It hit me tonight that I was being really selfish concerning my relationship with the Lord. I had gotten to the point that I wasn't sure if I even cared about my relationship with Father Love. Because what had He done for me? Nothing. I was only mad because I didn't have a guy. But I don't even want a guy (except for one reason and that isn't a good one).
So I broke down and cried. I do care about my relationship with my Lord and Savior. I'm tired of being selfish and prideful and lying to myself (He has done sooo much more for me than I deserve).
I hope this rebellious season is over. It's exhausting living for your own desires.
Dad asked me tonight if RG read my blog. Good night. I hope not. I don't think he does. But it would be interesting if he did.
He has a kitten hanging around his house. Which is really funny to me because he doesn't like cats. I was holding the kitten and he asked me what I was going to name it. I told him if I named it he would have to keep it... he didn't agree. But I said I would name it Robert. hahaha!! I thought that was really clever. But it turns out Robert is a girl so it's now Roberta. *grins*
That reminds me. I need to bathe Sheba. She is so nasty. She is white... well, she's suppose to be white, but she's a grayish/brown color.
I made brownie batter pancakes today. They were like flat, round brownies. The boys loved them. No, I didn't let them have syrup. They didn't need it. They were worried about getting in trouble for eating brownie pancakes though. I laughed at them! Ha! I've given them ice-cream for breakfast before. Surely brownie pancakes aren't any worse! And I cooked scrambled eggs to go with it. So they had something healthy. :)
I've been buying a Sunday paper every week. For the coupons. I have been saving quite a bit on groceries doing this. I need to cut out the coupons and organize them. But buying groceries is so much more rewarding when you save money doing it. Makes my heart happy.
Well, good night friends. I need some sleep. I'm getting up by at least 8am today because I need to paint. I slept until 11:40 this morning and the only reason I woke up was because the house phone rang and it was in my room. I could have thrown that phone to China it made me so mad. And then I was really surprised when I saw what time it was. Anyways... I do need to paint tomorrow and I need sleep before doing that. So good night.
Showing posts with label Lord and Savior. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lord and Savior. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
You Spark My Attention Like a Firefly
Guess what I smelled this evening? *smiles* Honeysuckles. I love honeysuckles. They remind me of my childhood and growing up running through the backyard playing cowboy and indians with my siblings and having to stop for a honeysuckle snack.
It made me think of all the things I could never get tired of... like the smell of wood burning. This is the smell of men to me. I don't know why but when I smell its smokey haze I think of very masculine men and it makes me happy every time.
Salty ocean air. Oh, how I love the ocean. I love standing right on the edge and letting the water lick my toes and the sand draw my feet into its depths. I don't like to drink ocean water but I love the way it taste.
Roses. By far my favorite flower. I love them. They are beautiful. They remind me of myself. Sometimes I feel like I draw people in but I never let them get too close with my thorns to protect.
Rich, moist black dirt. I love walking barefoot in black dirt. It's soft and cold and makes me giggle like a little girl! I'm always careful though. I don't like the thought of stepping on a worm.
The morning dew or the air right after it has been raining. Everything is fresh. It beckons you to come outside and linger awhile in the morning light or the afternoon breeze.
Fireflies. They are some of the only good memories I have of growing up in Tennessee. Remember running in the cold evening grass and catching them in mason jars? Then we moved to GA and you rarely see them here. I miss them. Little fairies twinkling in the moonlight.
Other things that melt my heart and make me smile: The sun warming my skin. A hug from Jared. He makes my day. The moon begging for an audience. An email from Reid. Oh my word. I love that kid. He makes me laugh and I can't wait to hang out with him soon. Water racing over rocks. Spending a day talking about boys with Candace. I had a such a wonderful time. Driving with the windows down and the music up. Hearing my family talking, laughing or even arguing in the background. Comments on my blog - you have no idea how it warms my heart. Biking. I think I could do it all day. Time spent with Bethany. Knowing, believing and evening feeling how much God loves me.
It made me think of all the things I could never get tired of... like the smell of wood burning. This is the smell of men to me. I don't know why but when I smell its smokey haze I think of very masculine men and it makes me happy every time.
