This is my 200th blog post (on blogger... there's quite a few more from my younger and more innocence life).
Blogging has been my form of journalling for years. It's been good; a form of release in extremely trying times. I recommend it for everyone.
The Lord has really pressed upon my heart to come up with God honoring boundaries within dating relationships and even guy/girl relationships in general. I've spent the past couple weeks praying about it. I want to honor the Lord so much in everything I say and do and I really believe He is leading me in the following direction (as far as relationships are concerned) and I'm telling you guys so you can help hold me accountable.
Relationships/friendships with Guys -
1. With the exception of one man* there is absolutely no "alone time". This includes riding in a car; being in his (parents) house (or he in my mine); no one-on-one sessions for coffee or lunch, etc, etc. There needs to be a girl/sister/brother with me.
2. No physical touch beyond a hug and even that will be limited to a few certain guys.
3. No flirting. I've been told I need to be coy and, even if I'm interested in a guy, to act like I'm really not. But I hate games. Especially when it comes to peoples hearts (emotions). So no flirting and if need be I will make sure the guy knows exactly where I stand.
Dating Relationships -
1. Limited "alone time". What I mean by that is dates will be in public places: well-lit restaurants, coffee shops, etc. No alone time in his house (or mine). Car rides need to be very limited.
2. No kissing. I don't think holding hands or hugs are inappropriate but I don't want to kiss another guy until my wedding day. In my experience kissing can lead to other things far too quickly and I'd rather not have that temptation. I have to admit I had my inspiration from my Exception Guy.
I can't think of anything else at this moment. But if I do I'll let y'all know. Just keep me in your prayers.
*The one man who is my exception for guy friendships is RG. I know it probably sounds stupid to have an exception, but 1) I have a peace about this and 2) I trust RG with my life and to also be completely God-honoring in everything he does. Soooo.... call me ridiculous if you want, but RG is one of my best friends and I've never known him to do anything that didn't bring glory to the Lord. He is also the reason I've decided to not kiss again until my wedding day. He told me he believes that is the right thing to do and I respect him so much that hearing him say it made me stop and consider that for my own life.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Premarital Sex
I lost my virginity about 4 weeks ago. I am almost 24 years old and up to that point I had never even been kissed.
I know it was wrong. No, it’s not the way my Mom or Dad raised me. I'm asking if you don't have anything nice to say, then please do not say anything at all. Just take what I'm about to write as a warning or to encourage young women not to have premarital sex.
If someone had told me the following about premarital sex I believe I would have stopped and actually thought about what I was about to do to myself.
1) In my experience premarital sex has made me feel not only unworthy of a godly man, but of life. It has increased suicidal thoughts greatly. I've struggled with those kinds of thoughts in the past, but nothing like I do now.
2) Premarital sex has made me feel ugly not only when I look in the mirror but every waking second of my day. I struggle to see beauty in myself.
3) Premarital sex has made me despise everything I am (see both of the above).
4) Premarital sex has completely taken away my desire for a relationship.
5) Premarital sex made me feel cherished, desired, like I was the most beautiful woman in the world. Premarital sex gave me all of those things in the *moment* it was happening. But the moments after the "sexual high" was over have been the exact opposite of all of those things.
Because of #5 I now know why girls who have premarital sex continue having premarital sex. The reason is that it is in those moments of passion that they feel beautiful, cherished, desired and, last but not least, loved and outside of having sex they struggle to see and feel those things in themselves.
People who throw emotions around and act like they have no meaning are fools. Emotions, feelings are powerful and not to be taken lightly.
For girls, after those moments of passion, all of those feelings disappear and (once again) they become ugly (to themselves and, in their mind, to everyone else); they are no longer worthy of being cherished or desired (both of those feelings are beyond important to a young woman’s self-esteem); and there is no love for themselves nor from other people.
Girls, young ladies, women of all ages, I can guarantee one thing: any man who convinces you to have premarital sex him has nothing but selfish lust. I guarantee there is no love involved whatsoever. I don’t care if he tells you a billion times that he loves you. He’s speaking lies straight from the pit of hell.
Oh, and any man who guilt-trips you into having premarital sex with him by saying something along the lines of, “If you really love me you will have sex with me.” He doesn’t truly love you. He also has nothing but selfish lust and is speaking lies straight from hell.
