (I'm ok with the blond hair, but two out of the last three guys I've had a crush on have had blackish-brownish hair with blue eyes... Apparently I like black hair, blue eyed men! I think I have a thing for blue eyes. I don't think I've ever liked a guy with brown eyes. Isn't that weird?!) and I liked him a lot. But it just wouldn't have worked. Although he didn't know it I was not the sweet and submissive woman he thought (I'm good at hiding things! *evil laugh* Ok, so the evil laugh might be a bit much... or maybe not!). I mean, I probably am more of the woman he would have wanted at the time (and probably still does desire) but at that point in my life I wasn't and at this point there are other problems. So either way it probably wouldn't have worked for us.

Don't worry though. I'm feeling much more normal and much more levelheaded this morning. I don't need a guy to make me feel complete and I know that one day a guy will show up and he'll have my name written on his forehead for all the world to see... won't that be interesting?! Seriously though, there is a guy the Lord has picked out who is perfect for me and I'm happy to wait for him.
Plus, I don't know how in the world I'd deal with the commitment a relationship requires right now with school and trying to start Pampered Chef (more on my frustrations with that later). I'm way too busy and I know my siblings are going to think I've completely abandoned them! I promise I haven't guys!
Interesting short series I've been reading this past week is from this guy - http://blog.andymerrick.com/. Really interesting stuff. And yes that one comment from a Lydia is me.

So Pampered Chef.... yeah. I ordered my starter kit well over a week and a half ago and it still isn't in yet. I'm a bit frustrated. My goal was to have my first show this Thursday, but that isn't going to happen. And this is going to be my source of income so I kind of need to start as soon as possible. So if you could be praying about that I would appreciate it!

So I know I purposely stopped writing blogs on MySpace, but I just have to say I miss all of you who would comment. But to those who followed me over here, I am so thankful! I love you guys! Well, this is all for now. I have an hour to study Public Speaking before heading to my hair appointment. I need a trim, but I'm still a little unhappy with my style so hopefully it will be cut to my satisfaction this time! I'm going to a new hair salon... I had two appointments in row of being very unhappy with my previous stylist. So I'm trying someone new. Should be interesting. Alright, I really have to go! I'll write again later. Soon.