Salty ocean air. Oh, how I love the ocean. I love standing right on the edge and letting the water lick my toes and the sand draw my feet into its depths. I don't like to drink ocean water but I love the way it taste.
Roses. By far my favorite flower. I love them. They are beautiful. They remind me of myself. Sometimes I feel like I draw people in but I never let them get too close with my thorns to protect.
Rich, moist black dirt. I love walking barefoot in black dirt. It's soft and cold and makes me giggle like a little girl! I'm always careful though. I don't like the thought of stepping on a worm.
The morning dew or the air right after it has been raining. Everything is fresh. It beckons you to come outside and linger awhile in the morning light or the afternoon breeze.
Fireflies. They are some of the only good memories I have of growing up in Tennessee. Remember running in the cold evening grass and catching them in mason jars? Then we moved to GA and you rarely see them here. I miss them. Little fairies twinkling in the moonlight.
Other things that melt my heart and make me smile: The sun warming my skin. A hug from Jared. He makes my day. The moon begging for an audience. An email from Reid. Oh my word. I love that kid. He makes me laugh and I can't wait to hang out with him soon. Water racing over rocks. Spending a day talking about boys with Candace. I had a such a wonderful time. Driving with the windows down and the music up. Hearing my family talking, laughing or even arguing in the background. Comments on my blog - you have no idea how it warms my heart. Biking. I think I could do it all day. Time spent with Bethany. Knowing, believing and evening feeling how much God loves me.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Master of.... Exhaustion, Masking, and Losing
Yep. That would be me. I am constantly tired thus the Master of Exhaustion. I don't get enough sleep, I run ALL day every day. I feel like my week ran into my weekend which then ran into my week and I didn't even have a break last weekend.
Whether it's family, college, Pampered Chef, trying to have a social life, etc, I can't seem to find enough time to be still. To rest. To pause life and forget about everything. I don't even do that in my sleep. I woke up last night at 4:30am thinking it was time for school. I went back to bed!
I'm tired of playing the balancing game and I'm so ready to drop something, but I can't drop any of it. It's all too important to me and my future. I'm not trying to sound like a whiny baby I just to release and right now my blog is a form of release.
I'm trying to read the Word every day. I'm doing better. My Sunday School teacher challenged me to pray every day for 40 days that God would show me He loves me. I know He does, but right now I feel so weak and used, I just need to hear Him say it or to show me. I've been looking and listening.
I love the moon. With a passion. I think it is the most amazing, awesome, incredible thing ever. It's round with dents and craters; it's not perfect. Sometimes it's orange or red; other nights it's silver and gray and just plain beautiful. I love the moon. This morning I was about to turn out of my driveway and I looked down the opposite road and guess what I saw? All big, bright and orange? The moon. I almost started crying. It was a gift of love from my Father Love.
It's almost that time... and I haven't been this emotional in a lllllooooonnnnnnggggggg time. I cry over everything. It's irritating and I am so ready to have a big cry and be over with it!
You called. You made me cry. I think you are slowly breaking my heart. I hope you don't read my blog. :)
I've realized that I am the Master of Masking... my emotions. I won't even realize I'm feeling a certain way until I'm at the breaking point. It's horrible and I'm not sure how to deal with it. You know, how to stop masking and starting dealing with my emotions. Writing my essay and then dealing with my grandfather's funeral made me come face to face with this realization. The week leading up to Pop-Pop's funeral I felt nothing. Friday, two hours before the visitation, I was about to completely lose it. I was trying not to cry and it wasn't really working.
Then reading my essay I remembered where I've been and what has happened in my past that has made me the Master of Masking. You try being strong for everyone you (family, close friends and also not so close friends) know for 6 plus years and you will become a Master of Masking too. I'm tired of masking and I'm a bit tired of being strong.
I lost everything I've worked on today. College papers, speeches, study guides, Pampered Chef downloads, and so much more. I had a virus on my computer and the Tech guys said since my computer wasn't responding to anything I needed to restore my drive to where it was when I received the computer. Back to nothing. I was crushed. I couldn't believe it. I was already feeling weight of the world and this did not help. And wouldn't you know as soon as it was over my brothers said, I could have saved your stuff to my portable hard drive (or whatever it is).