Premarital sex is an ugly black hole that sucks you in further and further until you've completely lost your self-esteem, your confidence, your beauty, and your innocence. You lose everything when you have premarital sex. You lose you. And it's not worth it.
But for those of you who have had premarital there is hope. After telling a good friend of mine that I had premarital sex and after telling her a of bit of how I felt, she looked at me and said, “Lydia, all of that can be restored. If you truly believe in Christ, and I know you do! And you believe that He is a God who restores, and I know you do! Then you believe He can restore you.” I wanted to cry. That was the first message of hope I had heard from anyone.
And, you know what: I do believe God restores all. I know I sinned and I have sought forgiveness at the throne of the Most High. I have been given far too much grace, mercy and love. You can have forgiveness, grace, mercy and love from Jesus Christ too. He stands waiting for you. He freely gives hope and new life.
I've always said I had no regrets in my life and everything that has happened to me I would do again. But this, this I would change. I would save myself for a thousand years and more to be able to save my virginity until my wedding night if I could start over again. Praise the Lord He forgives.
So I am “airing my dirty laundry” because if I can help someone else not go through the same pain then I will shout this from the mountaintops. So if you are (or a friend is) considering having premarital sex or if you have been there already, and you need someone to talk with: I’m here. Feel free to private message me about anything: salvation through Jesus, premarital sex, life, etc, etc. I promise I will not judge. I will not condemn. I have no place or right and all I have to offer is love through Jesus Christ. I also promise that if you decide to message me what you say will not go beyond our messages.
I beg you save yourself for marriage. Stay a virgin until your wedding night and be proud of it. I don't care what your friends are doing or what they say, I promise it's not worth the pain and headache. You are worth more and you deserve more. You are loved, cherished and desired by Jesus Christ. And He believes you are beautiful. Keep your purity. Save your virginity. You have a gift you can't take back once given. And it's worth holding on to for as long as needed.
John 8:1-12
I know it was wrong. No, it’s not the way my Mom or Dad raised me. I'm asking if you don't have anything nice to say, then please do not say anything at all. Just take what I'm about to write as a warning or to encourage young women not to have premarital sex.
If someone had told me the following about premarital sex I believe I would have stopped and actually thought about what I was about to do to myself.
1) In my experience premarital sex has made me feel not only unworthy of a godly man, but of life. It has increased suicidal thoughts greatly. I've struggled with those kinds of thoughts in the past, but nothing like I do now.
2) Premarital sex has made me feel ugly not only when I look in the mirror but every waking second of my day. I struggle to see beauty in myself.
3) Premarital sex has made me despise everything I am (see both of the above).
4) Premarital sex has completely taken away my desire for a relationship.
5) Premarital sex made me feel cherished, desired, like I was the most beautiful woman in the world. Premarital sex gave me all of those things in the *moment* it was happening. But the moments after the "sexual high" was over have been the exact opposite of all of those things.
Because of #5 I now know why girls who have premarital sex continue having premarital sex. The reason is that it is in those moments of passion that they feel beautiful, cherished, desired and, last but not least, loved and outside of having sex they struggle to see and feel those things in themselves.
People who throw emotions around and act like they have no meaning are fools. Emotions, feelings are powerful and not to be taken lightly.
For girls, after those moments of passion, all of those feelings disappear and (once again) they become ugly (to themselves and, in their mind, to everyone else); they are no longer worthy of being cherished or desired (both of those feelings are beyond important to a young woman’s self-esteem); and there is no love for themselves nor from other people.
Girls, young ladies, women of all ages, I can guarantee one thing: any man who convinces you to have premarital sex him has nothing but selfish lust. I guarantee there is no love involved whatsoever. I don’t care if he tells you a billion times that he loves you. He’s speaking lies straight from the pit of hell.
Oh, and any man who guilt-trips you into having premarital sex with him by saying something along the lines of, “If you really love me you will have sex with me.” He doesn’t truly love you. He also has nothing but selfish lust and is speaking lies straight from hell.
Premarital sex is an ugly black hole that sucks you in further and further until you've completely lost your self-esteem, your confidence, your beauty, and your innocence. You lose everything when you have premarital sex. You lose you. And it's not worth it.
But for those of you who have had premarital there is hope. After telling a good friend of mine that I had premarital sex and after telling her a of bit of how I felt, she looked at me and said, “Lydia, all of that can be restored. If you truly believe in Christ, and I know you do! And you believe that He is a God who restores, and I know you do! Then you believe He can restore you.” I wanted to cry. That was the first message of hope I had heard from anyone.
