The Beauty of my Lord

I just had one of the most romantic nights of my life. The Lover of my soul took me on a lovely walk. We strolled along the road and He showered me with His love. The breathtaking sunset as the sky turned to dusk and the day came to an end. The beauty of His creation in the form of a red fox not more than twenty feet from me. And the alluring call of honeysuckles to come taste of their sweetness. All in one place for me to experience as my Savior took me by the hand and led me through a marvelous time of fellowship with Him. Oh, how I love my Lord.

My Desire

Okay, so now that all the heavy, glorious stuff is out of the way!

I can tell all I've been listening to is country. My southern accent is so strong it's not even funny (actually it is!). But I don't care. I like having a southern accent. I want to buy GA boots that fit so I can wear them during the winter. I want my own rifle (and/or pistol). I want to learn how to shoot and I want to go hunting. I want to float down the river. I want a hay bale. I want to take walks in the woods. I want to go mud bogging. Basically, I want to be a country girl through and through. I think in some ways I have always wanted it. But the older I get, the more I realize I want to be a true Southern Bell. I want to drive tractors, ride horses and I want to raise my children, in the south, doing all of those things.
I was telling the Lord tonight I may have been born in TN, but I should have been born in GA. I have loved GA since we moved here and believe I love it more now than I did 17 years ago.

I woke up with this verse in my head and it has stuck with me all day. Kind of a mixture of all these (thanks to all of my friends who sent me verses when I didn't have my Bible!):

Psalm 40:6
Sacrifice and offering You did not desire;
My ears You have opened.
Burnt offering and sin offering You did not require.

Psalm 51:16-17
For You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it;
You do not delight in burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,
A broken and a contrite heart -
These, O God, You will not despise.

Proverbs 21:3
To do righteousness and justice
Is more acceptable to the Lord than sacrifice.

Isaiah 58 (just read the entire chapter)

Hosea 6:6
For I desire mercy and not sacrifice,
And the knowledge of God more than burnt offerings.

I have not kept my vow very well. In fact, I have plain sucked at it. And I'm not trying to make excuses for that. I'm just beginning to realize that God would rather have my obedience, trust and praise more than anything. This vow has been a sacrifice of sorts and praise the Lord for second chances (or else I'd be done for!). I pray He continues to work in my heart as He has been and even more so because I am nothing without Him. He is my desire.

Bigger than Texas

I have so much to write about before going to bed.

If you've been reading my blog for any period of time, you know that I have problems bigger than Texas. And here comes more.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I was on the verge of hating/highly disliking Ben.

Growing up the one reason I hated Bethany making new friends was because I feared they would take her from me.

See, whether real or imagined, whatever attention I lacked from Mom, I got from Bethany. She has always believed in me. Always believed that I was worth looking after. She made sure that I knew I was loved and wanted. That I was smart and could do anything I decided to do. And I know some of you will say that Mom felt that way too, but the truth of the matter is, I never saw or heard it from Mom. I have feared losing Bethany and had an extreme dislike for many girls for that reason.

Friday Bethany put me on hold to talk to Ben twice. I don't think she has ever done that... not for Meg, or Dad, or anyone I can remember. I was mad. I yelled at Ben while on hold and told him he sucked worse than anything.

When I took the kids to Cold Stone (it was their first time) I sent Bethany a picture text and all she said was, "I'm so happy." That irritated me too. I wanted to make her jealous she was only with Ben and not with us.

And then I cried myself to sleep because I realized that Ben is taking my place. Of course, he isn't taking it in some ways, but in very many ways he is.

And I have been praying against highly disliking him ever since I realized all of this. I know that he is going to be around for forever. If Bethany doesn't know that, now she does. He is her one. I've said that from the beginning. Ask Anna, she'll tell you it's true.

My life is at a another turn in the bend. My life is changing once again. It's another big, huge change and I hate change.

But praise the Lord He is faithful. It's amazing to actually feel your spirit warring against your flesh. I really don't like Ben right now. But I don't want to not like him. Does that make sense? Mostly because I know it's wrong, and I know it will hurt Bethany if I'm nasty when he's down next weekend. And amazingly enough, I don't want to be nasty to him. That is a weird feeling.... mostly just because I'm usually more stubborn than an ox and I fight to the point of being spiritually knocked out. Can you tell God is taking over my mind, heart and spirit?

I've surrendered. I'm not going to mentally or orally fight Ben for Bethany like I have with Bethany and others.

In the past God has used young men to break me and to get my attention. A couple months ago I prayed that if the Lord was going to break me that He wouldn't use a guy to do it. My heart always ends up a bit bruised and I didn't want to deal with that.
The funny thing is, He used a guy, but not in the way I prayed against. I have been broken.