So I guess I'm not really a Master of Losing. I just feel like one.
I'm going to bed in about 40 minutes. I've re-written my speech for Thursday (that was one of the things I'd lost!). Now I just have about 5 study guides to rewrite. I really want to ask my English Prof for copies of my essay because the only one I have is here on my blog. I want my drafts and everything.
Oh, have I told you lately that I seriously love Andy Merrick's blog? http://blog.andymerrick.com/ He is my ray of sunshine on these very cloudy days. He's so funny and I definitely need the laughs. I'm praising God for that man right now. Pray for Andy. It's his last couple days at work and then he is writing full-time! I'm so excited for him. I can't wait for his first book! It's going to be about relationships. I could use a good book on relationships right now.
Speaking of relationships, you should check out Dave Barnes new EP. I purchased it from iTunes and I love it. My favorite is Until You. I've heard the song before but now it's a love song from my Savior. I'm digging it.
Another related topic. My purity ring. I've started wearing it on my right ring finger. RG told me that until a year or so ago he didn't even know there were two separate rings for the girl (engagement ring and wedding band). I made me think that maybe guys avoid me because I've been wearing it on my left finger and they don't know if I'm in a relationship or not. I don't know if I could handle a relationship right now, but it is one of my deepest desires to be married and I don't want to scare the right guy by having a ring on my left ring finger. Am I crazy?!
I need to brush my teeth (I got a new toothbrush yesterday!) and then go to bed. After I print and practice my speech on my family! Don't let me forget to write the full-sentence outline tomorrow.
Good night friends. Sorry this is so long.
Whether it's family, college, Pampered Chef, trying to have a social life, etc, I can't seem to find enough time to be still. To rest. To pause life and forget about everything. I don't even do that in my sleep. I woke up last night at 4:30am thinking it was time for school. I went back to bed!
I'm tired of playing the balancing game and I'm so ready to drop something, but I can't drop any of it. It's all too important to me and my future. I'm not trying to sound like a whiny baby I just to release and right now my blog is a form of release.
I'm trying to read the Word every day. I'm doing better. My Sunday School teacher challenged me to pray every day for 40 days that God would show me He loves me. I know He does, but right now I feel so weak and used, I just need to hear Him say it or to show me. I've been looking and listening.
I love the moon. With a passion. I think it is the most amazing, awesome, incredible thing ever. It's round with dents and craters; it's not perfect. Sometimes it's orange or red; other nights it's silver and gray and just plain beautiful. I love the moon. This morning I was about to turn out of my driveway and I looked down the opposite road and guess what I saw? All big, bright and orange? The moon. I almost started crying. It was a gift of love from my Father Love.
It's almost that time... and I haven't been this emotional in a lllllooooonnnnnnggggggg time. I cry over everything. It's irritating and I am so ready to have a big cry and be over with it!
You called. You made me cry. I think you are slowly breaking my heart. I hope you don't read my blog. :)
I've realized that I am the Master of Masking... my emotions. I won't even realize I'm feeling a certain way until I'm at the breaking point. It's horrible and I'm not sure how to deal with it. You know, how to stop masking and starting dealing with my emotions. Writing my essay and then dealing with my grandfather's funeral made me come face to face with this realization. The week leading up to Pop-Pop's funeral I felt nothing. Friday, two hours before the visitation, I was about to completely lose it. I was trying not to cry and it wasn't really working.
Then reading my essay I remembered where I've been and what has happened in my past that has made me the Master of Masking. You try being strong for everyone you (family, close friends and also not so close friends) know for 6 plus years and you will become a Master of Masking too. I'm tired of masking and I'm a bit tired of being strong.
I lost everything I've worked on today. College papers, speeches, study guides, Pampered Chef downloads, and so much more. I had a virus on my computer and the Tech guys said since my computer wasn't responding to anything I needed to restore my drive to where it was when I received the computer. Back to nothing. I was crushed. I couldn't believe it. I was already feeling weight of the world and this did not help. And wouldn't you know as soon as it was over my brothers said, I could have saved your stuff to my portable hard drive (or whatever it is).
So I guess I'm not really a Master of Losing. I just feel like one.