And, you know what: I do believe God restores all. I know I sinned and I have sought forgiveness at the throne of the Most High. I have been given far too much grace, mercy and love. You can have forgiveness, grace, mercy and love from Jesus Christ too. He stands waiting for you. He freely gives hope and new life.
I've always said I had no regrets in my life and everything that has happened to me I would do again. But this, this I would change. I would save myself for a thousand years and more to be able to save my virginity until my wedding night if I could start over again. Praise the Lord He forgives.
So I am “airing my dirty laundry” because if I can help someone else not go through the same pain then I will shout this from the mountaintops. So if you are (or a friend is) considering having premarital sex or if you have been there already, and you need someone to talk with: I’m here. Feel free to private message me about anything: salvation through Jesus, premarital sex, life, etc, etc. I promise I will not judge. I will not condemn. I have no place or right and all I have to offer is love through Jesus Christ. I also promise that if you decide to message me what you say will not go beyond our messages.
I beg you save yourself for marriage. Stay a virgin until your wedding night and be proud of it. I don't care what your friends are doing or what they say, I promise it's not worth the pain and headache. You are worth more and you deserve more. You are loved, cherished and desired by Jesus Christ. And He believes you are beautiful. Keep your purity. Save your virginity. You have a gift you can't take back once given. And it's worth holding on to for as long as needed.
John 8:1-12
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Sometimes I Hate
I feel horrible. I always do when I tell a guy it's not going to work out. I feel like I lead him on (even if I didn't). I feel like I did something terribly wrong (even though I haven't).
I want to cry. and go to bed right now.
Sometimes I hate what comes with life. Including emotions, feelings, possibilities, the hope (of anything really).
I'm praying for you Mr. JGG. I promise with all of my heart, mind, body and soul that I did not intend to hurt you (if I did).
I want to cry. and go to bed right now.
Sometimes I hate what comes with life. Including emotions, feelings, possibilities, the hope (of anything really).
I'm praying for you Mr. JGG. I promise with all of my heart, mind, body and soul that I did not intend to hurt you (if I did).
Music and Butterflies
I will never understand men. I need to get this in my head. In the meantime, I have some serious butterfly issues right now.
I still love France. I always will. And I have fallen in love with Coeur de Pirate. I don't normally like female artist, but she has the coffee house sound that I love and... she sings in French. oh.my.word.
I still love France. I always will. And I have fallen in love with Coeur de Pirate. I don't normally like female artist, but she has the coffee house sound that I love and... she sings in French. oh.my.word.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Love and the Rest of the Story
I promise very soon to do a blog post on some products around the house that I *love* and on some I don't. :)
But I feel like it's time for an update on my love life (or rather my lack of).
As you all know I have another month left on eHarmony. April 12th cannot come soon enough. I was praying today about taking a sabbatical from dating (and even the idea/thought of dating) after my subscription ends. Y'all. I am freakin' tired!
Anyways, boys. Let's start with Mr. Music. Based on previous experience with guys, if a guy doesn't contact you for more than 3 days in a row, well, that just means he is not interested, or he's gotten tired of you, or you wouldn't have sex with him so he's through being sweet and nice and he is both tired of you and no longer interested.
I am assuming that Mr. Music is just not interested. And I've accepted that fact. But I hope we can be friends (hopefully it won't be awkward) because he is a cool guy and he has an amazing heart for the Lord.
I have realized that every person you come in contact with you give a part of yourself to them and you never get that part back. It is sweet for sure, but also annoying.
Well, I am still closing matches like it's going out of style. And I've realized that the more you are on eHarmony the more matches they send you. It's weird.
Mr.-Wound-My-Spirit. He is the next and only other guy I've "talked" to. But he should really be called Mr. Jolly Green Giant. The kid is 6'5" and wears a size 16 in shoes (I know because he told me). I have been praying about how I should tell him that this is not going to work. I mean, if after the first phone convo I feel like less of a woman (and I not only cleaned while on the phone with him, but found my long-lost-and-forgotten first aid kit, straightened my laundry and begged A to bring me my computer) then clearly it won't work. I need a man who empowers me as a woman (to be the best wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter, etc, etc) just as I will empower him as a man (to be the best husband, father, friend, brother, son, etc, etc).