This vow has opened me up to Father Love in ways I never expected. I have finally realized that Bethany cannot be my source of self-worth. That comes from Christ Jesus alone. In Him I am more confident in my own skin than I have been in years. In fact, in some ways it feels like I've gone back to being 16. The only differences being my age and the fact that I love my Savior more than I love attention from guys (which is all I thought about at 16).

If you've made it this far in the post, you should at least comment and say you did. ;)

I've written all this to say that even though I have moments where I loath all that I am and even though there are times I accept without any doubt the lies satan feeds my mind, Father Love is taking over. I am changing to be a better, stronger, lovelier version of myself and it's all because the love of Jesus is flowing strong, wild and free within me. How could I not share and give Him the honor and glory He deserves for this marvelous work?!

how many more ways can i say "blessings"

1. air conditioning. ours went out tonight. it's amazing stuff.

2. candles. do you know how soothing they are?

3. i love memories. i have amazing friends... but i miss your friendship sir. i admit, i really miss being beyond sarcastic with you.

4. God's provision. i have a job. i start next weekend.

5. peace from Father Love. what would i do without it?

merci beaucoup mon Père cher.

Repent is My Every Other Word

I yelled at God today. More like raised my voice. Either way there was loud noises coming from my vocal chords. I repented. But I know what B is going to call and tell me. And maybe it's just me feeling competitive, or envious, or left behind, or all of the above. But right now left behind sounds like a very good way to put it.

Bethany and Caleb have gone to college before me. They've both gotten significant others before me. They have both known exactly what they wanted to do with their lives (goodness, I still don't know that!). They've both left the house before me. They have done everything before me. And yeah, I feel really left out and left behind.

I repented, of course, because I am in the middle of this vow. And maybe I should just cut out the country music because it makes me want a country boy even more than normal. Someone once told me that I would probably marry a farmer. I laughed at the time, but I wouldn't mind now.

Anyways, I really didn't care that Caleb had a girlfriend, I mean it was a bit weird because I never thought he would get a girl before Bethany or I had a boy, but that's what happened and we all love Hannah so who cares. And Amy? I thought the whole thing was stupid. But Bethany? I am happy for her. I really am, but seriously, I have a hard time listening to all of her mushy talk about Benny. But if she stopped I'd be mad (so Bethany, if you read this, don't stop!). I never thought it would be this hard. I don't feel jealous so I guess it's not envy. I just don't understand why they can have it and I can't. Of course, as RG likes to remind me, there aren't any options around here (except him and the more I'm around him, the more I am so glad he was never interested in me and the more I'm beyond happy I got over him).

Pray for me. I am having a hard time. And I'm not even sure why (besides the fact that I don't have a boy toy and I REALLY want one! :)) Lord, I repent.

On the plus side I am feeling more confident about myself than I have felt in a long time. Praise the Lord. I admit, I need to lose a few more pounds, but I'm not obsessing about it. I'm getting to the point of loving my body... but I really like my body right now and I'm not trying to hide my curves. ;)

I'm about to take Anna to work. I start classes next week and also my new job! I'm really excited about all of it. I can't wait for classes to start. I LOVE college! But not for the same reasons as the song. :)

Terrible, Horrible, and Just Plain Bad

Oh my goodness. I have just done the worst thing I've done in.... two weeks?! haha! My current guy problem.... I just told him that I am in love with a married man. I'm not really. I just LOVE Jason Aldean! I think he is my favorite country artist right now. I am going to buy that boys cd. But my guy problem (we'll call him James), James, told me that he had something personal to tell me. I said, Okay, tell me now. This was over fb chat. He said no, he had to tell me in person. I knew what he was going to say. He likes me. He has from the moment he saw me. How do I know? Because he has been like my little best friend ever since and one of his homeboys told me James liked me a couple weeks ago.

So then I told James tonight that I was in love with a married man. Actually it's my fb status right now. And maybe he'll take a hint that I'm not interested. Is that horrible?

I keep laughing.... ;)

I went to the Bible study at RG's tonight for the first time in two weeks. It was good. I've missed the study. I've missed RG, and everyone. Poor kid, RG looked like he was about to fall over. He needs more sleep.

I keep digging this hole with James. I need to tell him it's not true... but I really don't want too. He just told me he's glad I found someone. I am such a terrible person.

Okay, so my blessings for the day:

1. Time by myself. It's so refreshing.
2. Having been and continuing to be made fearfully and wonderfully in Father Love's eyes.
3. Amazing friends to hang out with and sing songs of praise to our Savior.
4. Forgiveness, forgiveness, and more forgiveness.
5. With a sense of humor (however sick it may be! lol)

Pot of Gold at the End

I took this picture Saturday while Joe and I were driving to Macon. Isn't it beautiful?! I love precious reminders of God's amazing love!
I couldn't get the entire thing, but it was a whole rainbow! It went into the clouds and came out on the other end. Absolutely breathtaking!