I'm going to bed in about 40 minutes. I've re-written my speech for Thursday (that was one of the things I'd lost!). Now I just have about 5 study guides to rewrite. I really want to ask my English Prof for copies of my essay because the only one I have is here on my blog. I want my drafts and everything.
Oh, have I told you lately that I seriously love Andy Merrick's blog? http://blog.andymerrick.com/ He is my ray of sunshine on these very cloudy days. He's so funny and I definitely need the laughs. I'm praising God for that man right now. Pray for Andy. It's his last couple days at work and then he is writing full-time! I'm so excited for him. I can't wait for his first book! It's going to be about relationships. I could use a good book on relationships right now.
Speaking of relationships, you should check out Dave Barnes new EP. I purchased it from iTunes and I love it. My favorite is Until You. I've heard the song before but now it's a love song from my Savior. I'm digging it.
Another related topic. My purity ring. I've started wearing it on my right ring finger. RG told me that until a year or so ago he didn't even know there were two separate rings for the girl (engagement ring and wedding band). I made me think that maybe guys avoid me because I've been wearing it on my left finger and they don't know if I'm in a relationship or not. I don't know if I could handle a relationship right now, but it is one of my deepest desires to be married and I don't want to scare the right guy by having a ring on my left ring finger. Am I crazy?!
I need to brush my teeth (I got a new toothbrush yesterday!) and then go to bed. After I print and practice my speech on my family! Don't let me forget to write the full-sentence outline tomorrow.
Good night friends. Sorry this is so long.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Thankfulness
Thanksgiving is in three days. I still have some grocery shopping to do and tons of cooking! We are having so much great food! But I thought I would list things I'm thankful for since Thanksgiving is in a few days. I should really do this year round...
Anyways, here goes!
1. I am thankful for my Lord and Savior
2. The forgiveness of sins
3. The Holy Word to lead and guide me
4. My family (I love you guys!)
5. My best guy friend (RG) and my best girl friend (Leigh)
6. A home; that has a roof, heat, running water, etc
7. My wonderful church family.
8. Good music that makes me sing and dance!
9. Socks to keep my feet warm
10. Sunny skies and the man in the moon
11. Coffee!
12. Brothers who kill roaches
13. Movies that make you feel something
14. Friends who love having a good time!
15. Getting letters in the mail (the mailbox that is in your driveway! not your computer); it doesn't happen often, but I enjoy it.
16. The men and women who fight for the freedoms I often take for granted - Thank you.
17. Being born and raised in such an amazing country. America, you really are beautiful
18. Facebook to help keep up with friends far away and close by!
19. The time spent with my mom while she was alive
20. Having family close by especially for the holidays.
What are you thankful for? It's so easy to take things for granted! I heard the other day that someone said that going around ungrateful is like going around naked. Now some of us wouldn't mind going around naked, but the point of the story is: we should always be thankful. No matter what is going on around us, good or bad, we can find at least one thing to say thanks for.
Anyways, here goes!
1. I am thankful for my Lord and Savior
2. The forgiveness of sins
3. The Holy Word to lead and guide me
4. My family (I love you guys!)
5. My best guy friend (RG) and my best girl friend (Leigh)
6. A home; that has a roof, heat, running water, etc
7. My wonderful church family.
8. Good music that makes me sing and dance!
9. Socks to keep my feet warm
10. Sunny skies and the man in the moon
11. Coffee!
12. Brothers who kill roaches
13. Movies that make you feel something
14. Friends who love having a good time!
15. Getting letters in the mail (the mailbox that is in your driveway! not your computer); it doesn't happen often, but I enjoy it.
16. The men and women who fight for the freedoms I often take for granted - Thank you.
17. Being born and raised in such an amazing country. America, you really are beautiful
18. Facebook to help keep up with friends far away and close by!
19. The time spent with my mom while she was alive
20. Having family close by especially for the holidays.
What are you thankful for? It's so easy to take things for granted! I heard the other day that someone said that going around ungrateful is like going around naked. Now some of us wouldn't mind going around naked, but the point of the story is: we should always be thankful. No matter what is going on around us, good or bad, we can find at least one thing to say thanks for.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)