My problem: I have yet to tell Mr. J.G.G that it's not going to work. AND HE CONTACTS ME ALL THE TIME!! What's a girl to do?! I need tell him. I know.
I had to pause my blog writing to check on a deer Joe hit. Joe shot it to end its misery and I wanted to skin and gut it but it was too small to have any good meat. I was a bit disappointed. And I will admit feeling a bit sick to my stomach. I've only even been that close to an animal being shot when Joe killed that rattlesnake I gutted last summer. I am going to get used to it. I still want to go hunting.
Anyways, back to Mr. Jolly Green Giant. I am going to tell him. I will not let it continue. He is sweet, funny, and loves the Lord, but he is not for me. Pray for me. I find I'm lacking courage.
That is the end of my "love life". I could say it sucks but really and truly it doesn't. I am resting in the Lord. I feel content.
But I feel like it's time for an update on my love life (or rather my lack of).
As you all know I have another month left on eHarmony. April 12th cannot come soon enough. I was praying today about taking a sabbatical from dating (and even the idea/thought of dating) after my subscription ends. Y'all. I am freakin' tired!
Anyways, boys. Let's start with Mr. Music. Based on previous experience with guys, if a guy doesn't contact you for more than 3 days in a row, well, that just means he is not interested, or he's gotten tired of you, or you wouldn't have sex with him so he's through being sweet and nice and he is both tired of you and no longer interested.
I am assuming that Mr. Music is just not interested. And I've accepted that fact. But I hope we can be friends (hopefully it won't be awkward) because he is a cool guy and he has an amazing heart for the Lord.
I have realized that every person you come in contact with you give a part of yourself to them and you never get that part back. It is sweet for sure, but also annoying.
Well, I am still closing matches like it's going out of style. And I've realized that the more you are on eHarmony the more matches they send you. It's weird.
Mr.-Wound-My-Spirit. He is the next and only other guy I've "talked" to. But he should really be called Mr. Jolly Green Giant. The kid is 6'5" and wears a size 16 in shoes (I know because he told me). I have been praying about how I should tell him that this is not going to work. I mean, if after the first phone convo I feel like less of a woman (and I not only cleaned while on the phone with him, but found my long-lost-and-forgotten first aid kit, straightened my laundry and begged A to bring me my computer) then clearly it won't work. I need a man who empowers me as a woman (to be the best wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter, etc, etc) just as I will empower him as a man (to be the best husband, father, friend, brother, son, etc, etc).
My problem: I have yet to tell Mr. J.G.G that it's not going to work. AND HE CONTACTS ME ALL THE TIME!! What's a girl to do?! I need tell him. I know.
I had to pause my blog writing to check on a deer Joe hit. Joe shot it to end its misery and I wanted to skin and gut it but it was too small to have any good meat. I was a bit disappointed. And I will admit feeling a bit sick to my stomach. I've only even been that close to an animal being shot when Joe killed that rattlesnake I gutted last summer. I am going to get used to it. I still want to go hunting.
Anyways, back to Mr. Jolly Green Giant. I am going to tell him. I will not let it continue. He is sweet, funny, and loves the Lord, but he is not for me. Pray for me. I find I'm lacking courage.
That is the end of my "love life". I could say it sucks but really and truly it doesn't. I am resting in the Lord. I feel content.
Friday, March 19, 2010
My Baseball Cap
I know a guy who wears a baseball cap all the time. I've never seen him in person or in a picture without one.
I hate hats. I can only wear one kind of hat that looks good on me. You got it: a ball cap. A baseball cap.
And I occasionally like to wear a baseball cap (especially on days like today when my hair is CRAZY curly and completely out of control!).
I bought the above cap so I would not only have one of my own but so that when I wanted to wear one I wouldn't have to worry about where it has been for the past couple weeks (like maybe under my brothers bed or something).
I like it. It's gray (one of my favorite colors). It says "Hawkinsville, GA" across the front (that's my favorite town). And it fits me (told you I look good in a cap!).
I've pretty much worn it since buying it. And I've realized that baseball caps are perfect for hiding. You can pull them far down on your forehead and no one can see your eyes (or crazy hair). You can keep the world out. You can control what people see and how they see it. Ball caps are amazing.
Hiding is much easier than stepping up into the open and letting people see you.
Letting people see you is freeing. It brings relief. I pray I don't start hiding behind my cap (unless my hair is being ridiculous and that, my friend, makes hiding a must! for the sanity of the rest of the world and me!).
My Wounded Spirit
I believe God gave women a mind and a voice. I believe we are to use our mind to think intelligently. I believe we are to use our voices to speak truth. And I don't like feeling like men believe either are wrong.
I have less than one month left on eHarmony. Thank You Jesus. The entire online dating journey has been mentally and emotionally exhausting. I have talked to a quite a few guys. It's weird to "talk" to more than one guy at a time but that is the method with online dating. Anyways, I spoke on the phone with a guy tonight and he made me feel that because I'm a woman I shouldn't have an opinion. He made me feel like I shouldn't, and even couldn't speak my mind.
I am definitely not the smartest cookie on the block. But I am intelligent. I love to think. Granted, I probably think too much for my own good, but still I love to process.
I don't think it was his intention, but he made me feel insignificant because of my gender. And I did not like that. God made woman just as He made man: beautifully and wonderfully made. God gave me a brain and the ability to speak and form opinions. He made me a passionate woman with feelings and emotions. He created me to stand for truth and to fight with all I have for those things I believe are right.
Yes, He formed me to be a helpmate. Yes, He designed the relationship between a man and woman so that the woman should submit to the man. But He did not create man as the "better" sex. Just because you are a man does not make me, as a female, the lesser person.
My Dad reminded me that through this journey of online dating, even if nothing comes out of it (which at this point I really don't see anything coming out of this journey), I will learn something about myself.
And I have. Tonight, I've realized more than ever, that while I desire to be loved as one man's wife, and someday as the mother of his children, I also desire to loved because of the intelligence, God-given passion, and voice (of truth, love, grace, peace, and forgiveness) I bring to the world surrounding me. I desire to touch all who come within inches, feet, and miles of my life with the Father's great and mighty love. And I desire a man to see that I am not limited by my gender, but rather I have strengths where he has weaknesses (as he has strengths where I am weak) and that God created him as the male to be the leader, and I, as the female, to be the one who submits, but God also created us to balance.
Maybe this is all my feminine pride coming out in full force although I don't think it is. My spirit feels wounded. I feel like less of a female. And now all I want to do is cry. But praise God His mercy, grace, and love never leave me feeling rejected, forgotten or inferior.
I have less than one month left on eHarmony. Thank You Jesus. The entire online dating journey has been mentally and emotionally exhausting. I have talked to a quite a few guys. It's weird to "talk" to more than one guy at a time but that is the method with online dating. Anyways, I spoke on the phone with a guy tonight and he made me feel that because I'm a woman I shouldn't have an opinion. He made me feel like I shouldn't, and even couldn't speak my mind.
I am definitely not the smartest cookie on the block. But I am intelligent. I love to think. Granted, I probably think too much for my own good, but still I love to process.
I don't think it was his intention, but he made me feel insignificant because of my gender. And I did not like that. God made woman just as He made man: beautifully and wonderfully made. God gave me a brain and the ability to speak and form opinions. He made me a passionate woman with feelings and emotions. He created me to stand for truth and to fight with all I have for those things I believe are right.
Yes, He formed me to be a helpmate. Yes, He designed the relationship between a man and woman so that the woman should submit to the man. But He did not create man as the "better" sex. Just because you are a man does not make me, as a female, the lesser person.
My Dad reminded me that through this journey of online dating, even if nothing comes out of it (which at this point I really don't see anything coming out of this journey), I will learn something about myself.
And I have. Tonight, I've realized more than ever, that while I desire to be loved as one man's wife, and someday as the mother of his children, I also desire to loved because of the intelligence, God-given passion, and voice (of truth, love, grace, peace, and forgiveness) I bring to the world surrounding me. I desire to touch all who come within inches, feet, and miles of my life with the Father's great and mighty love. And I desire a man to see that I am not limited by my gender, but rather I have strengths where he has weaknesses (as he has strengths where I am weak) and that God created him as the male to be the leader, and I, as the female, to be the one who submits, but God also created us to balance.
Maybe this is all my feminine pride coming out in full force although I don't think it is. My spirit feels wounded. I feel like less of a female. And now all I want to do is cry. But praise God His mercy, grace, and love never leave me feeling rejected, forgotten or inferior.
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